Archive | March, 2014

The Needs Of The Many Outweigh The Needs Of Omegle

31 Mar

Hey, everybody, March is hereby the first month to exceed 2000 views in a singular month! HURRAY! In celebration, I’m going to go to Omegle and make fun of stupid people!

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, I thought you were going to do that anyway-]



Give me april fools prank ideas?

Kill a man!

It sounded better on paper.

best way to ask a girl you don’t know for her number?

Dude, don’t ask me. Last time I tried to flirt with a girl, I got nervous, started rambling, and somehow I ended up giving her the complete plot summary to The Human Centipede.

On one hand, she wasn’t that in to it, but on the other hand, she wasn’t that in to it!

No one should be that in to Human Centipede!

No one should be that in to Human Centipede!

Any naughty girl want to chat?


The answer is no.

No naughty girls want to chat.

Naughty girls will never want to chat.

What nothing can be transformed into something and can be used

… Edger Allan Poe wrote on both?

My masturbation habit used to be so bad, every day I came home from middle school I’d quickly undress, get under the sheets, and jerk off. I just told my parents I needed a “brief relaxation.”

Worst episode of Intervention EVER.

First to cut off own penis then eats it wins $997,000,000,000.50

Hmm… well, it is a delicious snack food…

Trade pictures.(;

Hah hah hah fuck you.

It SHOCKS ME that I only have one of these pictures! God, I have more pony porn than I do "fuck you" pictures!

It SHOCKS ME that I only have one of these pictures! God, I have more pony porn than I do “fuck you” pictures!

A Tale Of Not Enough Woe: Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss Review, Part Three

30 Mar

You know, I expected a lot about this retelling of Romeo And Juliet with seals… but why is it so damn boring?! How do you even do that?!

Seriously, I haven’t been this bored by a movie since “Paint Drying, The Porn Parody”.

Previously, on Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss: Romeo and Juliet happened. But, you know. With seals.


After our little commercial break, we cut to Romeo And Juliet, still trying to find some privacy, this time in a kelp forest, until the Prince swims by. Which they avoid, fortunately enough, but they still can’t avoid that stalker fucking goldfish! Okay, THAT’S our tale of more fucking woe, then this dumbass tale with this fuckhead Romeo.

Anyway, we cut to the Prince finding Benvolio and Mercutio, the latter of which is still telling his offensive jokes, which pisses the Prince off to no end. But, unfortunately for fans of Mercutio getting squished by an elephant seal, Romeo runs in to stop him from squishing the little bastard. Which succeeds at stopping him… for about, oh, ten seconds! Then the Prince starts chasing Mercutio up the nearest cliff, because comedy THIS bad deserves the death sentence.

Fortunately, Mercutio falls! Unfortunately, it’s in to the water, instead of all those pointy spikes, which… I guess seals just have now! This pisses off Romeo, so he decides to jump at the Prince and send the two of them toppling off after Mercutio. And, despite the fact that they’re on the same cliff and fall off the same spot, they manage to hit the beach instead of the safe water. I guess God really DOES hate you, Mercutio!



It turns out, the ground is softer than the water, because Romeo and the Prince are alive, and the Prince banishes Romeo to… SHARK ISLAND! GASP!

Wait, why don’t you just kill him? We literally just proved that you’re willing to kill people, right the fuck out of nowhere, so why not the one person you actually want dead?! God, this movie is dumb!

… Erm, anyway! When somebody gets banished to Shark Island, it turns out that nobody actually TAKES him there, they just kind of boot him in to the water and assume he’s nice enough to kill himself! Gosh, I miss the days when public executions were held on the honour system.

The Prince tells Juliet that they’re getting married tonight, and after she runs off in to a montage, the Prince… starts a musical number about how hot he is.

Well. That’s certainly a thing that just happened.

Over in the nice portion of the plot, Romeo has arrived on “Fuck Self Preservation” Island, and you’d think, you’d think that a shark infested death trap would keep that damn stalker fish out, but no! No, apparently the sharks over here hate this fucker so much, they won’t even EAT IT! You had one job, sharks!


Over with Juliet, she’s told the Friar about her troubles, who just shrugs his meetkat shoulders and says, “eh, marry the Prince”, because a pre-teen having to fuck an old fat guy is something that you can just kind of brush off! Juliet’s a bit bummed at this, so he says, oh, don’t worry, here, take this roofie. Oh, and then, Mercutio is alive! And still misquoting Shakespeare! My god, it’s like you were never gone! … Leave again!

