A Hundred Feet Of ‘Oh God No’: The Human Centipede Review, Part One

4 Mar

You know, I was saving this for a special occasion… but screw it.

Let’s review The Human Centipede.

(And if you listen very carefully, you can hear the sounds of a thousand sphincters clenching at once.)

This guy is DEADLY at patty-cakes.

Made in 2009 by Dutch director, Tom Six, The Human Centipede quickly spun out of control, and became famous as one of the most disgusting movies of the last ten years, earning both a smattering of awards, and the contempt of everyone with working senses of decency. And really, the reason why should be obvious: Nobody likes Dutch movies!

(Buuuuuurn.)

Ahem!

Our “most disgusting film ever” opens with a slow, silent pan over a highway while the credits play in blurry vision. Over on the side of the road, a guy in a fancy suit is staring very intently a picture of… a row of dogs, all stuck ass to mouth. Well, you have to admit, when the critics said this movie sucked ass, they weren’t lying.

A truck pulls up behind him, and when the trucker heads off in to woods to write fine poetry, or whatever else truckers do when they toddle off in to the woods with a roll of newspaper, the creepy guy gets up and stuffs a shotgun in his flasher jacket. Way to ruin my “do you have a shotgun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me” bit! Gosh, you know, rapey ass fetishists are so inconsiderate nowadays!

After he takes aim at the poor redshirt, we cut to a couple of tourists calling up for directions over the phone. “Why, hello, 999-DIAL-A-MURDER, do you know the quickest way to get our dumbasses lost and killed?”

“Just take a left as 463 Stab You In The Taint Boulevard, ma’am.”

“Whoever named the streets in this town is a real fucker, ma’am.”

With nary a moment of characterization between these two, we just cut over to them getting their dumb asses lost in the woods! Aaaaaand cue blown-out tire in three, two, one…

*PFFFFF*

Damn, am I good, or am I good?

They try to call for help, like two dumbass tourists who’ve never stepped three feet out of a cell phone signal in their entire lives and the closest they’ve ever gotten to an extreme survival situation is when one of them forgot how to poop, and then they engage in the always classic character development tactic of Bickering! Yes, when you absolutely positively need to piss your audience off, try Bickering! Kid Tested, Mother Approved, And Erik Fucking Pissed Off!

A car rolls up, and a sweaty Dutch man rolls his window down. They ask for some help, and of course, our Dutch hero has these inspiring words to say: “I know you girls, I’ve got a horny video of you at home”.

Yes, I know it sounds bad, but “I’ve got a horny video of you at home” was actually the “You complete me” of the Netherlands!

They need more puzzle pieces, obviously.

Fortunately, our tourists have apparently never considered “learning the language of the country you’re going to”, so they also miss the rest of this guys’ bushels of wisdom, including “You’re always wet between your legs, right?”, and of course, “I’ll fuck you good and hard, would you like that?”. Either they borrowed this guy off the set of I Spit On Your Grave, Part Oh God We Don’t Even Care Any More, or they’ve found the Dutch equivalent of a Penthouse letter.

They check his subtitles finally, and when they realize what he’s been saying, they roll up their windows and engage in the “pretend the rapist isn’t real and he’ll go away” strategy. Which, after he’s done practising cunnilingus in mid-air (because although they may not speak Dutch, they certainly speak ‘Sub-Par Oral Sex’), the strategy actually works! Yes, as it turns out, the rapist was in you the whole time.

… Don’t try and think about that too much.

They wander through the woods, and engage in everyone’s favourite past time… BICKERING! Yes, it’s America’s favourite gameshow, where no matter who wins, we all fucking lose.

They spy a house in the dark, and despite the rain that just… came the fuck out of nowhere, they make it to the house! Even passing a grave, marking “my three-dog”. My god! He killed the radio announcer from Fallout 3!

I can NOT be the only one who remembers this guy.

