Stuck In The Middle With Poo: The Human Centipede Review, Part Three

6 Mar

That’s right, just when you thought it was safe to maintain an erection, The Human Centipede is back for the final instalment! Not to be confused by the Human Syntax-pede, of course, which is when you sew a bunch of English teachers together.

A piggy-back ride gone terribly wrong.

Previously, on The Human CentipedeDuchess Von Nazistein has gathered together an assembly of tourists, and sewn them all together, ass to mouth. Then, he decided to train them like a dog, take pictures of them, and beat them with a riding crop, because insanity just isn’t a colourful enough word for what this guy has. Psycho-podelia-banana-ramma-ism? Just spit ballin’ here.

Ahem!

The next day, it’s time for the Centipede’s check-up! The front guy is doing fine, the middle girl apparently has constipation (geez, maybe you’re not eating right oh wait), but the last one is dying. So, while Duchess starts wondering about replacing her, the phone rings… and it’s the cops!

Well.

This is awkward.

“Um, hi, can you call back later? My totally normal and not insane at all hobby is spraying pus all over the place.”

HELP US! OH GOD, HELP US!”

“Oh, that? Don’t worry about that, it’s just a very new See-&-Say, comes with the ‘Mutilated Captive’ option.”

“And the cow says: ‘THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE’.”

Duchess leaves the Centipede in the basement and runs off to get out of his “Nazi scientist” outfit, and then lets the cops in, while in the basement, the Centipede screams it’s head off. Well. To be precise, the front guy screams his head off, the other too just… murmur. “Sorry, I’d speak up, but my mom always taught me to never speak with a mouth full of ass.”

Turns out, with all the missing people, these two detectives had to notice something eventually, and the guy with paintings of fetuses around his house, along with a cage in the corner, was probably the prime suspect. I really have to wonder, who else was on their list of suspects that they’re just bothering him now? Is the Netherlands so full of rapists that they have a fucking phone book full of them?

With all the evidence, such as Duchess’s car being spotted around, and a witness hearing a scream, and that fucking cage, Duchess can only have on response: “Would you gentlemen like a nice roofie colada?”. But, while one of them is dumb enough to drink “the rape drug”, the other one just swats it out of the air. Although, to be fair, the fact that Duchess was screaming at him to drink it probably didn’t help. YOU ARE TRULY A MASTER OF SUBTLETY.

He tries to just gloss over his batshit insanity and runs off to fetch a “towel”, and by towel, I of course mean, some more vials of “fucked if I know”! Duchess stops to let them know how he’s getting rid of the one on the end and replacing her with the two cops, with all the glee of a kid in a candy store, and it’s not until this that the Centipede finally realizes, “hey, why aren’t we trying to escape?”. Of course, actually just trying to flee would be kind of stupid, so instead, they grab a scalpel. Oh god, please tell me this is leading up to a Centipede Versus Nazi knife fight, because it would be SO WORTH IT.

“Two men enter, one with two people strapped to his ass, and one/and or more people leave!”

Up with the cops, things start getting tense as they demand to see the rest of the house, and Duchess steadfastly refuses. Of course, his argument of “I’m not doing anything shady here” is kind of ruined… when he drops his syringe halfway through.

Dude. You are the WORST Nazi.

He passes this off as insulin, which the cops fortunately accept, because they’re fucking dumbasses, and they toddle off to go get a search warrant. And like before, the good doctor need to unwind with his collection… except they’re not there any more. Dammit, if a man can’t rely on the simple pleasures of fondling a corpse, what can he rely on in life?!

Duchess starts the search for them… which lasts all of two seconds before he rounds the corner and gets a scalpel to the leg, followed by a swift mauling. Yes, literally, the Japanese guy literally chews his ear off and takes a bite out of his neck, because when you’re reduced to a horrible abomination in both the physical and sexual sense, you have to make your own fun!

