Pretension Is Reaching Critical Levels: Lorde, “Team”, Review

3 Feb

Oh Lorde, what have I gotten myself in to.

You know, there is actually a reason I stick to reviewing crappy B-movies that nobody else has ever heard about! Namely, it means that nobody will actually care when I call it a fat sack of crap. But I suppose it’s time for me to step in to the real world of reviewing, that’s right: I’m going to review something relevant.

(Your mileage may vary on that last part.)

You might remember Lorde, the New Zealand artist who released Royals earlier this year. But, despite the fact that Royals shares many of the same flaws as Team, I just couldn’t find it in myself to review it… namely because that song only had about 10 fucking lyrics.

Team is, as I speak, the eight hottest song in America (but, like, who cares what America thinks?), and I just have to review this now before it becomes hastily irrelevant as I desperately hope it will! So come on! Let’s dig in! Ahe-

Wait ’til you’re announced

… Well, fuck you too!

We’ve not yet lost all our graces

The hounds will stay in chains

Holy hell, “hounds”? Are you Lorde, or Mr. Burns?

Look upon your greatness

That you’ll send the call out

Send the call out

Send the call out

Send the call out

Send the call out

Send the call out

Hmm, lemme guess the next line! Is it… “send the call out”?

Send the call out

Oh, I’m a fucking genius.

Send the call out

Yeah, keep going, we still haven’t gotten a hang of this yet.

Send the call out

Gah! What’s with the demon voice all of a sudden?

Send the call out

Is Lorde possessing our souls? Is that what’s going on?

Send the call out

Oh god, don’t hurt me, just take my wallet!

Send the call out

Send the call out

Send the call out

Send the call out

Call all the ladies out

Oh, thank god, another lyric. I forgot words other than “send the call out” existed!

They’re in their finery

Yeah, turns out “finery” just means “nipples tassels and extensive vajazzling”.

A hundred jewels on throats

… How big are their throats?

A hundred jewels between teeth

And how many fucking teeth do they have?! Are these ladies actually sharks in disguise?!

Now bring my boys in

… ‘Boys’? So, this is about a bunch of jobless schmoes interrupting a high class society get-together? Good god, add in outrageous amounts of hair and this is just the I’ve Got Life song from Hair.

Their skin in craters like the moon

The moon we love like a brother, while he glows through the room

… I don’t think you know how moons work.

Dancin’ around the lies we tell

Dancin’ around big eyes as well

Oooh, singing these lines from the point of view as a rich snob at this aforementioned get-together who talks about dancing around “the lies”, as in the life she lives and around “big eyes”, to specify either the paparazzi who ogles them or the envy of those less fortunate?

You know, I could probably stomach this crap easier if it didn’t come from somebody WHO HAS RECENTLY JUST BECOME A MASSIVE POP CELEBRITY. Jesus, lady, ever heard of stones and glass houses? Or maybe some black kitchenware and the racism thereabout?

Even the comatose they don’t dance and tell

Yeah, people in comas tend not to break it down on the dance floor.

“Nah nah nah nah, nah nah, can’t touch this…”

We live in cities you’ll never see on screen

You gotta love how she keeps mentioning groups of people just like her, as if she’s trying to somehow convince you that she doesn’t spend her nights all alone, eatin’ Hot Pockets and watching Grey’s Anatomy.

[Editor’s Note: Wait… I thought you were just talking about how she’s a super star celebrity now. How can she be both that, AND spend all her nights alone-]

I CAN HOLD TWO OPINIONS AT ONCE WHO SAYS I CAN’T.

Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things

I’m pretty sure if we let Lorde run things, not only would the trains never run on time, but they’d start only going to cities you’ll never see on screen.

Living in ruins of the palace within my dreams

So… the inside of your mind is both a ruined, desolate environment, but you feel so obligated to spend time in this empty wasteland that you feel as if you’re living there?

Fuck, Lorde.

And you know, we’re on each other’s team

Today’s really a red letter day for video clips, huh.

I’m kind of over getting told to throw my hands up in the air

Hmm… a legitimate reference to a pre-existing social convention? You know, I think you’re starting to win me over-

So there.

… You’re dead to me.

So all the cups got broke shards beneath our feet but it wasn’t my fault

Okay, give me five hours and a team of cunning linguists, and I’m pretty sure I can figure out what the hell this means.

And everyone’s competing for a love they won’t receive

… Says the girl who actually DID receive this fucking “love”, you pretentious hypocrite.

‘Cause what this palace wants is release

Aaaaaand you lost me again.

We live in cities you’ll never see on screen

Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things

Living in ruins of the palace within my dreams

And you know, we’re on each other’s team

Yes yes, blah blah blah, not being rich and famous is good says the rich and famous person, next scene!

… SHE’S STARING IN TO MY SOUL.

I’m kind of over getting told to throw my hands up in the air

You already said that! Are we in re-run season already?

So there.

I SAID STOP THAT.

I’m kinda older than I was when I revelled without a care

You know, it’s funny. When I first heard this, I could have sworn she said “rebelled”… which, combined with that Obi Wan quote up there, makes me think this whole song is actually a thinly veiled Star Wars tribute.

So there.

GODDAMMIT.

We live with Wookies, with no awards on screen

Not very pretty, but they sure know how to clean fleas

Living in ruins of the palace on Tatooine

And you know, we’ve got Jedis on our team

Hmm, what’s that? That’s not the actual lyrics? Sorry, I just kinda zoned out.

God, what I wouldn’t do for some scorching duel suns right about now.

So, that was Team! How was it?

Weeeeeell… pretentious, monotone, smug, self satisfied, and all around filled with the utter feeling of “I am so much better than everyone else listening to this or who has ever made any money ever even though I’ve recently made more money than all of them” until you want to dig out the part of your brain that registers sound with a ballpoint pen.

Annnnnnnd okay, fine, I still like it.

What? The term “guilty pleasure” exists for a reason, don’t you know! Really, really guilty pleasure, but pleasure nonetheless!

So there.

OH WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY.

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One Response to “Pretension Is Reaching Critical Levels: Lorde, “Team”, Review”

  1. Tim Hurley February 6, 2014 at 7:37 pm #

    Hey, hey, now come on, this is pop music. You can look for deeper meaning, and sure, plenty of pretty people saying pretty things that aren’t always facts… but they are fashionable things to say right now. They have to make the ‘little people’ seem important, because we all know the little people always have their voices heard (I’m muffling my laughter).

    Pop Music in general is like a really hot guy / girl— It’s constantly telling you the things you want to hear while simultaneously taking the money out of your pocket and moving on to the next sucker.

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