Not As Lovely As I Am: Lovely Molly Review, Part One

21 Feb

You just have to love a horror movie title that could double as the porn title. Usually you have to wait till the parody comes out, like Wet Dreams On Elm Street, The Boink Witch Project, and of course, The Human Sextipede.  

You’ve, um… you’ve got a little something in your eye.

Ahem!

Today’s found footage film opens with a woman weeping in to the camera and proclaiming her innocence… before trying to slit her own throat.

Oh, jesus christ, you can tell this is going to be a happy one.

Fortunately, she’s apparently chosen a butter knife for this job and gets away with nothing more than a buttery neck, and we cut to a wedding. Which is complete with festivities, expositing to the camera, close-ups of cleavage, swearing, pissed off bridesmaids, references to dead parents, fun for the whole family!

(I’m… not entirely sure they didn’t just get married and decided to build a whole movie around it.)

The newlyweds, Molly and Tim, use part of the wedding montage to move in to their new house, and after Molly very dramatically pulls a sheet of a fancy chair, we get our title. Hmm… I don’t know if Molly’s that lovely, certainly not lovely enough to name a whole movie after. I’d give her… a 3.5 on the metric centicute scale!

(Not to be confused with a metric kilocute, which is comparable, but is instead a measure of how close someone is to being jailbait.)

Oh god, that’s a solid 30.58 on the kilocute! It’s reaching critical mass!

We get an establishing shot, and… wait, an establishing shot? So, what, this movie just flips between found footage to normal whenever the mood strikes it? You jackass, if I had known that, I wouldn’t have felt obligated to review this!

Anyway, Tim and Molly are woken up when their security system goes off with a sound like a microwave orgasming, and they call the cops and head downstairs to check it out. And by that, I mean Tim stands on the stairs and starts yelling. “Well, gee, I was going to murder everyone and steal all your stuff, but now that you yelled at me, I just feel too guilty! Well played, good sir!”

The cop arrives, and the couple lets him in to do what yelling couldn’t: Actually accomplish something! He checks the back door first, which is wide open and he establishes that it wasn’t locked, despite Tim insisting that he locked it. Oh, come on, man, you’re a newlywed, you were probably busy making sure your blushing bride’s back door was unlocked, so to speak.

The cop finds nothing, and heads on his way to right wrongs and fight super villains or whatever it is that movie cops do when they’re not on screen, and Tim and Molly head to bed. “I know I locked that back door, Molly!”

“Yeah, well, I said the same thing last night, and I still can’t walk straight.”

“I already apologized for that!”

… Why did this come up when I googled “back door”?! The fuck, Google?!

The next morning, Molly wakes up and decides to become a found footage film again. She wanders around, humming to herself as she films her whole house, for no reason other than shut up that’s why. She does manage to find a big ominous pit in the shed, which really, you’d think somebody would have noticed beforehand! Do all houses in the U.S come with “This Is Sparta” pits, just in case you have some particular annoying solicitors?

She heads down, and after seeing a strange moth symbol and hearing a bizarre hissing noise, we cut to Tim on hands and knees.

… I mean- he’s trying to beg forgiveness! Not- not, you know, the other thing, he’s not- just- oh, never mind. Seems he’s going away for work on her birthday, and she is understandably pissed. Oooh, better learn how to suck up fast, Tim, or you’re going to have to get married all over again if you ever want to see her back door again.

[Editor’s Note: Are you just going to turn everything in to a filthy joke?]

YOU CAN’T STOP ME DAMMIT.

The next day, things are incredibly icy between the two of them, to the point where you can only see them celebrating their anniversary with a murder suicide. But after he leaves, it turns out that he left her present on the seat of her car. Oooh, nice work, dude, you get an ‘A’ in Husband.

Molly takes the time to call and thank him at work, before getting called away for a surprise party. Which, fortunately, ends before we’re forced to sit through “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”, which is good, because it means I don’t have to kill again! And we cut to Molly and her sister celebrating this birthday like all responsible adults: drugs!

This message is brought to you by: Drugs!

They talk about how their parents died in this house, which is just the cheeriest way to celebrate a birthday, before sending the sister off. “Happy birthday, Molly! Remember how our parents died? Hah hah hah, that was fun!”

Molly wanders around for a bit, finding a room full of horse pictures, before accidentally falling asleep in the wrong bed. And, because she’s a little bit off her rocker by this point, finds this so suspicious that she has to immediately grab a baseball bat once she wakes up. This is eventually paid off when, after wandering around aimlessly, ready in case a tee ball came were to suddenly break out, the door suddenly starts vibrating. Oooh, somebody should teach Tim that trick, his marital problems would be gone like that.

[Editor’s Note: You are utterly shameless.]

Yeah, but I’m a solid 16.3 on the metric centicute scale.

3 Responses to “Not As Lovely As I Am: Lovely Molly Review, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley February 22, 2014 at 12:41 am #

    With the girls, the drugs, and all the ‘backdoor’ jokes… I just have to give this review my personal thumbs up.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Hey Molly, You’re So Fine, You’re So Fine You Blow My Mind, Hey Molly: Lovely Molly Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 22, 2014

    […] on Lovely Molly: We juggled genres, made enough filthy jokes that I keep getting ads for Porn Hub, and had the […]

  2. The Crazy Crackhead Power Hour: Lovely Molly Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 23, 2014

    […] Previously, on Lovely Molly: We got to watch as Molly tried to boink everything with a dick or a reasonable facsimile of one, including her own dead father, and injected herself with more heroin than the producers when they were greenlighting this movie, oh snap! […]

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