Yippie Ki Yay, Corpse F**ker: The Horde Review, Part Two

26 Feb

You know, I wonder, are French zombies any different from American zombies? Are they really adept at forming resistance movements against the fascist humans, or maybe eat cheese instead of brains? The only way to kill them is a fresh baguette to the skull? I’m just spit ballin’ here, people!

Why is the sky RED? Were blue skies considered too unfashionable in France?

Previously, on La Horde: The French John McLanes attacked a big apartment building just chock full of badass character actors- er, I mean, criminals, but before they can reach the fastest climax in a movie since “Premature Ejaculators Two, The Quickening”, zombies attack!

Ahem!

Our resident neighbourhood zombie hostage tosses his meat shield at them as a distraction, before getting down to trying to eat one of them, and despite the sheer power of French kung fu, they can’t beat him in to submission. So, the badass black gangster decides on plan B: Point Blank Shotgun To The Head! (This is also his plan for meeting in-laws, parking tickets, and erectile dysfunction.)

But before pants can be emptied of urine and blood, they hear more growling outside, and one of the criminals is dragged out by the legs. Jesus, chill down with the body count, movie! 50% of the cast is dead and we’re barely half an hour in!

The rest of the criminals head out to help him, except for the other black guy of the team. He gets to guard the hostages… as the two dead criminals start coming back to life.

“You know, my horoscope said this was going to be a rough day today.”

And once again, the universe fucks the virgos.

In the chaos of the zombie attacks, everyone starts fleeing for the roof, and not even the power of Badass Black Guy can stop them, but they do manage to escape with Badass Black Hat Guy, the Suit, Token Female Team Member, Moustache, and Cop Riddled With Holes. (I figure, if I’m going to be spending a movie with the rest of these schmucks, might as well get around to naming them!)

The Badass Brigade lock the door to the roof, and notice that around them, Generic French City is tearing itself apart. Which, hey, the explosions the burning city would be bad enough… if it wasn’t for the sea of zombies surrounding the building. It’s… really hard to think of a situation worse than this, unless maybe one of them is pregnant, and somehow, I’m the father.

They start trying to brainstorm a plan out, but Cop Riddled With Holes is being a tad pessimistic, talking about how fucked they all are, but he’s allowed to because he’s wearing his Redshirt today! Moustache convinces Badass that the two groups need to team up, despite the animosity, which means… that I must have thought one of the cops was dead when he really wasn’t, and Moustache has been one of the cops this whole time.

… Look, it’s not my fault! They were wearing ski masks, and I’m terrible at math unless I’m using it to measure how much blood I need to pump out of my basement!

(Don’t ask. Our easter parties are WILD.)

Finally united with the power of mutual loathing, the Badass Brigade sneaks past the zombies and back in to their hideout to grab more guns and cocaine, because I guess they’re using it as medical supplies now! Man, Snowflame must be the greatest zombie hunter ever.

Moustache and Token Female have a heart to heart about some character development, which I’d normally be all over, but it feels so… tacked on! You started your Die Hard with zombies with no character scenes, and now that everything’s jumping, now you think we should develop characters?! We already know they’re doomed to be meat shields anyway!

Anyway, TLDR, Token is a terrible girlfriend/wife/fuckbuddy, who apparently used a revelation about her being pregnant earlier this night to screw with Beardsly. Now with that over with, on with the plan! Seems this building should have been condemned years ago, because the only things that still work are the stairs, so they’re just going to have to be very sneaky and hope for the best. Oh, yeah, that’s a brilliant fucking plan, truly Machiavellian in its complexity!

The first staircase they try is coated with blood, which is rarely a good sign unless you’re watching a children’s movie, so they have to head across to the other staircase, through a floor composed almost entirely of flickering lights. And of course, this is when the zombies call them up on the radio to taunt them, right?

Well, no, but I CAN DREAM, DAMMIT.

Something keeps grunting and growling in the dark, just like whenever I go to church, and they eventually find more zombies, also just like whenever I go to church. The Suit, Token, and Cop Riddled With Bullets gets separated from the rest of the group, and while the other two are off doing god knows what, the Suit is single handedly trying to beat two super fast, super strong zombies with his bare hands. 