Over at the wedding, the Friar shows up with Juliet’s unconcious form, which the Prince just kind of shrugs off and leaves! Man, everyone’s really nonchalant all of a sudden. Benvolio sees her, and before the Friar can stop him, he swims off to warn Romeo. Quick, Friar, chase after him! Oh, what’s that? You’re not a sea bound mammal? And the island is surrounded by sharks? Well. On the bright side, you still have more of an excuse than the original Friar.

The Friar arrives at Shark Island, just as Benvolio and Romeo have already gone back to the beach, because sit-com-esque miss connections are just as the Bard intended- actually, that pretty much IS how it went in the play, never mind. And speaking of things that happened in the play, while Romeo is crying Juliet’s name on the rock where they did their musical number, the Friar… is rapping.

Still not as bad as Tromeo And Juliet.

Anyway, the shark that the Friar’s been fighting with gets a hold of him, and they end up in the sunken fish jazz club, until the insufferable stalker fish tries to help, and calls in a hoard of clones! My god, it’s like the Clone Saga, if Judas Traveller was even more insufferable! And also a fish.

Over with Romeo, he finds Juliet’s body at the Capulet funeral, and after macking with the corpse a bit, he falls unconscious too! Well, I think we just made a very good case for why making out with dead people is a bad idea.

Anyway, everyone assumes Romeo and Juliet are dead, and the two families come together to grieve, while the Friar tries to spin this in to a “this is why fighting is stupid” bit, even though the only reason this happened is because two people fell in love and the Prince is a dick, but hey, who’s counting!

Mercutio rides in on a wave, which means, yes, he DOESN’T die in this version. And speaking of which… you might be saying, “hey, if they’re both just unconscious, how will they end up dying?”. Well… they don’t! Yes, this is a version of Romeo and Juliet where they both live!


So, that was Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss! How was it?

… I didn’t like it!

It mangles the Shakespeare play, the animation varies wildly between adequate and terrible, it’s ungodly boring, the musical numbers just seem to come right the fuck out of nowhere, it’s just a mess! But, to be fair…

… Nope, don’t want to be fair. This movie sucks!

Pray For A Killer Whale: Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss Review, Part Two

29 Mar

… You know what, no, I’m still not ready to accept this! Romeo And Juliet told with seals?! The hell?! What’s next, Romeo And Juliet told by GNOMES?!


Why is everything orange, are they on fire?

Previously, on Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss: Jazz happened while seals failed to quote Shakespeare, and I contemplated finishing the suicides an hour early!


After they escape the party, Mercutio and Benvolio realize that Romeo isn’t with them. Well, of course not, you two are so fucking unbareable, I’m surprised he even talks to you in the first place. No, Romeo has swam off to go creepily stalk Juliet, because like every romance movie ever, “masturbating through your window = twue wuv”.

Yes, they’re recreating the balcony scene, which- and I’m not kidding here- when we were reading the book in class, the teacher skipped the scene because he thought it was boring. Not that I was missing much, apparently, it’s mostly misquoting Shakespeare, which I’m not even sure why I’m surprised at this point, and then- hey! A musical number! Which features them… flying through space?

“Crappy Animated Movie: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starseal Romeo. It’s one hour voyage: to explore new musical numbers, misquote more Shakespeare, to boldly fuck up where no animated movie has fucked up before.”

Not gonna watch that, just gonna wait for “Star Seal: Deep Sea Nine”.

That goes on for really far too long, until Juliet’s father starts calling for her. Which, of course, is the cue for Romeo to propose to her. I- just- wait, what?! They’ve just met! And they’re preteens! And she’s already getting married to somebody else! And WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SEALS!

… Sorry, still can’t get over that.

The next day, after Romeo takes the time to kiss every single person in the sea (what a sea slut), we cut to Benvolio and Mercutio… telling puns.

Well. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go revel in the comedic “brilliance” of The Motherfucking Cocksucking Cornshucking Starving Games.

