Molesting The Corpse Of Comedy: The Starving Games Review, Part Two

14 Mar

Why the hell did I decide to review this?!

NO! NONE of the fucking laughs!

Previously, on The Starving Games: Friedberg and Seltzer tried desperately to destroy all forms of humour while I drank my way to oblivion!

Ahem!

Now that Katniss and Peeta (no, I’m not calling them by their parody names, because fuck you), Katniss says her goodbyes. Which, to be fair, goes about five seconds without making a reference. Annnnnnd cut to the President talking about celebrity guest stars and Nike. Well, great, I give you guys an inch, and you shove it up my ass.

Blah blah Oprah, blah blah flop physical humour, blah blah acronyms, and we cut over to the pre-Starving Games show, with our Oompa Loompa announcer talking to the audience composed entirely out of actors who I assume were forced in at gunpoint. Blah blah Nazis, blah blah physical humour, blah blah actually parodying the plot of the movie- END! FUCKING END! WHY WON’T THIS MOVIE FUCKING END?!

[Editor’s Note: Dude, it’s only, like, 15 minutes in.]

ARRRRRRRGH!

This movie is going to kill me.

This fucking movie.

Anyway, Peeta goes on stage and lets the world know that he secretly wants one of the other tributes to play with his breadstick, so to speak, so cue unfunny physical humour as Katniss beats him up, and it’s Katniss’s turn on stage. So cue random video of her life in District 12, even though that never happened in the movie, annnnnd physical humour, reference joke, toilet humour. It’s completely unfunny, and in other news, water is wet and the sky is blue.

Katniss goes on stage, and her dress lights on fire, because NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER MADE THAT FUCKING JOKE EVER. HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAHQUIOFSAUFDFIOSNDKOVCJ SO FUNNY.

Reference joke of sports announcer, reference joke of Siri, reference joke of McDonalds, I take up fucking self harm, and the games begin. Oh, but not before an LMFAO reference- wait, an LMFAO reference?! This came out last year, those fuckers haven’t been relevant since before I took up masturbating!

Finally, the game begins, and it’s just as poorly shot as in the actual movie, only with the addition of a man killed via wedgie. Because this movie hates you specifically, that’s why. Katniss takes the backpack and runs, and count yourself lucky that you didn’t have to sit through the ungodly physical humour, bad special effects, and ball jokes that Idiocracy would be embarrassed over.

Katniss flees in to the woods, and we cut to the unfunny sports parody at District 12, but I guess specifying “unfunny” is pretty fucking redundant! Siri calls down a hoard of CGI fire down on to Katniss until Katniss defeats it with a random fire extinguisher, and it just occurred to me that that is a sentence that exists. I had to fucking SAY THAT.

Oh, and then Siri sends an attack by Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja, Annoying Orange and Quentin Tarantino references.

Anybody else want this job?

Noooobody knows… the trouble I’ve seeeeen…

Reference joke reference joke reference joke, and we cut to Katniss fleeing through the woods from the other tributes, until she finds a tree with a ladder on it and climbs up, only for the tributes to find a piñata in the same tree and smash it open to eat candy before killing Katniss and I OFFICIALLY DON’T FUCKING CARE ANY MORE.

Just before Katniss gets shot at, a streaker runs across the game because just destroying comedy isn’t enough, they have to destroy any chance of me ever maintaining an erection again, and one of the tributes gets impaled, so that obviously means Metlife reference! Because it was 2013, and I guess you just kind of had to be there.

The tributes decide to wait Katniss out, and then more unfunny toilet humour, and then Rue, another tribute in a nearby tree, points out the wasp nest. So Katniss gets out the chainsaw, gets it caught on her head, falls on one of the tributes and- you know what, no.

I quit.

Find someone else to do this crap, I’m going on vacation.

[Editor’s Note: Wait, you can’t just-]

Fuck that! See you in a month!

They caught up with me outside of Molossia.

Can I actually seek political sanctuary from a bad movie? Screw it, I’m doing it.

Anyway, long story short, Katniss gets stung and hallucinates. Reference joke reference joke reference joke reference joke, which for some reason veers in to an unfunny Avatar parody. Oh great, this actress had to spend 6 hours in a make-up call just for you to be fucking irrelevant, I hope you feel fucking proud of yourself.

