If Moonshine Don’t Kill Me, I’ll Live Till I Die: Grabbers Review, Part Four

21 Mar

Let’s finish off Grabbers, before the vast well of Irish stereotypes run dry!

(Spoiler Warning: The only reason I’m spending so long on this one movie is because I fucking love this movie.)

Take it? Then what will I drink later?!

Previously, on GrabbersWith the drunken revellers of Erin Island on one side and a tentacled mass of “I don’t want to know what” on the other, our heroes have only one option. Namely, getting utterly smashed!


The crew all gather weapons and take up watch points while the party continues inside the pub. Well. Most of them take up watch points. Well. Doctor Nicholas Cage does, anyway! Officer Jagger and Lisa Cute are discussing their feelings in the middle of a cop car, while everyone else tries to wheedle more booze. OUR PROTAGONISTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Lisa tries to come on to Jagger, but unlike most horror movie protagonists, he’s actually a likeable character, so he decides not to take advantage of her! Damn, if this was any other horror movie, he’d already have taken her aside, pulled down her britches, and recreated the classic Stallone movie, F.I.S.T!

[Editor’s Note: Jesus CHRIST, man, I don’t even have a vagina and that makes my vagina hurt!]

The duo bond some more as they talk about Jagger’s ex-wife (yeah, turns out he’s a divorcee, not a widower), while Doctor Cage, who went outside to water the ferns, finds a whole mob of tiny baby Grabbers. My god, tiny pulsating dicks with vaginas for heads, Freud would have a field day.

… I feel really bad about that “F.I.S.T.” joke now.

Jagger and Lisa beat the little buggers away from Doctor Cage, intercut with the revellers inside, until the big Grabber rolls over, grabs Cage, and sticks him straight up it’s throat/vagina. So, how do our heroes react?

“… Fuck that!”

*run run run run*

… I love this movie.

They hide in the police car as the Grabber beats down on it, but despite Lisa attempting to arrest it, it keeps at it. Fortunately, it apparently has ADHD, because it gets distracted by the flashing siren lights! Apparently it didn’t come from a very shiny world.

The Barkeep opens the door, and the duo escape inside, and try to barricade the door. Unfortunately, the fact that Lisa is wasted, the Barkeep is preoccupied trying to kill it with a water gun, and Russell Tovey got in to the Irish moonshine, this is the worst defensive front since I raided that pre-teen slumber party.

Turns out, a water pistol doesn’t make for a very effective flame thrower, so the Barkeep dashes back inside, and they try to convince the party to go upstairs. That, of course, ends with mass panic, a bar fight, and the death of Russell Tovey, so you can see how well that went. To be fair, the fact that they ran out of alcohol probably contributed to some, if not all of that.

Barely a fraction of an Irish bar. I assume.

See, Russell Tovey wanted to go see the Grabber in person, figuring that he was safe because his blood alcohol level is officially jet fuel, but just because the thing won’t eat him, it doesn’t mean the Grabber won’t smack him in to the horizon, Team Rocket style!

The panicking party is led upstairs as the little Grabbers burst in the door, as the most horrific army of cuddly abominations ever. Oh my GOD, I want to pet one and squeeze one and call it George! They barricade upstairs and figure they’ll just wait for the Grabber to get bored and walk away. And seeing as it soon starts humping the bar, I’d say it’s working, presuming it acts like your standard teenager.

With everyone sobering up, the team has to come up with a new plan, and drunken Lisa is happy to oblige: This thing needs either water or blood to survive, and if keeping it from blood isn’t working, then they have to fetch some construction equipment and keep it away from water! My, what a dangerous plan, someone is sure to be killed! Lisa? You’re in charge.

She takes the nail gun and heads downstairs to fetch the car keys, and starts kicking the little thing’s asses as they make a mess of the bar. Oh, and because I didn’t make this joke earlier?

You’re welcome.

Lisa gets in a fight with the big Grabber, and during it, she ends up killing the power and lighting the whole bar on fire. OUR PROTAGONISTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. She drives the truck outside the window as Jagger tries to escape and lead the Grabber away, and she picks him up and drives to the construction site, with the Grabber in hot pursuit- wait, is that seriously how it gets around? It fucking rolls?! I keep expecting the Katamari Damancy theme to start up!

Once they have the Grabber cornered in the construction yard, they procede to kick it’s alien ass three ways from Sunday: Push it off a cliff with a bulldozer, blow it up with a flare gun, and force feed it Irish moonshine! My god, NOBODY could survive that!

… The moonshine, it means.

With the monster thoroughly killed, we get our happy ending: The pub survived the fire fine, everyone at the party survived, Officer Jagger and Lisa Cute decide to fuck each other’s brains out, cue spooky shot of more Grabber eggs, and we’re done!

So! That was Grabbers! How was it?

Fucking amazing.

Seriously, this movie rocks, it’s like if Tremors and Hot Fuzz had a baby! A witty script, hilarious characters and yet a scary villain, great effects, and- and- and-

I just realized, if I was so positive about this movie, that means I’m going to have to be fucking miserable about the next one, right?


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