After that… cinematic train wreck fades to black, we cut to Romeo heading in to the dark cave of Friar Lawrence, because all priests live in caves nowadays, and we get to see that the Friar is apparently, A, a meerkat, and B, a motherfucking witch. Well. Wrong play, but you get a B for “bubble bubble, toil and trouble”.

Romeo eventually convinces the Friar, because it turns out the Friar is on EVERY drug, and he marries the two. You know, why do seals even have weddings? Do they have to prove themselves in front of their seal gods? Do they eat of the seal Eucharist? Do they go to seal hell- wait, scratch that, THIS is seal hell.

Trust me, little buddy, I’d prefer the hot pokers too.

After cutting to Benvolio and Mercutio to establish that Mercutio has switched his puns for legitimately funny jokes about killing the Capulets, and the listening Capulets REALLY don’t like that, we cut to Romeo and Juliet, celebrating their marriage… with jazz.

Worst. Honeymoon sex tape. Ever.

After THAT goes on for far, far, far, far, far, far, FAR too long, the assorted sea life they’re dancing with realize that a Capulet and a Montague are together. And, like most people who see a relationship they disagree with, they decide to resolve their dispute with: Attempted Homicide!

… I really wish that was hyperbole.

They escape to a nice hot spring, and find a seagull who even takes the time to disagree with their relationship, which is surprising. I mean, seagulls are the tramps of the sea world! Anyway, Romeo and Juliet hide behind a hot spring to boink, only for the little stalker goldfish that’s been following Romeo around to start making out with him in front of Juliet. Jesus, fish, you’re playing with fire. Not only are these two married, but they’re also a species that eats fish! There were so many ways this could have gone wrong!

Anyway, the little assfish points out that if the Prince finds out, he’ll kill them both, and we pan over to see him watching the couple, gritting his elephant seal teeth the whole time. Annnnd then it fades to black! What, do you expect a commercial to start up-

… I don’t like you.

Why Does This EXIST? Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss Review, Part One

28 Mar

Romeo and Juliet… with seals.


I… I don’t even… WHAT?!

Yes, seriously, this is a thing. This is a thing that happened. Romeo And Juliet: Sealed With A Kiss, a 2006 animated animated film that was written, animated, and directed entirely by one guy, Phil Nibbelink, who also worked on The Iron Giant, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and did pretty much everything on the 1999 Puss In Boots, and- wait, that was a thing too?!

… I’m starting to miss the calm, reliable days of terrible horror films.


Our… bizarrely specific seal-based retelling of Romeo And Juliet opens with narration, setting up the plot. Basically, the Capulets are the white seals, and the Montagues are brown. And then… jazz music happens! Well, of course, when I think of Romeo and Juliet and Seals, I think about a smooth fucking saxophone!

Over the jazz, we see one of the Montague seals, Benvolio, run in to a Capulet, and Benvolio goes running for Mercutio. Wait, you kept the NAMES?! You changed the entire species, but oh, the names are just too iconic to mess with?! WHY THE HELL AM I WATCHING THIS!

… Erm, anyway! Mercutio decides to threaten the Capulet by quoting the wrong Shakespeare play (oh, pssh, they all have codpieces, who’s counting!), and the Capulet runs off. Benvolio and Montague follow, only to be lead in to an ambush by a whole army of white seals. But of course, a classic maneuver!

This goes back and forth for a while, with seals running back and forth and back and forth and exchanging lousy slapstick  and misquoting Shakespeare, while I contemplate how many shots I can down before this movie makes me cry (37), until suddenly the sky turns red. “YOU HAVE ANGERED GOD, SEALS, AND YOU SHALL FEEL… MY… WRATH!”

No, actually, it turns out that the Prince in this version is an elephant seal. With the power to boil water and turn everything red. Because elephant seals are fucking wizards, that’s why. The Prince tells them that if any of them disturb this beach again, they will be killed- er, I mean, banished to Shark Island! Because… you know, islands are made of sharks now. It’s a very sturdy building material, I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet.

All of the seals, still grumbling, go to their own sides of the island, and Mercutio informs Benvolio that the Capulets are having a party tonight, and how they should crash it. At least, I think that’s what’s going on, these things are talking in a thick dialect of misquoted Shakespeare, fish puns, and skin peelingly-bad voice acting, so for all I know, they’re actually putting on a seal version of 50 Shades Of Grey.

