Hey Molly, You’re So Fine, You’re So Fine You Blow My Mind, Hey Molly: Lovely Molly Review, Part Two

22 Feb

I’m really not sure what to call Lovely Molly! Found footage? Straight horror? A ghost movie? The worst honeymoon ever? Some bizarre, dangerously erotic combination thereupon?

[Note to self, remember “Dangerously Erotic Combination” as the name for my memoir.]

Holy hell, is that your face, or rotten upholstery?

Previously, on Lovely MollyWe juggled genres, made enough filthy jokes that I keep getting ads for Porn Hub, and had the most depressing birthday that doesn’t involve trying to raise Cthulhu!


After the cop pops in and tells Molly that he can’t really arrest anyone on a charge of “Conspiracy To Shake Doors”, we cut to Molly and her sister at work, as Molly begs her sister for more weed on hands and knees. Oh, yeah, this is DEFINITELY the sign of a balanced psyche.

She says no, and after Molly storms off, we cut to her going home again. And hey, you can deride this movie for a lot (and I do mean a lot) of things, but it definitely does a great job in making this place seem alien and dangerous, without really doing anything! Like a loaded gun, the whole house just sits there, ready to eat your soul at the slightest provocation.

[Editor’s Note: Wait, guns eat your soul?]

Yeah, Canadians don’t fuck around when it comes to firearms.

Molly wanders around, messes with lamps, calls Tim, and settles down to bed. But she’s woken up on in the middle of the night when she starts hearing somebody weeping in the resident creepy closet. Wow, nobody would have been scared of the monster in the closet if they knew he was such a pussy.

“Do… do you want a hug, Mr. Monster?”

After staring at it as if it owes her money for really far, far too long, we cut back to the found footage. It consists almost entirely of Molly wandering around the neighbourhood in the dark, humming at the top of her lungs, and stalking people while they eat dinner.

Well. This just got incredibly rapey.

While you’re still trying to wash the “oh god why” off, we cut to Tim finally getting home. He finds Molly in the room of the creepy closet, completely naked, staring at the wall, and the only thing she says is, “He’s still alive”. Of course, anyone who’s been married before would be well used to this behaviour from their wife, but Tim is confused for some reason. Pssh, amateur. 

We cut to her in the bath, with Tim still very awkwardly trying to hold a conversation. “So. Um. How was your birthday?”


“Get any good presents?”


“Did you read any good books?”

“I snuck in to people’s yards at night and video taped their children.”

“See this is why we can’t have nice things.”

After that, we cut to them driving together, with Tim asking who she was talking about when she said he’s alive. And of course, she just looks away and refuses to answer. Oooh, bad sign, Tim, I think that means she’s cheating on you with Lord Satan. And speaking of which, it turns out they’re driving to a church! No no, everyone, get your gun out of your mouth, it’s not that bad, it turns out it’s the church from Blues Brothers!

We cut to that night, and Molly once again wakes up to wander around the house aimlessly. You know, lady, half your problems would be over if you just took some fucking Nyquil. She heads upstairs to the attic and starts riffling through her photo album, weeping, and disembowelling her teddy bear. Holy hell, this lady has more psychological problems than ABCs Of Deaths had poop jokes.

She finds a wrapped up roll of parchment with a spoon and needle inside, and as if to prove my “psychological issues” point, her night of weeping at family photos has turned Molly on so much that she starts boinking Tim the moment he wakes up. Holy fuck, either she’s looking for some form of emotional connection, or has gone so far around the bend that she thinks his dick is a rainbow and her vagina is the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

After Tim’s breakfast burns because he’s too busy offering some wang based therapy, he runs off to go keep the house from burning down, and now that the world no longer revolves around her clitoris, she leaves for work. Wow, I think this is the most depressing two people fucking can be, and I have a monthly subscription for “Misery Climax.com”.

While pushing around a big cart (an important part of any job, to be sure), a creepy shadow starts making horse noises at her. Oh god, it looks like [INSERT MY LITTLE PONY REFERENCE HERE LOOK I DON’T WATCH THAT SHOW OKAY] has finally snapped!

