Pray For A Killer Whale: Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss Review, Part Two

29 Mar

… You know what, no, I’m still not ready to accept this! Romeo And Juliet told with seals?! The hell?! What’s next, Romeo And Juliet told by GNOMES?!

What?

Why is everything orange, are they on fire?

Previously, on Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss: Jazz happened while seals failed to quote Shakespeare, and I contemplated finishing the suicides an hour early!

Ahem!

After they escape the party, Mercutio and Benvolio realize that Romeo isn’t with them. Well, of course not, you two are so fucking unbareable, I’m surprised he even talks to you in the first place. No, Romeo has swam off to go creepily stalk Juliet, because like every romance movie ever, “masturbating through your window = twue wuv”.

Yes, they’re recreating the balcony scene, which- and I’m not kidding here- when we were reading the book in class, the teacher skipped the scene because he thought it was boring. Not that I was missing much, apparently, it’s mostly misquoting Shakespeare, which I’m not even sure why I’m surprised at this point, and then- hey! A musical number! Which features them… flying through space?

“Crappy Animated Movie: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starseal Romeo. It’s one hour voyage: to explore new musical numbers, misquote more Shakespeare, to boldly fuck up where no animated movie has fucked up before.”

Not gonna watch that, just gonna wait for “Star Seal: Deep Sea Nine”.

That goes on for really far too long, until Juliet’s father starts calling for her. Which, of course, is the cue for Romeo to propose to her. I- just- wait, what?! They’ve just met! And they’re preteens! And she’s already getting married to somebody else! And WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SEALS!

… Sorry, still can’t get over that.

The next day, after Romeo takes the time to kiss every single person in the sea (what a sea slut), we cut to Benvolio and Mercutio… telling puns.

Well. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go revel in the comedic “brilliance” of The Motherfucking Cocksucking Cornshucking Starving Games.

After that… cinematic train wreck fades to black, we cut to Romeo heading in to the dark cave of Friar Lawrence, because all priests live in caves nowadays, and we get to see that the Friar is apparently, A, a meerkat, and B, a motherfucking witch. Well. Wrong play, but you get a B for “bubble bubble, toil and trouble”.

Romeo eventually convinces the Friar, because it turns out the Friar is on EVERY drug, and he marries the two. You know, why do seals even have weddings? Do they have to prove themselves in front of their seal gods? Do they eat of the seal Eucharist? Do they go to seal hell- wait, scratch that, THIS is seal hell.

Trust me, little buddy, I’d prefer the hot pokers too.

After cutting to Benvolio and Mercutio to establish that Mercutio has switched his puns for legitimately funny jokes about killing the Capulets, and the listening Capulets REALLY don’t like that, we cut to Romeo and Juliet, celebrating their marriage… with jazz.

Worst. Honeymoon sex tape. Ever.

After THAT goes on for far, far, far, far, far, far, FAR too long, the assorted sea life they’re dancing with realize that a Capulet and a Montague are together. And, like most people who see a relationship they disagree with, they decide to resolve their dispute with: Attempted Homicide!

… I really wish that was hyperbole.

They escape to a nice hot spring, and find a seagull who even takes the time to disagree with their relationship, which is surprising. I mean, seagulls are the tramps of the sea world! Anyway, Romeo and Juliet hide behind a hot spring to boink, only for the little stalker goldfish that’s been following Romeo around to start making out with him in front of Juliet. Jesus, fish, you’re playing with fire. Not only are these two married, but they’re also a species that eats fish! There were so many ways this could have gone wrong!

Anyway, the little assfish points out that if the Prince finds out, he’ll kill them both, and we pan over to see him watching the couple, gritting his elephant seal teeth the whole time. Annnnd then it fades to black! What, do you expect a commercial to start up-

… I don’t like you.

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One Response to “Pray For A Killer Whale: Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss Review, Part Two”

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  1. A Tale Of Not Enough Woe: Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 30, 2014

    […] on Romeo And Juliet, Sealed With A Kiss: Romeo and Juliet happened. But, you know. With […]

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