Anyway, Mercutio and Benvolio find Romeo sitting on a rock, moping. And he’s apparently so sad, that everything’s gone grey scale, along with a single beam of light shining on his head. Good god, this is so over the top, I keep expecting Nickleback to start groaning over it. They decide to try and cheer him up, with the universally respected tactic for cheering people up: Terrible slapstick! Ah, yes, my psychiatrist does the same thing.

"Honk honk! You have adequacy issues! Whoopee!"

“Honk honk! You have adequacy issues! Whoopee!”

Understandably, this completely fails, and despite how fucking obnoxious Mercutio and Benvolio are, Romeo is about to tell them… until they start a musical number. Well, calling it a musical number is fucking generous, because it’s the two of them saying “wha woo” over and over again while Romeo talks about his romance problems in rhyme. Not SINGING, mind, just… rhyming. Well. On the bright side, you’re going to get your suicides an hour early.

After… that’s over with, the trio head to the Capulet party, held on a beached pirate ship like all reputable parties, and they argue about whether or not to join, until they see the Prince join the party. And of course, he immediately starts to flirt with the Juliet-seal, because an elephant seal having sex with a baby seal is just about as nightmarish as a kids movie can get without including the Seal Centipede.

Mercutio, Romeo, and Benvolio disguise themselves with the snow and infiltrate the party. Gasp, that is RACIST! Benvolio and Mercutio try to mingle like only a comic relief could, while Romeo stalks Juliet. Oh, but that’s not even a little creepy compared to the Prince trying to propose to Juliet. Hah hah hah, it’s funny because THEY’RE DIFFERENT SPECIES AND SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE HAH HAH HAH SO FUCKING FUNNY.

While the Prince goes to ask Juliet’s father if he can marry her, Juliet makes the googly-eyes with Romeo, so naturally, Mercutio decides that what this romance needs is comic relief! 

Oh, wait, NO IT DOESN’T.

I hope those things are piranhas, you fat little abomination of all good and holy.

Fortunately for fans of not having to tear out your optical nerves with a dull spork, the Prince returns are chases Romeo all over the ship, with Romeo taking the time to kiss Juliet every time her runs by. (Wait… do seals even kiss?) Finally, the Prince tosses the little fuck in to the water, and his disguise washes away. That’s right, he wasn’t a Capulet! GASP! THE FACT THAT HE WAS COVERED IN SNOW COMPLETELY DISGUISED THAT FACT!


Sexy People Doing Sexy Things

27 Mar

[Editor’s Note: Okay, I just have to know, are you trying to drum up more views from people looking for porn again, or are you just placing your order for the day?]

Eh. Little bit of both.

Actually Am Xyzzy

26 Mar

Well, it’s time for me to go do important things! Write the Great Canadian Novel, swim the oceans, climb a mountain, star in a movie, make a porno, kill a man, cure cancer, and, of course, write the Oceans Mountain as they star in a porno movie where they kill a man with a cure for cancer! Why, yes, it certainly seems like a productive day-

What’s that?

There’s an international online version of Cards Against Humanity called Pretend You’re Xyzzy?

Secretary, cancel all my appointments.

[Editor’s Note: I keep telling you, I am not your secretary!]


Call The Exterminators: The Human Centipede 2 Review, Part Three

25 Mar

Hey, everybody, it’s finally over! We’re done! The nightmare is evil! All we have to do is finish this last part of The Human Centipede 2, and we never have to worry about European anuses ever again!

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, what about the third one? And the porn parody-]


Yes… yes, it will.

Previously, on The Human Centipede 2: Martin Greasy, London security guard and fucking lunatic, has tried to create a human centipede. Wait, did I say “create a human centipede”? I mean, slaughter random people and mutilating his genitals while the first movie plays in the background.

… I need a drink.


After murdering his psychiatrist, Martin stalks through the parking garage, growling like a wild animal. Which would be kinda impressive, if he didn’t have to stop and puff his inhaler. Jesus, you’re less threatening than a loofah.

He finds the prostitute giving herself a time out in the corner, and she takes the time to mace him, but one jump cut later and he has her in the Rapemobile. Martin gets a call from the agent, and Martin heads down to the airport to pick up Miss Yennie, the woman who played the middle centipede in the first movie. Yes, yes, meta, we get it. You could not be trying harder to be pretentious if you just called yourself My Baby Is Black!

