The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed

7 Feb

Ladies and gentlemen and degenerate motherfuckers, it’s time to make peace with your gods, because TODAY IS OUR TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY! 

(Queen makes everything better.)

Two years ago today, a wide eyed youth who never even heard of 1313 decided to start a website, and since that fateful day, we’ve all been paying for that mistake! Let’s see… we’ve been sworn at, insulted, compared to genocide, actually made money thanks to the fortuitous use of sex toys, became a video star and subsequently burnt out in a flurry of cocaine and discount hookers, revelled in my own incompetence, cleared up some of the supporting cast with the help of the fourth wall, and fought an alien shapeshifter in a fight to the death!

[Editor’s Note: … How much of that is true?]

A depressing amount.

To celebrate this momentous (?) occasion, we’ve made some changes! First off, the tagline has been changed for the first time since back when I first decided on We Try To Be Interesting. And now, feel free to revel in the far more authoritative sounding This Is Where Things Get Interesting! 

And, speaking of changes that nobody cares about, I’ve finally updated the “About” page for the first time since… exactly a year ago today, actually.

Hrm.

Anyway, it’s time to get started on the pièce de résistance! Over the years, people keep asking which of the many, many terrible movies I’ve reviewed are the worst! And today, we’re going to be settling that, once and for all! (At least until I review more movies…)

[Editor’s Note: Wait, has anyone actually asked you that?]

ANYWAY ON WITH THE LIST.

Ahem!

Number 10: Madness

Hey, do you remember this movie? No? Congratulations! Nobody else fucking does either!

“You are TERRIBLE at high fives.”

See, I don’t just measure “bad” as “baby raping”, I measure it as “an absence of good”, and it is very rare that you’ll find a movie so lacking in the quality of “good” as Madness! (Well. Except for… every other movie on this list, I guess.)

But I suppose that’s just the kind of thing you’ll get when you pit a gang of indecipherable teenagers against a coven of unintelligible Deliverance wannabes. That, and an award for the quickest abortion in film history. I swear, you couldn’t make a sandwich in the time it takes this movie to kill a baby. You also couldn’t make a baby in the time it takes this movie to make a sandwich, but that’s beside the point.

Dammit, now I want a sandwich.

 

Number Nine: Parasitic

Hey, a review from back when it wouldn’t take me three fucking weeks to finish a two hour movie!

I could show you a movie poster, but really, this is much nicer to look at. Mmm…

Now, to be fair to this movie, the special effects are actually quite nice! The Cockmonster, the spewing of black goo from various orifices, and that Gigerian nightmare from the end, all speaks of a film crew that legitimately knows what they’re doing!

And then the rest of the movie happens: A collection of card board cut-outs composed entirely of implants and STIs fighting sushi monsters in a strip club, and…

YES I’M STILL TRAUMATIZED FROM THE TWO CLOWNS FUCKING WHAT OF IT.

Number Eight: Lumosity

[Editor’s Note: Wait, what?! That isn’t a movie!]

Yes, which is why I titled this “10 worst things I’ve ever reviewed”.

[Editor’s Note: Jesus, you really hate Lumosity that much?]

I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS.

[Editor’s Note: … Duly noted.]

I already HAVE my fucking brain, I don’t need your help to get it!

Number Seven: Mother’s Day

I’ve said plenty about Mother’s Day, so I don’t think I need to say anything else!

Oh, except that Darren Lynn Bousman has somehow made a movie about a bunch of redneck rapists kidnapping, murdering, torturing and raping somehow more depressing than it already sounds and everybody involved should cry salty tears and use the nearest sharp object or microwave to take themselves out of the gene pool as soon as possible with the possible exception of Rebecca De Mornay who is very nice and should send me her phone number.

Number Six: The Amityville Haunting

… I can’t actually remember too much about this movie. Was there an Amityville? Was there haunting? I have so many questions!

Hmm… I seem to remember there being some people stripping? Oh yeah, it opened with a sex scene! And then… found footage happened? Some kind of weird photoshop effects? Writing so bad it made me poop blood? Or… blood so bad it made me poop writing, I guess.

