Bite My Slimy Metal Ass: The Human Centipede Review, Part Two

5 Mar

What’s that? You didn’t want to come back to watch me talk about eating ass for 1000 words? WELL TOO BAD I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.

… Oh, what am I talking about, I don’t want to do this. Anyone want my job? Anyone? The pay’s good, and- okay, the pay’s crap, but the fans are- wait, I don’t have any fans.

Hrm.

Okay, lemme rephrase that: Take this job before I kill again.

“Their flesh is his fantasy”? God, you must have the WEIRDEST porn.

Previously, on The Human Centipede: Two tourists, lost in the deep backwoods of the Netherlands, end up finding the home of Duchess Von Rapey, and unfortunately for them and everyone else who appreciates the sanctity of a good ass, he hits them with “the rape drug”, which he presumably keeps in his candy bowl for just such an occasion.

Ahem!

The next morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and Duchess is eating a breakfast of something yellow while tearing up the tourists’ identification papers. Yeah, spoiler alert, his “fantasy” isn’t actually their flesh, it’s the joy of tearing up stationary. “None may know my dark secrets!”

Down in the Medical Wing of Duchess’s house (… Why does his house even come with that?), the tourists and the trucker from before wake up, zip-tied to medical gurneys. And yeah, they start screaming and struggling and trying to get free. Oh, boo hoo, so you woke up tied to beds in the basement of the rapiest man in the Netherlands, we’ve all got problems! I have to watching The Human Fucking Centipede!

Duchess injects the trucker with a syringe full of “shut the fuck up”, and we cut to him burying the corpse in his garden. Oooh, I think that means that he’ll grow up nice and tall, in to a big trucker tree! It’s where we get little truckers, as I understand.

We cut to Duchess pulling up outside his house, totting another unconscious guy in one arm and his tranq gun in the other. INCONSPICUOUS LEVEL: MASTER. Duchess zip-ties him to yet another gurney, and makes sure to slap each and every one of them, just to make sure they’re paying attention!

Wow.

What a dick.

(And while all that’s going on, the Japanese man is trying to tear out of bed, which yelling about how “The Japanese possess unbelieveable strength when backed into a corner”. Yeah, we’re adding that to the “Nationality Superpowers” list.)

The new A-Team.

And while he’s very hastily disproving his “incredibly strength”, Duchess is getting dressed up in his Dr. Insano cosplay in the next room. He pulls out a big Powerpoint, and starts explaining how he’s a Nazi scientist who specialized in turning humans in to Human Centipedes!

… Why did the Nazis learn how to do that? Did that come up a lot? “Oh no, that spy isn’t talking! Quick, sew his ass to my mouth!”

“… Are you really sure that’s going to help?”

“SHUT UP I’M THE DOCTOR HERE.”

He explains the procedure in very specific terms, presumably in case anyone in the audience wanted to make their own little centipede at home, and while that happens, Japanese guy just starts freaking the fuck out. Oh, come on, dude, if you don’t like the lecture, don’t sign up for the class!

The next day, Duchess is injecting everyone with some more specially prepared vials of “fucked if I know”, and while that happens, one of the tourists finally realizes, “Hey, I should probably escape!”. NICE WORK ON THE UPDATE, LADY. She manages to untie her restraints with her teeth and dash off, forgetting to unhook her IV and leaving a massive gash down the side of her arm. Oh, that’s not a problem, blood isn’t necessary, right?

… Right?

Either way, you’re staining the upholstery.

Drippy, the blood soaked one, finds out that all the doorknobs out are gone, so instead, she decides to lock the door in the bedroom and pretend that Duchess isn’t there. Sorry, Drippy, but he’s not a rapist, per se, so that’s not going to work.

He threatens some… very lovely things through the locked door, and when that doesn’t convince her, he decides to go with the more reasonably tactic of “I have a fucking gun”. He pops around to the window and starts smashing it down with the butt of the gun, giving her plenty of time to… just leave again! Oh my god, dude, you suck at this. 