… Don’t ask.

Martin picks up Miss Yennie, and she starts talking about the production of The Human Centipede, because you just know that that is the best thing to say to the creepy guy with a centipede for a dick. He takes her in to the Rape Warehouse, annnnnnd boom! Head injuries are the SAFEST way to knock someone out, right? Won’t result in major fucking brain damage, right? Right?! Better say yes, dammit!


Okay, okay, okay… deeeep breath… deeeeeeep breath… I can get through this, I can get through this…

After stripping Miss Yennie naked, Martin starts playing with bugs, because every good psychopath needs a hobby! He pulls out his big tool box of Unpleasant Things (trademark), and from it, pulls out some knives, pliers, shears, a hammer, a barbecue fork, a cleaver, and other things that could never make a fucking centipede! Seriously, are you just planning to hammer their butts together till a centipede happens?

(Good god, I’m actually trying to understand this movie. Annnnnd back to the bottle!)

Martin pulls out his ever handy crowbar, and stuns all of his victims, one by one. He then takes one of them, and… bashes out his teeth with the hammer, one by one?! 

Son, be a dentiiiiist! You have a talent, for causing things pain! So, be a dentiiiiist! People will pay you to be inhumane!

With a job well done, Martin heads over the pregnant woman, and after slapping her a couple times, realizes she’s dead. Oh, but they make sure to let us know that the baby is still alive. Hah hah hah, it’s funny because DEAD BABIES.

Martin heads over to Miss Yennie, and after checking his Human Centipede Strategy Guide, starts cutting around her kneecap. Oh, and yes, we get to see the whole thing, including her retching in pain, and even seeing him pull out a tendon from INSIDE HER FLESH AND SLICE IT OPEN.

… You know, I am seriously starting to doubt this is a family film.

He does the same thing to the guy in line, only they fortunately abridge it this time, so all we see is his pain and the slicing of the tendon. You might say that’s a mercy, but all I have to say is NEED MORE BOOZE.

Martin heads over to the next guy (all these people are interchangeable) and he… starts slicing open his ass. (I’m just rolling with the punches people.) But when Martin accidentally kills this one, he bursts in to tears and sobs over the corpse. Aww, does psychopath want his ass-play?

Now convinced that simply cutting open the asses and stitching them to people behind them won’t work, Martin starts thinking of a new plan. And… then he notices his staple gun. Oh, yeah, remember that first title? “Breaking The Fourth Wall, Then Stapling It To His Ass”? Hah hah hah, did you think I was fucking joking?!

Hah hah hah, FUCK YOU!

Hah hah hah, FUCK YOU!

Deeeeeep breath… deeeeep breath… the love of the earth mother flows through me, the love of the earth mother flows out…

Martin starts off by stapling two of them together, and that works so well, that one nightmare montage later, he has them all stapled together! You know, this is nightmarish, and horrific, and I’ll never sleep again, but I have just one question… how many staples did he have to use for this?

Now, with his insanity full realized, Martin starts dancing around with grand orchestral music, and forcing the newly formed centipede to crawl around the room. Oh, and we get to see that he included duct tape to hold all of this together. Huh, I guess it really can be used for anything.

Martin starts brushing their hair while they crawl around the room, until he gets out a bowl of food for them to eat. Miss Yennie figures that the best response is to whip the bowl across the room, which I’m sure will lead to a calm and rational response! Oh, what’s that? He threads a massive tube down her throat and pours the food in that way? Well, colour me surprised!

(No, seriously, colour me surprised, this woman has one hell of a gag reflex.)

And… hey, wait a second, I just realized: There are only ten people in this centipede! The Wikipedia entry said there would be twelve! I think we just proved that not even Wikipedia could sit through this fucking movie!

… Then again, who could blame them?

... There's probably something in here I should censor. Maybe the whole thing. Hell, maybe this whole damn REVIEW.

… There’s probably something in here I should censor. Maybe the whole thing. Hell, maybe this whole damn REVIEW.

Martin’s cell phone rings, and despite the shrieking centipede, he answers anyway. It’s the actor’s… and apparently, the other centipede segments from the first film are now ready for their “Tarantino audition”! Ah, yes, I can see it now: Greasy Unchained.