And who happens to answer the door? Why, it’s Creepy McRapist from the beginning! You remember, the guy who shot the trucker? He’s so creepy, that he takes the time to remove the doorknob after he lets them in, and he has a big painting of two fetuses in his living room! Annnnd really? You two are seriously not running at this point? He could not be more obviously crazy if he had a snake wrapped around his wang and demanded that everyone call him “Duchess”!

Duchess goes to call the car company for the girls as he makes them drinks, and takes the time to add a good dose of Mentos- er, I mean, ‘drugs’, to each of them. And, naturally, two grown women in a strange house who were threatened by a rapist not ten minutes don’t even blink at a strange man offering them drinks! OUR PROTAGONISTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

One of the tourists (I really ought to name them, huh) accidentally spills her drink, which sends Duchess off in to a Dutch fury, so he storms downstairs to go examine his corpses. You know, some men have a stress ball, some men has porn, and apparently this man has a collection of cadavers! Dude, maybe get a less psychotic hobby? Like stamp collecting- okay, bad example.

The duo start trying to plan they great escape, but they get distracted midway through and apparently just decide to put the whole thing on hiatus. And when Duchess comes back up to give them a remarkably corpsey towel, he refuses to let them use the phone again! Gasp! Diabolical!

One of them finally dozes off, and Duchess admits to giving her “the rape drug”. And, of course, continues with a running advertisement for it! “Roofies! It slices, it dices, it’ll knock a full grown woman out in just under five minutes! Order now, your penis won’t regret it, and if you buy our new deluxe package, it’ll come with a syringe full of ‘Fucked If I Know’, absolutely free!”

Annnnd now I have “rape drug” in my search history. Fuck you too, Human Centipede!

The other tourist tries to run, but unfortunately for her, she’s on the set of The Human Centipede, where NONE SHALL ESCAPE, and Duchess grabs her and injects her with the syringe. Oh yeah, that’s healthy.

“Dosage size? What’s that? Nah, just inject corpse juice in her head, that’s how real doctors do it. ‘First Do No Harm’? Nah, it’s ‘First Do No Consent’!”

5 Responses to “A Hundred Feet Of ‘Oh God No’: The Human Centipede Review, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley March 6, 2014 at 11:28 pm #

    Jesus… you’ve actually gone and done it. Just when I thought this site couldn’t possibly get any… better… you go ahead and do something even more awesome!

    No…. No, I’m kidding. Not awesome! How could you!?

    I promise myself a lot of things. Most times I’m only lying, but one of the more ‘promise-y’ things I promised myself was that I would never, ever, EVER, take part in watching, reading about, or even guessing at, what the hell The Human Centipede contained. Sure, some details got through, due to popular culture and curiosity, but I held steadfast.

    Now you’ve ruined that for me….

    • averystrangeplace March 6, 2014 at 11:38 pm #

      Oh, you think it gets bad HERE? Check out part three (which I uploaded… literally five seconds ago) for the… climax? I know that’s the right word, but it just feels… wrong in the context of this movie.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Bite My Slimy Metal Ass: The Human Centipede Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 5, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Human Centipede: Two tourists, lost in the deep backwoods of the Netherlands, end up finding the home of Duchess Von Rapey, and unfortunately for them and everyone else who appreciates the sanctity of a good ass, he hits them with “the rape drug”, which he presumably keeps in his candy bowl for just such an occasion. […]

  2. Stuck In The Middle With Poo: The Human Centipede Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 6, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Human Centipede: Duchess Von Nazistein has gathered together an assembly of tourists, and sewn them all together, ass to mouth. Then, he decided to train them like a dog, take pictures of them, and beat them with a riding crop, because insanity just isn’t a colourful enough word for what this guy has. Psycho-podelia-banana-ramma-ism? Just spit ballin’ here. […]

  3. Breaking The Fourth Wall, Then Stapling It To Your Ass: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part One | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 23, 2014

    […] we’re back to the legendarily squicky Human Centipede, directed by Tom Six, the sixth in a long line of […]

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