When she gets home, she relaxes with her teddy bear in her crotch because she doesn’t have a pool boy to do it instead, and then pulls out the camera to talk about how crazy she is. Turns out, she was a little cuckoo after her dad died, and nobody ever believed the crazy things she saw. Oh, boo hoo, so your dad died, join the fucking club!

Your membership card should arrive in about a week.

After Molly pledges that she’s going to show everyone this time, which… sounds more than a little murderous, we cut to her waking up in the middle of the night again, but this time, there’s a reason! Something is thumping around in the hallway outside, and she grabs the camera to record it. It opens the door annnnnd… we see nothing! Molly screams a lot, we hear more thumping, and then the door just closes. Jesus christ, I haven’t seen a climax fail like this since… when Tim and Molly tried to bang, I guess.

The next day, she goes in to work, but gets called in to the bosses office to see some security camera footage. Seems like, after she saw the shadow of Fluttershy (hah, knew I’d find an MLP reference eventually), she walked over, and… started fucking it.

… Is there anything you won’t put in your vagina, Molly?

She bursts out laughing, and starts going on about “how I am supposed to know who that man was”, despite the fact that the only thing availing itself to her back door was her own imagination (or possibly the aforementioned Lucky Charms Leprechaun), and the boss fires her on the spot. Oh, really? You’re saying that public anal sex with the hoary hosts of the netherworld can get you fired, well, bless my stars!

Either that, or Mr. Invisible has stopped asking permission.

Either that, or Mr. Invisible is less of a gentleman than we all assumed.

Molly’s sister drives her home, and to assuage her sorrow over losing her job, Molly- starts stalking more kids in the woods?! Good god, lady, you gives pedophiles a bad name! Even John Wayne Gacy took some time off to zip up his pants and rotate the chickens!

Eventually, one of the children spots her, so she flees in to the woods. She finds a deer, and despite all of her characterization to the contrary, she doesn’t take the time to try and fuck this too! Good job, you can learn!

We cut to her having a conversation about getting drunk with the local pastor. Seems Tim called him in to try and make her less crazy, which is always a nice thing for a husband to do! What isn’t a nice thing for a wife to do is her trying to seduce him. Yes, yes, a crazy woman flashing her panties is totally going lead a man from his God. Molly, haven’t you learnt yet, that only works if their God is Dionysus or they have unbelievably low standards!

As expected, he sprints out of the house as if her vagina is actually a live explosive, and meanwhile, she’s… injecting heroin in to her arm! You know, you wouldn’t expect a woman to engage in a torrid cycle of debauchery and drugs when she spends all day alone in a house. Usually, somebody else has to get involved to turn somebody in to a drug addled woman of the night, but apparently she’s content just stealing drugs from herself and selling her body to an empty hallway!


We cut to Molly barging in to her sister’s house, where she starts ranting and raving like, oh, I don’t know, somebody high on heroin. But her sister manages to calm her down, just as she promises not to send her to the nuthouse again. Oh, yeah, good point, it’s not as if you’re FUCKING INSANE!

The next day, Molly is… stalking the mother of those children at the mall?!


Tim finally gets home, and opens all the windows to let the smell of drugged up lunatic out, and finds her little collection of needles, spoons, and tubes. Not that she was hiding it, or anything, she just keeps it out on the dining room table, in case she wants to have some cheerios with a side order of heroin in the morning.

Tim talks to her over dinner, telling her that he’s going to make her go to rehab (no, no, no), and during the night, he notices her once again wandering away. But he follows her, and finds her muttering crazily in to her camcorder. He confronts her over how fucking insane this is, and she says, no no no, I’m not having a psychotic episode, I’m just talking to my invisible dead father!


Oooh, meeting the in-laws is always tough.


One Response to “Hey Molly, You’re So Fine, You’re So Fine You Blow My Mind, Hey Molly: Lovely Molly Review, Part Two”


  1. The Crazy Crackhead Power Hour: Lovely Molly Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 23, 2014

    […] on Lovely Molly: We got to watch as Molly tried to boink everything with a dick or a reasonable facsimile of one, […]

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