Miss Yennie still won’t shut up, so Martin decides to just… rip her tongue out! Because apparently it’s just that easy! Oh, and then he… goes down the centipede, trying to force each one to crap in the other’s mouths?!

I… I don’t even know why I’m surprised at this point.

Oh, and then, Martin grabs a big bottle of laxatives, sticks it in a hypodermic needle, and… really? Do I really have to explain what happens next?!

[Editor’s Note: Yep.]

Says you, you’re not even watching this fucking thing!

[Editor’s Note: Hey, do your job, or I’ll make you watch the porn parody after this!]

… I’ll be good.

Martin goes all down the centipede and injects each one with the laxative, and… nature takes it’s course. All while Martin cackles maniacally, and cartoonish shit noises play in the background, and it splashes all over the camera, and we actually see it, and- and- and- and- and- and- and- and- and and and and and andandandand-









Ack, still tastes like blue!

Despite how all this crap stuff was HIS idea, Martin suddenly starts vomiting in the corner. Oh, and then he licks the blood off his fingers. Annnnnnnd then he goes to hug the last segment of the centipede, while the pregnant corpse is suddenly no longer a corpse, and runs away… while the blood pours out of her vagina… because she’s giving birth.

She hides in the car outside, gives birth, and the baby falls on to the floor… WHICH SHE THEN CURB STOMPS WHEN SHE POUNDS ON THE ACCELERATOR.


[Editor’s Note: Erik? You okay?]

No. No, I am not.

Yeah, that's a good expression.

Yeah, that’s accurate.

The centipede realizes that, hey, this is only duct tape and staples, he can just tear through this, and the centipede splits in half. And when Martin’s done with his little BSOD outside, he riddles the back half with bullets, which leaves the first one time to hit the lights and throw his bug case at him. Pssh, that the best you can do? The Japanese guy would have killed himself at him, like, three times by now!

He catches up with the other half, and when he runs out of bullets, he pulls out his knife and slits the throats of everyone in line. But when he reaches Miss Yennie, he seems to stop… giving her time to punch him in the balls, grab the funnel, and stick a centipede up his ass. Good god, is this Human Centipede 2, or a Looney Tunes cartoon directed by Eli Roth?!

So, everyone except the mass murdering rapist psychotic mutilating maniac dies! Happy ending! And then it… cuts to Martin finishing watching The Human Centipede at the beginning of the movie?

So… was the entire movie just a daydream in Martin’s head as he watches a movie during his boring day job?


SO! That was The Human Centipede 2! How was it?

Not that bad!


It’s everything the first movie was rumoured to be, and worse! THIS is the movie people should be weeping about in hushed tones, not the first one! It’s just- I don’t- but- THEY CURB STOMPED A BABY!

But, to be fair, at least it wasn’t The Starving Games, you have to give it that much.

Rectum? I Darn Near Killed ‘Em: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part Two

24 Mar

Yes, yes, soak up the cheesiness of that title, it’s the closest you’re going to get to enjoyment for a long while.

Surprisingly enough, the Centipede line of tampons never took off! Go figure.

Previously, on The Human Centipede 2: We were introduced to Martin Greasy, the man who’s family life would make Oedipus’s head spin and an obsession with the first movie that’s driving him to try and recreate it, because apparently people in London don’t have a lot to do.


Martin Greasy and his mother settle down for a breakfast, until she gets pissed at the noise upstairs and starts banging the ceiling with a broom. Which is, of course, when a big barely skinhead comes down… and the mother blames the banging on her son. Jesus, this family would make Norman Bates say “whoa, tone it down!”.

The bald guy starts beating the crap out of Martin, while the mother begs for him to kill them both and talks about how Martin’s father was a real man, and wow, this a six course meal of “what the fuck is going on here”! Can we go to the next scene? What’s that? It’s Martin watching the scene from the first movie, explaining how to make a human centipede while he takes notes? Well, congratulations, you win the national prize of go fuck yourself!


A couple and their baby are heading through the car park, so Martin heads over to do his dirty business. You know, riddle them with bullets, beat up everything with a crowbar, watch as people struggle and die, rinse and repeat. And, interestingly enough for this movie, he doesn’t rape the baby! I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that that’s a sentence I had to say, or the fact that it’s a genuine surprise.