She accidentally finds the pool- wait, this guy has a pool? Wow, a morgue, medical wing, pool- his house is nicer than mine! Who knew their was such a luxurious career in Nazi butt-fuckery? Anyway, with her floating in the pool, Duchess decides that this is the perfect time to tell her that she’s getting stuck in the middle of the Human Centipede, with her mouth sewn on to one person’s ass, while simultaneously having her ass sewn to someone else’s face, which means that this is officially the worst Stealers Wheel reference ever.

After this little heart to heart, Duchess activates the pool cover, and with the choice between coming out and getting far more intimate with her friend then she ever intended, she decides to drown herself!

… Which is exactly when the power cuts out.

Wow, this service is terrible! It’s the second worst Nazi torture camp I’ve ever seen.

(The first, of course, being The Day The Clown Cried.)

Once Duchess runs off to go fix it, Drippy decides to go and try and drag her friend, Limpy, out to safety. And despite some problems with making too much noise, and the fact that she has to drag her through broken glass, it actually goes alright!

Wait, did I say “alright”? I meant, Duchess tranqs her the second she steps out of the house.

Wah wah waaaah.

And cut to the operating room, where Meredith Grey has her arm lodged up a patient’s ass to stop the bomb from going off and killing her pregnant boss and- wait, no, that’s that one episode of Greys Anatomy. Don’t worry, it’s nothing that bad, just Duchess performing the experiment, and then waiting around anxiously to see if it’s a success! Well, admittedly, this is something Mengele would have to vomit at, but on the bright side, at least he’s dedicated to his job! Gotta love a man who loves his work, my mom always says.

Even if THIS is his work.

While he tries to relax with a drink in his living room, he naturally keeps the newly formed centipede by his side at all times, like any man and his mishappen creature of nightmares (or, like, a dog, I guess), but he decides he has to wake the trio up for a photo shoot. “And pose! And pose! And pose! And work those ass muscles! No, not your ass muscles.”

They start screaming, he starts laughing, he parades around with a mirror, you know, just what you’d expect at a newborn. We cut to later that night, where it turns out that he locks them in a cage at night! You know, I have to wonder… do you think the actors got close? Do you think it gets awkward when they meet up for coffee, or maybe for a cast party? “Oh, hey, Lindsey! Remember me? You ate my ass for two months!”

“You need to be way more specific then that.”

The next day, he has the Centipede out on the front lawn… trying to train them to bring the newspaper to him?

Not a thing I expected to see in my career as a film critic, I have to admit.

“Excellent! Now, give me a horsie ride!”

He even goes so far as to feed them from a bowl at his feet, but Japanese guy (he’s at the front) doesn’t take kindly to this, and starts biting him. In retaliation, Duchess starts beating him! So… does this count as assault, or animal abuse?

The training intensifies the next day, with Duchess bringing leather boots and a riding crop and challenging “Mr. Kamikaze” (as he calls him), to bite him. But the Centipede… just starts leaving! “Yeah, fuck you, old man, I’m going to go find my own Nazi hellholes! With blackjack! And hookers! And better food dishes!”

Before they can make it too far, Mr. Kamikaze… finally starts shitting! Directly down Drippy’s throat! You know, that… really takes the bite out of any particular “badassary” you were trying to get across, Kamikaze.

After a brief sleepless night, we cut to the Centipede trying to escape while Duchess swims, which amuses him so much, he even allows! Well. Allows… until he gets bored, then he stars going at them with the riding crop! Which is… off screen?! Aww, you totally missed out on the “watching grotesque mockeries of man and nature getting beaten with leather” market!

… Oh, don’t even lie, you know that’s a market.

And no, I’m not including a picture of that! You sick fuck! I love you!

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2 Responses to “Bite My Slimy Metal Ass: The Human Centipede Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Stuck In The Middle With Poo: The Human Centipede Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 6, 2014

    […] on The Human Centipede: Duchess Von Nazistein has gathered together an assembly of tourists, and sewn them all together, […]

  2. Breaking The Fourth Wall, Then Stapling It To Your Ass: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part One | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 23, 2014

    […] we’re back to the legendarily squicky Human Centipede, directed by Tom Six, the sixth in a long line of clones […]

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