AND HE WINS.

Somebody want to explain to me about how “horror movie protagonists should be weak”, again?

After pulling out a switch blade and finishing them off, he finally opens the door to leave as more come, and despite getting munched on while they struggle to get the door open, the Suit still makes it out in one piece! Damn, point one for the French! And when the other zombies head after them, Badass breaks the door window, and guns them right the fuck down with his shotgun!

Oh my god, I love this movie.

Badass insists that, like it or not, Moustache is the only cop on a team full of cons now, and he’d better learn to adapt without his backup dancers, but Moustache insists Token and Cop Riddled With Bullets are dead now, and he’d better learn to live with that!

… Annnnd cut to Token beating a zombie to death with a kitchen. She smashes her head in the cabinet, with a platter, a glass ash tray, snaps her neck, and for the fatality, just drops the fucking fridge on her! (Oooh, be careful, Indiana Jones is in there.)

“OH GOD HELP I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LAND THIS THING.”

Back with the rest of the Brigade, they find that a massive chunk of the building, including the staircase, has been blown up. “Okay, guys, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think we just have to kill enough zombies, dump them down the hole, and use them as a cushion! It’s fucking fool proof!”

They hear a chopping and hacking in the next room, and head over to find a massive beast of an old man, with a big butchers apron, and an axe that looks like he pulled it out of Satan’s colon, hacking some corpses to death. Well. He certainly looks friendly.

He starts asking them about how many Chinese people they’ve killed, which… is definitely a sign of stable, stable health! Seems he’s viewing this like a video game, cackling over his kill count and the massive hole he blew in the wall- okay, seriously, does fucking everybody in France have explosives?!

The Old Bastard, as Suit refers to him and frankly I think it’s the best possible name for a bargain bin Pyramid Head, notices Suit’s bite wound and offers to “take care of him”. Okay, see, this is a bad sign! When the old man starts talking like that, it means he’s either going to kill you, or strip naked. Either way, RUN.

Over with Token and C.R.W.B, they find a blood soaked corpse, having blown his own brains out, showing gore and blood all over the happy pictures on the wall. God, this is truly such a perverse, mindless tragedy, one which we must spend several minutes dwelling on- hah hah hah! Had you going there, didn’t I? “Loot his corpse and meet me in the kitchen, I’m going to see if I can try and crossbreed vodka with coffee in to some sort of concentrated zombie murder juice.”

Back with the Old Bastard, they’re treating Suit’s bite wound, propping him up, cleaning the wound, prepping the axe, all the sorts of things you do for a wound like tha- wait. Axe?

“I’m going to chop off your leg.”

… Well. At least you were direct about it, most old men I date try and pussy foot around the issue!

Once you see your doctor start pulling out the axes, you know it’s officially time to panic.

There is, understandably, some objection on this point, and a shouting match soon breaks out, which Badass finds endlessly amusing! “Oh, sure, laugh it up, maybe we’ll get a zombie to bite your knob, see how you like high speed amputation!”

We cut to Token- actually, she’s so badass, I’ll call her by her actual name- Aurore and Cop Riddled With Bullets, who tries to apologize for being a bitch to her over the pregnancy thing… until she says “fuck your apology”, sees he’s turning in to a zombie, and orders him to cuff himself. But even half dead, half zombie, on cocaine, and sitting on the floor, he’s French, so he’s still badass enough to knock her out with one smack with the butt of his gun.

(You know, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I’m so going to France. Everyone there is apparently a badass cocaine ninja who can beat the zombie equivalent of Superman with their bare hands, shotguns and copious amounts of plastic explosives!)

(Note to self, use that as a band name.)

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One Response to “Yippie Ki Yay, Corpse F**ker: The Horde Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Smashing French Stereotypes, One Zombie At A Time: The Horde Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 27, 2014

    […] on La Horde: Outside, the zombie apocalypse is rocking, but inside, our Badass Brigade of criminals and cops […]

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