He loads them in to his van, and we get to see that the woman is pregnant, because that’s just the best way to endear yourself to your audience, and the second best way is cutting to Martin mutilating his… genitals with sandpaper as he watches Human Centipede?! 

I’d say this is dangerously erotic, but fuck that, I’m not dignifying this fucking insanity with my joke.

I quit. Seriously. Fuck it.

After gathering up a couple more bar flies off screen, we cut to Martin inspecting all of his now naked victims in his Rape Warehouse. Oh, and the power has to go out, because at least then we can pretend that Batman’s hiding in the shadows, ready to knock this bastard out! Ah, I can dream, can’t I?

Martin’s phone rings, and it’s one of the actresses from the film, saying that she’d be happy to star in his new film! Well, sure, if by “star”, you mean “victim”, and by “film”, you mean “rectum”, and by happy, you somehow also meant “rectum”!

He goes home, and while he sleeps, his mother… sneaks in and tries to murder him in his sleep with a knife?!

You don’t get that coupon book for Mother’s Day any more!

Fortunately(?), it turns out he wasn’t in bed yet, so when she stabs the mattress, he just shrugs, and crawls in to bed anyway. Oh, sure, not as if she just tried to murder you, you fucking moro- wait, why am I complaining, that would just make the movie end faster! Go, go, go, go!

Martin flashes back to himself getting raped as a baby again (… charming), and his mother starts slitting her wrists, two feet away from him. You know, at this point, I’m starting to think an unhealthy obsession with human centipedes is the least of this guy’s troubles. His mother, despite the fact that she already slit her wrists, takes the time to tear up his Human Centipede fan book, because zombie psychotic rapist mothers are incredibly petty.

… Not a sentence I ever expected to say.

I'm sad too.

I’m sad too.

The mother yells at him to get the centipedes out of the house, so he figures hitting her with one and then beating her skull in with a mallet is a perfectly reasonably response! Oh, and we get full view of his mother’s caved in gory skull, which he then seats across from himself while he eats breakfast.

Oh, what’s that, you don’t believe me?

Hah hah hah, YOU thought I was joking, didn't you!

Hah hah hah, YOU thought I was joking, didn’t you!

Martin, seemingly invigorated after his bout of homicide, decides to bang the ceiling with the broom to summon the wrath of angry bald guy, Martin immediately shoots and then bludgeons him to death. You know, I’m starting to see a pattern here.

In his quest for the ultimate centipede, Martin gathers up everything he thinks he could use in a big suitcase, before… going to work?! In his blood soaked clothes?! After crapping his pants and then seeing Doctor ZZ Top and a fat guy fuck a hooker in a car WHILE THE DOCTOR TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO FUCK MARTIN?!

You know, this movie about sewing people to various asses because of a movie some Dutch guy made is really starting to go off the handle!

Martin shoots the fat guy while the hooker goes down on ZZ Top in the background, until ZZ Top tries to analyse him and gets a bullet to the dick for his troubles. Puts an entirely new spin on the term Heckler And Koch! Eh, eh?



Hah hah, it’s funny because this movie makes me want to shoot myself in the dick! Fucking hilarious!

Breaking The Fourth Wall, Then Stapling It To Your Ass: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part One

23 Mar

What’s that? You’re not pathologically afraid of your own rectum yet? Well, you shouldn’t have said that in front of me (or… ever, for that matter), because we’re reviewing The Human Centipede 2, you poor, poor bastards!

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Of your butt.

Yes, we’re back to the legendarily squicky Human Centipede, directed by Tom Six, the sixth in a long line of clones designed solely to direct squicky movies! When I reviewed the first one, I decided that, despite it’s reputation, it was still well put together and presented! And, of course, you fuckers came out of the woodwork to tell me that the second one is a billion times more disturbing and I have to review it. Because apparently you hate me, personally.


The film opens with a warning about how graphic this is, as though anybody watching The Fucking Human Centipede wouldn’t know, and we cut to the last scene of the first movie. Oh, and it’s all in black and white, because when I see a woman trapped in a bizarre monstrosity of Nazi mad science, I think, “this needs to be more pretentious”!

We zoom out, to reveal that this was all being watched by some greasy guy on his computer. Yes, that’s right, this whole movie is fucking meta: It’s about a guy who sits around and watches Human Centipede. Either this is a movie about me, or Tom Six got a little too squished on his cloning tank and thinks watching someone breaking the fourth wall, then stapling it to his ass is a good idea for a movie.

