None Of These Are A Good Day To Die: Life Of Deaths, Part Six

9 Feb

Seriously, how many more episodes of Life Of Deaths are there? At this point, I feel like half my job is just recapping how Peter Parker has failed yet again and sighing dejectedly every time the fabric of reality somehow manages to warp itself to make sure the special effects budget doesn’t have to actually work for a living AND YES I’M FEELING ORNERY TODAY.

Previously, On Life Of DeathsPeter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, has managed to save his ex-girlfriend from the Legion Of Playas, who specialize in failing to understand how drugs work and leaving evidence sprinkled behind them like a fairy-tale princess, and were defeated with his incredible power to get beaten in to a bloody pulp. Breaking The Energy Conservation Law Through The Sheer Power Of Complaining: one! Sheer Incompetence Brought On From A Bag Of Flour: ZERO!

Ahem!

We open with… oh, you all know what we open with: a recap! I swear to god, you could practically sing along by this point. Anyway, we get the tail end of Parker explaining his immortality to Gwen Stacy. Naturally, her first response to this… is to cuddle him and tearfully (well, as close as this woman can get to expressing tears) cry that she never knew he felt that way.

Yeah, of course, when a living god saves you from drug dealers, your first response is to cry that he was feeling kind of blue.

(And before people come out of the woodwork to bring up the seriousness of suicide, of course I realize that it’s far more than that. Suicide is a terrible, terrible thing, and if you’re even considering it, please seek help. However, nobody, from the narrator, to the other characters, to fucking God imply that his suicide was caused by anything more than an easy break-up combined with a bully! Which is a mild inconvenience, I know, but… come on.)

… It never occurred to me what a depressing concept for a series this is.

As they hug, Parker gives a look of joy that… makes me think he’s going to have to get a clean pair of pants after this. But after they’re done, her phone chirps, and it turns out a video of Parker’s ass kicking has been uploaded online and has a million views. Pssh, says the video with only 200.

“Everyone will think I’m a freak!”

Um. No, they’re going to think this is a crappy marketing scheme, or a trailer for a new webseries. You… you do realize people can put things on the internet if they’re not true, right? People don’t look at the newest Tribe Twelve video and worry that they’re going to have to Slender-proof their house!

Parker, expectedly, starts putting on a little hissy fit and leaves… wait, this is YOUR house. What, are you going to leave your ex-girlfriend there all alone? I can’t see THAT ever going badly!

We cut to some guy in a suit, working on a computer, when someone else in a suit bursts in and starts blabbering about the viral video. Suit Guy 1 rightly says that this has to be faked, and that Suit Guy 2 should definitely leave because he… has to work on a letter to the Secretary of Defence?

Wait… this guy is the president?

YOU LIVE IN FUCKING CANADA!

Wow, NOBODY wants to spend time with you, eh, Harper?

So, we’re treated to a montage of people all around the worl- er, I mean, school, watching the video and exclaiming over texts. So… are you seriously telling me that after Carnage and Venom committed kidnapping, attempted murder, assault, possession of serious narcotics, and even left the gun already used to murder somebody there… they video taped it? And uploaded it TO FUCKING YOUTUBE?!

I’m… I’m just flabbergasted! I thought God resurrecting a worthless whiner just so he can flip the bird to atheism was the dumbest thing thus far, but no no no, our Legion of Playas could not have made a worse decision if they just CURBSTOMPED A KITTEN AND UPLOADED IT TO PORNHUB.

We cut back to the president, making arrangements to head to a warehouse with two agents, and we cut over to Parker, doing… well. I thought calling it a “hissy fit” before was kinda cruel, but apparently I didn’t know just how pathetic this could get! Yes, yes, weep and smack the ground, you fucking pansy, I’m sure that’s doing loads to make you a likeable protagonist.

Gwen Stacy goes to join him as he sobs and clutches at her leg, and dear god, what’s next? Is he going to start wetting his pants and demanding a nap? Grow a fucking spine or give your immortality to someone who’ll do something useful with it!

Anyway, we cut to the president having a secret meeting in what appears to be my basement, so much so that they even have my old suitcase! Hey, I was wondering where I left that thing! He hands a folder to our two mysterious backlit men, before wandering… away from the door, which is over by the two men. What, is he going to go cuddle the boiler for a few hours?

*bow chicka bow wow*

And with that bit of ominous done for, we close this episode the way every episode should close: Parker quietly weeping as he cuddles is ex-girlfriend’s kneecaps, crushed with the thought that the dumbest drug dealers ever have just fucked themselves.

Jesus christ, man.

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3 Responses to “None Of These Are A Good Day To Die: Life Of Deaths, Part Six”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. When There’s No More Room To Whine, The Dead Will Walk The Earth: Life Of Deaths, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 10, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Due to the sheer power of Life Of Deaths’ marketing genius (hah hah hah hah), the president […]

  2. Dying Is Easy, Comedy’s Hard: Life Of Deaths, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 17, 2014

    […] Previously, on Life Of Deaths: The might of the U.S government (and by that, I mean two character actors) have fallen against Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, and his girlfriend, Gwen Stacy of Borg. Wait, “girlfriend”? Yes, it turns out all it takes to make up for being a total heartless bitch is also being completely fucking vacuous! […]

  3. Death Is Only The Beginning: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Nine | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 2, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny Man, is shacking up with Gwen Stacy of Borg, to whom emotions […]

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