When There’s No More Room To Whine, The Dead Will Walk The Earth: Life Of Deaths, Part Seven

10 Feb

“But Erik,” you might say, “Why are you reviewing Life Of Deaths again so soon, and why is there so much blood on your clothes?” Well, if you agree not to call the cops, I’ll tell you. See, somebody has once again insulted me for reviewing it in the first place, and that naturally means that I have to review it again, in accordance to the “Fuck You In The Face With A Flaming Sloth” laws of 1892!

Previously, on Life Of DeathsDue to the sheer power of Life Of Deaths’ marketing genius (hah hah hah hah), the president now knows about Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, and his great secret. The immortality, I mean, not the whining. Everybody already knows that, especially because he decided to deal with this problem by weeping like a ninny.


After the standard issue recap, most of which is the montage from last time, we open with our two special agents from last time, sitting on lawn chairs and discussing their jobs. RIVETING.

(Okay, I jest. These guys have so much chemistry in these lines alone that I’m already having way more fun than watching Parker getting beaten to death over and over again, and that’s saying something.)

A car with Parker’s mom drives up behind, and the two start tripping over each other, trying to establish their cover identities. Annnnnd wow, these guys are great! Couldn’t we just make a series about these two instead? They’re funny and charismatic and have great screen presence, and I don’t know how I could possibly have bad mouthed this series so much when-

Parker’s mom walks in, from whatever has kept her occupied for these last several months, and Parker is currently wearing a big sweater and mirrored shades to hide from the stake out. Wait, those two guys sitting on his front lawn qualifies as a “stake out”? Haven’t these fuckers ever heard of, oh, I don’t know, fucking hiding?!

Guess we can add “basic police procedure” to the list of things the creators have no damn idea about.

The mother turns the radio to the “plot sensitive” channel, (“Plot Point FM, home of deus ex machinas everywhere!”) which starts immediately going on about the video of Parker getting shot. And, of course, it’s about his “resurrection”, and definitely not about the documented attempted homicide. Seriously, nobody is curious about that? If they’re accepting that this isn’t crummy viral maraketing, why the hell is nobody wondering about the Legion of Playas still at large? Or does the rest of the world find them as boring as I do?

When his mother heads back to the living room, it’s a completely different time outside because [INSERT ED WOOD CLIP HERE], and she starts confronting him about the drug bottles she’s found in his room. Seems she’s calling his father to come deal with it, and he runs up to his room where it is once again a different time of day, because TIME IS MEANINGLESS GODDAMMIT.

Does that mean that the video is already over?

Parker decides to fling himself out the window to escape, because his house is currently under government surveillance and it’s important to keep a low profile and everything, and he does so. You… you DO realize that that wouldn’t kill you straight away, right? Three stories, on to grass and mud, isn’t a one hit K.O. So, you’re looking at a good minute or so of punctured lungs, broken limbs, and scraped knees before God finally hits your reset button. Have fun with that!

But of course, this results in not a single drop of blood touching his clothing, because that would mean that Parker actually have a cardiovascular system, and then he’s vulnerable to vampires, don’cha know! Anyway, he goes to talk to Gwen Stacy, the blandest woman alive, and asks for her help. There’s some of what I think is supposed to be sexual tension, but as the only emotion Parker can express is weeping and chainsaw, it falls flat. Gwen Stacy, meanwhile, finds emotions utterly useless since she’s been assimilated by the fucking Borg.

We cut to the Secret Agent Odd Couple, talking themselves in to Parker’s house. Yeah, lying about your identity to get access to someone’s house without a warrant, judge is going to love this. They realize he’s jumped out the window, and they ask their magic talking ear pieces, called Delta, for information of Parker. Ignoring how the hell they would information on him, we could skip to how cliche a name like “Delta” is. They could have named it “Maiden“, after the famous play and composition Death And The Maiden, or “Orpheus“, if you wanted to give it a more romantic vibe, but- what’s that? Nobody cares? Okay, moving on!

Meanwhile, Stacy of Nine has taken Parker- er, I mean he’s been leading her this whole time, because obviously he’d know the location of her secret spot better than she would, and the two trade some awkward conversation, followed by more awkward conversation, then some “romantic” dialogue. You know, I used to think this writer was just incompetent, but after seeing how brilliantly he handled the secret agent scenes, it’s pretty obvious that he’s just quietly rebelling against having to write this drivel.

“Okay, now you should write me making out with her now.”

“Um, fine…”

“Now you should write me banging her!”

“… I guess…”

“Now I grow wings and fly over to Carnage and beat him to death with my cock! And it’s three times as big as my forearms and five times as flexible!”

“… Do you really think that’s a good idea-”

“Hey! No talking back, art monkey, or I’ll release the hounds!”

“Hounds? God, how cliché.”

“No talking back, or I’ll release my rape gorilla!”

“… I’ll be good.”

… Remind me to never Google that again.

So, that was Episode Eight! How was it?

Well, I think we’ve really nailed out a good system here: Ruthless special agents hunting a hapless immortal, trapped to a husk of a life by an unfeeling god?


Dull love story played out the Amazing Whiny-Man and Stacy of Borg?

Now I’m the one trying to get in the damn suicide booth.


2 Responses to “When There’s No More Room To Whine, The Dead Will Walk The Earth: Life Of Deaths, Part Seven”


  1. Dying Is Easy, Comedy’s Hard: Life Of Deaths, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 17, 2014

    […] Previously, on Life Of Deaths: The might of the U.S government (and by that, I mean two character actors) have fallen against Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, and his girlfriend, Gwen Stacy of Borg. Wait, “girlfriend”? Yes, it turns out all it takes to make up for being a total heartless bitch is also being completely fucking vacuous! […]

  2. Death Is Only The Beginning: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Nine | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 2, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny Man, is shacking up with Gwen Stacy of Borg, to whom emotions haven’t run […]

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