Anyway, our resident greasy guy is a security guard, watching security cameras in a parking garage when he spots a young couple screaming swear words at the top of their lungs. Ah, young love. Greasy heads over with a crowbar, but the young twerp tries to get in his face with some “yo mama” jokes, which is the code word for “please shoot me in the foot”. And yes, we get to see Greasy riddle them with bullets and beat them to death with a crowbar in full graphic detail.

… What was it you people were saying about this being graphic?

… Naaaaah.

He fetches his Toyota 1999 RapeMobile, and heads over to go fetch the bodies. He duct tapes them up and tosses them in the back of the van, and- wait, duct tape? He duct tapes the corpses? Dude, this is Human Centipede 2, not La Horde 2, I think they’re staying down.

Greasy heads back to his little security cubicle to rewatch the movie again, and pulls out his little fan book, including art work, screenshots, and pictures of the actors, before getting drawn away by somebody waving to a camera. And cue a cut to him driving down the street with his van full of corpses, including the guy waving to the camera. Well, really, buddy, when you agree to act in Human Centipede 2, I’m not sure what you expected.

Turns out, Greasy is driving down to go check out a big warehouse he wants to buy for some nefarious purpose. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “buy”? I mean, murder the owner with the power of editing. I don’t know what happened in that cut, but Beardy McLandlord is doing a passable representation of a pumpkin, halfway to becoming a jack o’ lantern.

Greasy tears down the “for lease” sign and drags his victims inside, where, despite the copious amount of bullets and head trauma, they’re all still alive! Jesus christ, are Dutch people just fucking unkillable?

… Adding that to the national superpower count!

With everyone watching, Greasy pulls out a pair of scissors and slowly cuts away all of the token girl’s clothes off, stopping only to puff on his inhaler, until he gets a call. Seems he can’t get any of the actors from the original to show up for an audition, and you know what that means: Beat one of the hostages to death with a crowbar!

I… was going to tell you to get a stress ball, actually.

With this day’s work complete, Greasy heads home to bed, where we hear… the audio of a baby crying while a gruff voice talks about how it only makes him fuck it harder.

Great, I thought this was a Human Centipede sequel, turns out I accidentally bought A Serbian Film 2, Electric Boogaloo the whole time!

An old woman comes in and and demands he gets out of bed to see the doctor, and- oh my god! That is much, much more of Greasy then we ever needed to see! My god, that is more disgusting than the fucking centipede!

After he’s done playing with his fan book, Greasy gets dressed and heads over to the living room to play with his bugs while Doctor ZZ Top stares at his ass. I… I don’t even know why I’m questioning it at this point. Oh, and Greasy takes the time to prod a centipede, because SYMBOLISMISMISMISM.

The doctor reveals that the old woman, Greasy’s mother, is worried about Greasy, because he keeps talking about making a Human Centipede with twelve people. Doctor ZZ Top, meanwhile, just says that it’s all a metaphor for dicks. No, that’s why do anything.

Turns out that Greasy’s dad sexually abused him, and his mother blames him, and the doctor keeps stroking his leg, and the dad looks like the doctor, and he got the dad thrown in prison, and Greasy might mutilate his sexual organs- oh god, stop, stop, you’re giving me too much material to work with! This is like Hitler, dressed as a clown, fucking a pie in a pie factory, owned by Jack Black!

Note to self, write that script.

Omegle And I, Star Crossed Lovers

22 Mar

I think I’m starting to get a pattern here! Horror movie horror movie horror movie, people sticking dicks in my face on Omegle.

The jury’s still out on whether or not that’s a good thing.


Talk dirty to me

God no, I hate that song.

I sell cars, toyotas! Say whatever you’ve always wanted to a car salesman

Take me now, right on this end table with cheap coffee and jammy dodgers.

The ultimate fantasy.

Thoughts on gay marriage?

Like traditional marriage, only symmetrical! It’s like fuckin’ for those with ADHD!

Would you like to play a game?

Candyland has never been more dangerous.

Tits or ass?

Truly, our question of the ages.

Finger me detailed

Allow me to answer your question with a projectile vomiting!


Have you accepted Booty as the inevitable future of your life?

I… I have found my messiah.

Just… try not to crucify this one.