Breaking The Fourth Wall, Then Stapling It To Your Ass: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part One

23 Mar

What’s that? You’re not pathologically afraid of your own rectum yet? Well, you shouldn’t have said that in front of me (or… ever, for that matter), because we’re reviewing The Human Centipede 2, you poor, poor bastards!

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Of your butt.

Yes, we’re back to the legendarily squicky Human Centipede, directed by Tom Six, the sixth in a long line of clones designed solely to direct squicky movies! When I reviewed the first one, I decided that, despite it’s reputation, it was still well put together and presented! And, of course, you fuckers came out of the woodwork to tell me that the second one is a billion times more disturbing and I have to review it. Because apparently you hate me, personally.

Ahem!

The film opens with a warning about how graphic this is, as though anybody watching The Fucking Human Centipede wouldn’t know, and we cut to the last scene of the first movie. Oh, and it’s all in black and white, because when I see a woman trapped in a bizarre monstrosity of Nazi mad science, I think, “this needs to be more pretentious”!

We zoom out, to reveal that this was all being watched by some greasy guy on his computer. Yes, that’s right, this whole movie is fucking meta: It’s about a guy who sits around and watches Human Centipede. Either this is a movie about me, or Tom Six got a little too squished on his cloning tank and thinks watching someone breaking the fourth wall, then stapling it to his ass is a good idea for a movie.

Anyway, our resident greasy guy is a security guard, watching security cameras in a parking garage when he spots a young couple screaming swear words at the top of their lungs. Ah, young love. Greasy heads over with a crowbar, but the young twerp tries to get in his face with some “yo mama” jokes, which is the code word for “please shoot me in the foot”. And yes, we get to see Greasy riddle them with bullets and beat them to death with a crowbar in full graphic detail.

… What was it you people were saying about this being graphic?

… Naaaaah.

He fetches his Toyota 1999 RapeMobile, and heads over to go fetch the bodies. He duct tapes them up and tosses them in the back of the van, and- wait, duct tape? He duct tapes the corpses? Dude, this is Human Centipede 2, not La Horde 2, I think they’re staying down.

Greasy heads back to his little security cubicle to rewatch the movie again, and pulls out his little fan book, including art work, screenshots, and pictures of the actors, before getting drawn away by somebody waving to a camera. And cue a cut to him driving down the street with his van full of corpses, including the guy waving to the camera. Well, really, buddy, when you agree to act in Human Centipede 2, I’m not sure what you expected.

Turns out, Greasy is driving down to go check out a big warehouse he wants to buy for some nefarious purpose. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “buy”? I mean, murder the owner with the power of editing. I don’t know what happened in that cut, but Beardy McLandlord is doing a passable representation of a pumpkin, halfway to becoming a jack o’ lantern.

Greasy tears down the “for lease” sign and drags his victims inside, where, despite the copious amount of bullets and head trauma, they’re all still alive! Jesus christ, are Dutch people just fucking unkillable?

… Adding that to the national superpower count!

With everyone watching, Greasy pulls out a pair of scissors and slowly cuts away all of the token girl’s clothes off, stopping only to puff on his inhaler, until he gets a call. Seems he can’t get any of the actors from the original to show up for an audition, and you know what that means: Beat one of the hostages to death with a crowbar!

I… was going to tell you to get a stress ball, actually.

With this day’s work complete, Greasy heads home to bed, where we hear… the audio of a baby crying while a gruff voice talks about how it only makes him fuck it harder.

Great, I thought this was a Human Centipede sequel, turns out I accidentally bought A Serbian Film 2, Electric Boogaloo the whole time!

An old woman comes in and and demands he gets out of bed to see the doctor, and- oh my god! That is much, much more of Greasy then we ever needed to see! My god, that is more disgusting than the fucking centipede!

After he’s done playing with his fan book, Greasy gets dressed and heads over to the living room to play with his bugs while Doctor ZZ Top stares at his ass. I… I don’t even know why I’m questioning it at this point. Oh, and Greasy takes the time to prod a centipede, because SYMBOLISMISMISMISM.

The doctor reveals that the old woman, Greasy’s mother, is worried about Greasy, because he keeps talking about making a Human Centipede with twelve people. Doctor ZZ Top, meanwhile, just says that it’s all a metaphor for dicks. No, that’s why do anything.

Turns out that Greasy’s dad sexually abused him, and his mother blames him, and the doctor keeps stroking his leg, and the dad looks like the doctor, and he got the dad thrown in prison, and Greasy might mutilate his sexual organs- oh god, stop, stop, you’re giving me too much material to work with! This is like Hitler, dressed as a clown, fucking a pie in a pie factory, owned by Jack Black!

Note to self, write that script.

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4 Responses to “Breaking The Fourth Wall, Then Stapling It To Your Ass: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley March 24, 2014 at 7:04 pm #

    Even with the Hitler script you’re about to write, I’m not disturbed yet. *Yet*. Although I get the feeling I will be by the time this whole thing is over.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Rectum? I Darn Near Killed ‘Em: The Human Centipede Two Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 24, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Human Centipede 2: We were introduced to Martin Greasy, the man who’s family life would make Oedipus’s head spin and an obsession with the first movie that’s driving him to try and recreate it, because apparently people in London don’t have a lot to do. […]

  2. Call The Exterminators: The Human Centipede 2 Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 25, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Human Centipede 2: Martin Greasy, London security guard and fucking lunatic, has tried to create a human centipede. Wait, did I say “create a human centipede”? I mean, slaughter random people and mutilating his genitals while the first movie plays in the background. […]

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