GOD THIS MOVIE WAS BORING.

Number 5: ABCs Of Death

Jesus CHRIST, how bad must this list be if ABCs Of Fucking Death is only number FIVE?! 

Oh, you don’t even want to know.

But it’s to be expected, really, a single horror movie can be bad enough to cause tears of blood and the belated 11th plague of Egypt, so stapling 26 all together is like a sign of the impending apocalypse, or maybe a walking cloud of STIs.

I still can’t decide what the worst one is, the orgasm one, the fart fetish, the furry fiasco, the hooker stomping kittens, that whole cocksword fight thing, or, of course the ultimate crime, reminding me of V/H/S 2! 

*buh dum tsh*

Number Four: Shark Swarm

Oh my GOD, this movie! It’s dull and boring and tedious and monotonous, with terrible effects and writing and acting and oh my god, if I meet anyone involved in this movie, I am going to take their own cocks and-

– till he has to shit sideways!

Wow, I’m so glad I got that off my chest!

 

Number Three: 1313 UFO Invasion

I made a conscious decision not to include both 1313 films when I was making this list, even though I easily could have. But that just seemed unfair to the rest of the terrible movies, and really, if I can’t let a terrible movie be the best terrible movie it can be, what kind of man would I be!

UFO Invasion managed to win out with the power of deflowering me, so to speak, and the fact that it seemed to spend way more time focusing on everybody’s nipples than Frankenqueen did, and it never occured to me that this was a comparison I’d have to make in my life. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS LED ME TO.

Anyway, hot gay sex.

Case in point.

Number Two: Demon Seduction

Ah, the male equivalent of 1313: A movie made entirely out of half naked women and fetishes, but unlike our number three slot, this was apparently made by a fucking nightmare fetishist. 

(Instead of someone who just gets off on slow pans of dicks.)

Knife play, cannibalism, choking, reverse abortions, and many other fetishes that just sound like I’m making them up as I go along but I swear I’m not make their big screen début, along with a cabal of the worst celebrity impersonators since Andrew Lloyd Webber as Christina Hendricks.

No masturbating to that mental image!

So, if the first movie to make me cry from sheer incompetence has only managed a number two slot, what could number one be? What is it? What’s worse than all of the others combined!

Well…

NUMBER ONE… Brighter Future!

And no, I’m not even kidding.

This was the first feature length story I’ve ever written and I’m fairly certain it qualifies as a fucking war crime. I mean, hey, the plot line would be terrible unto itself, but couple that with a complete disregarding of how amnesia works, more lampshades than an Ikea showroom, non-existent characterization, terrible comedy, an insistence to strong arm it in to places it does belong and ETHAN FUCKING SAFE- 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGH!

Anyway! Thank you for sticking with me for two whole years, you degenerate motherfuckers, and I love each and every one of you!

Let’s keep things interesting!

 

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3 Responses to “The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed”

  1. Tim Hurley February 9, 2014 at 12:44 pm #

    Congratulations on two years! And really, you’ve earned it, from the amount of crap you’ve had to sift / sit through.overall, not just from the list. While I haven’t -seen- a 1313 movie (nor do I ever plan to), ABCs of Death, Shark Swarm (…gulp), etc., I would definitely prefer your write-ups on them over watching them. In that way, those movies might finally achieve some sort of entertainment value.

    I digress. Keep up the good fight. For one person, at least, you’ve become a constant go-to source for wit and dick jokes. And good dick jokes are always in demand.

    • averystrangeplace February 9, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

      Why, thank you, kind sir! I swear, one of these days, I’m just going to steal YOUR job. At least you find GOOD indie games! Me? The closest thing I ever get to a “good” horror movie is when I drink enough absinthe that I miss slitting my wrists and instead just open a bag of Doritos.

      That got depressing fast.

    • Tim Hurley February 9, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

      I’ve been saying it for years. People talk about help hotlines, and medication, but really, so many suicides could be avoided merely by having a bag of Doritos placed nearby.

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