The Fresh Hero Of Albion

12 Feb

Now, this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I’d like to take a minute while these bandits are fleein’

And tell you how I became the hero of a place called Albion!


In tiny Oakvale, born and raised,

Buyin’ presents is how I spent most of my days!

Chillin’ with boxes and saving Rosie’s life,

While some lecherous ass is cheating on his wife.

When a couple of bandits, who were up to no good,

Started making trouble in my neighbourhood.

I got in one little fight, everyone got killed,

So Maze picked me up and dragged me to the Heroes Guild!


I got through my montage schooling, day after day,

And they packed me some health potions and sent me on my way!

I bitch slapped Whisper, then I baked me a pie,

Then I spent my XP, now it’s time for goodbyes!


First quest, yo, this is bad!

Drinking mana potions out of a champagne glass!

Is this what the people of Bowerstone like?

Hmm, this might be alright!


But wait, I hear they’re prissy, bourgeois and all that!

And they’ll confiscate my weapons so I won’t stab those brats!

I don’t think so, they’ll see when I get there,

That I can kill annoying children anywhere.


Grabbed a Cullis Gate and when I came out,

There was a dude who looked like Satan with a hood and no mouth!

I ain’t trying to pick a fight,

I’m just here for the Arena,

I sprang with the quickness of nymphs, never see ya!


I whistle at the ladies and when they come near,

I practice showin’ off my poses for hours in the mirror!

They might be a pretty shape when you’re out sightseein’,

But nah, I’m a Hero – Yo homes, to Albion!


I pulled up to my manor after saving the day,

And I call to Lady Grey, “Come on, homes, lets play!”.

I looked at Bowerstone Manor,

I’m a mythical bein’,

‘Cause I’m finally the Fresh Hero of Albion!

… I am utterly shameless.




2 Responses to “The Fresh Hero Of Albion”

  1. Bob Bonsall February 13, 2014 at 9:20 am #

    Excellent work, as always. This is slightly tangential, but I wanted to let you know I’ve nominated your blog for a Liebster award. Want to claim your prize? I’ve left you instructions on today’s post. I’m not spamming you, just humor me.

  2. Tim Hurley February 13, 2014 at 12:19 pm #

    This would’ve been a much better opening to use over Fable III’s ‘chicken’ trailer.

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