He’s A Maniac, Maniac, That’s For Sure: Maniac Review, Part One

10 Mar

Hey, everybody, have you met my good friend “IFC Films” before?

*twitch, twitch*

We’re reeeeeeeeal good friends…

We’re… we’re knife friends…

See, IFC here are the guys who released all three Human Centipedes, as well as the classic Dead Snow, and ATM, Grabbers, and We Are What We Are, making it the proud producer of “Films I Hope To Review Once They End Up On Netflix Because I’m Too Lazy To Find Them Any Other Ways”!

And that’s where today’s film comes in, yet another of their opus: Maniac! A serial killer flick, starring Elijah Woods!

… Wait, Elijah Woods as a serial killer?

Today is going to be a very strange day.

Ahem!

After IFC proudly (?) paints it’s logo over this, we open with a P.O.V shot, as someone watches two women exit a bar apparently filled with Marilyn Mansons according to their dialogue, and one of them gets in a cab. The other one does not, in accordance to the laws of “YOU HAVE NO SURVIVAL INSTINCT”. Jesus christ, I’m surprised you made it this long on the hard streets of Rapetown, U.S.A.

Someone starts hassling her, and instead of tearing him in half with her bare hands, like I assume all twenty-somethings would in this situation, and she instead goes heading down the street. Our heavy breathing… protagonist, I guess, follows her down the street in a car, until he decides he take a detour through the credits.

After we’re done with that, filled with shots of our P.O.V protagonist checking out literally every single fucking human being in this town, he makes it to the apartment of his bar hopping victim. He cuts the wires, and stalks her from behind in the dark, for a good five minutes. Lady, he sounds like a fucking air conditioner jacking off, how can you NOT notice him?

Finally, she turns around, and he commences the usual first date chat. You know how it is, he says she’s beautiful, she screams, he slits her throat- aww, true love! He hallucinates a bit, before cutting off her scalp, and… good god, was that thing actually attached? He puts one cut in her forehead, and off goes the scalp, as if he just popped her seal of freshness.

The next morning, with a mug of coffee and his collection of creepy mannequins, he checks his online dating profile, and after sending the girl in question a picture, he arranges his next “date”. Wait, did that sound creepy? No, I mean, he’s actually setting up a date.

I mean, he’s probably going to scalp her later, but that’s strictly an after dinner thing!

It goes great with the mints.

At the date, Elijah and his date, Lucy, “hit it off” (by the standards of a serial killer, of course), but halfway through the conversation, suddenly everyone in the room starts staring at him, and blood starts pouring down Lucy’s face. A common occurrence for Elijah Wood, I’m sure.

But he’s just getting slightly loopy- well, loopier than normal- so he runs in to the bathroom and takes some “stop being a fucking serial killer” pills, and the date is on again! And it apparently goes so well, that she ignores the fact that he’s a fucking serial killer and invites him up to her place for a little “recreational scalping”, as they say in the biz. And, of course, this is after seeing that his car is adorned with dismembered mannequins.

… Well, on the bright side, Lucy, when he opens your skull and pulls out your brains, you won’t even fucking notice it, huh.

At her apartment, Lucy puts on every possible sign for “shut up and boink me”, while Elijah puts on every possible sign for “I use dead babies for condoms”, until she steps out and slips in to bright pink lingerie. Heh, so I guess she was putting on something a little more comf-

“I thought I’d put on something a little more comfortable.”

You’re dead to me, movie.

THAT'S MY LINE.

THAT’S MY LINE.

I don’t know who’s being dumber here: Lucy, for not seeing that the only part of your body this guy is interested in is her scalp, or Elijah, because her scalp is the only part of her body you’re interested in?! COME ON MAN!

Once she gets her top off, there’s some rough foreplay for a bit, except that, or hey, Lucy, when the serial killer says he likes it rough, HE’S NOT BEING PLAYFUL. 

She tosses him on to the bed and starts blowing him, while he stares in to the ceiling mirror, because… that’s a thing people have right, until his serial killer part starts to win out over his horny part, and he strangles her mid-blowjob until he gets on top of her and starts choking the life out of her as he rides on top of her and she screams and moans and dies with a smile and-

Looks like this just got… DANGEROUSLY EROTIC.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

Will I ever get tired of that joke? (All signs point to no.)

Finally dead, Elijah starts beseeching… himself? His insanity? Mr. Hyde?

… The One Ring?

Anyway, he starts demanding that whoever it is leaves him just one, and in lieu of that, he knows just what will help here: SCALPING!

(That is also his solution to parking tickets, low cell reception, orcs, and erectile dysfunction.)

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3 Responses to “He’s A Maniac, Maniac, That’s For Sure: Maniac Review, Part One”

  1. Bebo March 11, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

    Scalping is a solution to erectile dysfunction? Which head are you scalping? Hehe

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. And He’s Dancing Like He’s Never Danced Before: Maniac Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 11, 2014

    […] Previously, on Maniac: Elijah Wood killed and scalped a woman. Then, he went on a date, got a blowjob, and gave her a murder and scalping in return. […]

  2. It’s A Murder Town Boy On A Saturday: Maniac Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 12, 2014

    […] Previously, on Maniac: Look, dude, it’s Maniac. Do you really think there’s a lot of plot to recap here? Elijah Wood hallucinates, macks on a French chick, scalps people, it’s an inky dinky doo dah morning, rinse and repeat. […]

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