James Cameron shows up, throws money at them, Katniss tries to fuck Rue because hah hah statutory rape, Rue beats Katniss for a while, until the rest of the tributes show up and start chasing them. Hmm, how will she escape? Sherlock Holmes reference, obviously!

God… I could be watching Human Centipede 2 right now… why am I not watching Human Centipede 2 right now?!

Oh, and it ends with Katniss shoving one of them in to her cleavage, because you’ve insulted literally everyone with a fucking brain cell, why not tear down women’s rights too?! Anyway, the half-time game is called, and just in case you thought I was being hyperbolic, we get wet cheerleaders dancing and rubbing their cleavage. I don’t know what’s worse, how insanely sexist this all is… or how it’s not even a little sexy?!

Quick recap of all of the worst parts of the movie so far, because if you didn’t hate them the first time, THEY’RE MAKING SURE YOU WILL NOW! Annnnnd reference reference reference reference reference ball joke racism racism reference reference racism annnnnd the game is on again! Unless, of course, you decided to flee the film when you had the chance. In which case… you’re a smarter man than I.

One of the tributes goes to stab Katniss, but after a tussle, Rue ends up thrown against a tree, and a Taylor Swift reference, Gangnam Style reference, and Starbucks reference, just to make sure that the death of child isn’t the most annoying thing in this scene. Hah hah hah, it’s funny, because it’s a dead 12 year old! So fucking funny!

Pictured: This movie.

Anyway, we cut to the President talking about lesbianism, because the goal of this movie is to make me ashamed to have a penis, back with Katniss, she hears that there’s a rule change and now she has to team up with Peeta, which everybody except Tumblr is against. (Hah hah, I’m just kidding! I don’t use Tumblr!)

[Editor’s Note: Wait, don’t you HAVE a tumblr account-]

ANYWAY BACK TO THE RAPING OF COMEDY.

Katniss wanders through the forest and finds Peeta baked in a giant cake, (Okay, fine, that made me smirk.) before smacking the grotesque oozing wounds on his back. Hah hah, it’s funny because he has a lethal blood infection!

Hah. Hah. Hah.

They hide in a cave, and are kept warm with the power of reference jokes while Peeta explains how much of a stalker he is. Oh, come on, Peeta from the books would NEVER make hair dolls of Katniss! He’s way too bland for that!

Peeta. I assume.

Katniss kisses Peeta on the cheek, which is just as awkward as in the book, and they get soup in return. So, ergo, kisses equal soup, so they decide banging must equal medicine! Hah hah hah, jokes about broadcasting child pornography across the country! Then Gandalf and the cast of The Hobbit show up and start fondling them.

No joke here, it’s just something that happens.

Katniss and Peeta start going at it, which, yes, considering how old these characters are supposed to be, I’m currently watching two teenagers fuck! Good god, is this a Hunger Games parody, or a fucking Serbian Film?!

The next morning, Katniss and Peeta head off to kill the last tribute, while an enraged Gale breaks in to the “Starving Games”. You… have completely forgot that you’re supposed to be a parody of The Hunger Games, huh.

Annnnnd then the Expendables show up.

THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING PIECE OF- 

Fortunately, Gale has a machine gun now for… some reason, and guns down the cast of the Expendables before Katniss kicks him out, and the last tribute holds a knife to Peeta’s head. So, Katniss… fires a baguette at him?

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE-

[Editor’s Note: Are you okay?]

… NO!

The last tribute’s dead, Katniss takes out Peeta, everyone celebrates, the Avengers show up (I DON’T EVEN FUCKING- look, just get through this, just fucking get through this) to offer her a place on the team, they yell at Hawkeye, they all explode, they play a fake blooper reel, AND WE’RE FUCKING OUT!

OKAY!

GOOD!

IT’S OVER!

HOW WAS IT?

FUCKING UNWATCHABLE!

A ZERO PERCENT SCORE WAS BEING GENEROUS!

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One Response to “Molesting The Corpse Of Comedy: The Starving Games Review, Part Two”

  1. Tim Hurley March 16, 2014 at 1:45 pm #

    Oi, that sounds painful. In fact, I’D rather have you watch Human Centipede 2, and you know it’s fucked up if I say something like that.

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