The Centipede begins their escape, which goes well… until they have to climb up the spiral staircase. God, I can’t get up those things in the best of circumstances, never mind during annilingus. It’s a tough struggle, filled with the tearing of stitches and the splattering of blood, until they finally manage to get to the top. Duchess is right behind them, but he’s distracted by licking up the blood they’re leaving behind and getting off on it wait what.

What was stopping you from doing that before?

Dude, if you have a fetish like that, this exact scenario will never happen again. Live it up!

The Centipede heads for the window at the middle one’s behest, but once they find it’s been replaced, they grab a lamp for way to smash it open. And meanwhile, we have… one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen: A horror movie fight scene between a Human Centipede armed with a shard of glass, and a crippled Nazi scientist, quoting scripture at them. I… you know, this is the kind of scenario that I really have to savour.

But, as if the weirdness scale hasn’t been broken enough, the Japanese guy starts worshipping Duchess as god, before talking about how insane this world is… and then slitting his own throat.

… And then, the cops come back.

… You know, Duchess, you are having just one hell of a day.

Duchess locks the two remaining segments of the Centipede in to the bedroom, crawls in to the pool room, laughing all the while, until the cops break in and start searching the place. They find the Centipede, and the medical dorm, but Duchess manages to kill one and steal his gun, shooting the other one… but fortunately for fans of karma, he takes the time to cap Duchess before the end!

A moment of silence, for insane Nazi fucker lost.

Back with the Centipede, the one on the end finally expires, leaving the middle one as the only survivor. Ah, yes, she is no longer Stuck In The Middle With Poo. “Suicides to the front of me, corpses from behind, here I am, stuck in the middle with poo!”

(Oh god, I am going to hell for that one.)

So, that was The Human Centipede! How was it?

Pretty good!

What? Why are you all looking at me like that?

The Human Centipede is almost a classic exploitation film, and it handles it’s exploitation quite well! The effects are good, the cinematography was memorable, the acting is solid and manages to get a lot across in their little touches of humanity! Hell, if I have any complaints about it, it’s that it’s not as shocking as it’s reputation insists! There’s no fecal matter, very little gore, in fact, all of the horror is psychological, or simply implied! If you’re looking for something gross, this is a freaking masterclass!

And on the bright side, it means I never have to spotlight something like The Human Centipede ever again!

[Editor’s Note: What about the sequel, the one with a 12 person long centipede?]

La la la la! Can’t hear you!

[Editor’s Note: And what about the third one they’re making, that supposedly has a 500 person centipede?]

La la la la la la la!

[Editor’s Note: And what about the porn parody?]

LA LA L- wait. That’s a real thing?

[Editor’s Note: Yep. “The Human Sexipede”.]

… Fuck.

 

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Stuck In The Middle With Poo: The Human Centipede Review, Part Three”

  1. Tim Hurley March 7, 2014 at 12:03 am #

    Oh man, that title….

    Well, I broke another promise to myself. Won’t be the last. But, if it had to be done, at least I had your wit to see me through it. So, thanks?

    And, without using the internet to confirm these suspicions, if there’s a sequel (and a sequel to the sequel) to this, I have officially hit rock bottom in terms of my faith in humanity. Damn, this is a sad day.

    • averystrangeplace March 7, 2014 at 7:25 am #

      According to an interview with Tom Six (who I assume is a series of clones, along with Toms One through Five, designed for the sole purpose of making these movies), the third one will not only feature 500 people in the Human Centipede, but THAT ONE will be the one to “offend people”. Not this one, or the second one, or even the porn parody, the third one is going to be the most offensive of them all.

      I guess what I’m trying to say is, you think THIS ruined your faith in humanity? We ain’t seen NOTHING yet.

    • Tim Hurley March 7, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

      We are living in the End Times. No further proof needed.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Breaking The Fourth Wall, Then Stapling It To Your Ass: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part One | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 23, 2014

    […] we’re back to the legendarily squicky Human Centipede, directed by Tom Six, the sixth in a long line of clones designed solely to […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: