Little Girls Are The Root Of All Evil: Exorcismus Review, Part One

1 Apr

Why is it that whenever the Devil is trying to take over somebody, he just has to go for the little girls? Seriously, if I had a dollar every time Satan took over a pre-teen girl in one of these exorcism films, I’d have enough money to make my brand new magnum opus, Lucifer, Agent Of NAMBLA!

… Why is she screaming at her own title? Did she just realize what movie she’s in?

Exorcismus, other than having the blandest title in horror movie history, is notable for having absolutely no history behind it! I’m serious, Rotten Tomatoes has absolutely nothing to say about it, Wikipedia just stuck to the bare necessities- hell, the most I could find was a horror blog that seemed to view aesthetic website design as “that quaint thing that peasants do”.

Ahem!

Today’s horror film opens with… the IFC logo?! Goddammit, why won’t you people just leave me alone?! After that, we truly open with some woman walking in to her bathroom, closing the door, and crying on the floor. Ah, yes, I too know the terror of realizing you forgot to flush.

She grabs a hand mirror out of the cabinet, hops up and down on it, and grabs a shard. It is not, as I assumed, to meditate on her seven years bad luck, but instead so she can stab her hand. Not her wrist, of course, just her hand, because trying to slit your wrists is just so passée, grandpa.

We cut to some blond woman playing video games with her energetic little brother. Oh, hah hah hah, you hyper little scamp, I can just tell I’m going to fucking hate you. Blondie opens her phone up to view a video of herself making out with some guy while random goth woman films them and drinks and we see the suicidal woman cut herself who may or may not be Blondie and- ACK! Does this movie have ADHD, hold the fuck still!

Over with Blondie, we see her parents get in and ask about her hand wound, so the timeline is starting to slow down at least a little bit. Turns out, Blondie is moping because she’s not allowed to go out to a concert. Oh, yes, because it’s not bad enough that I have to live with mopy teenagers all of the time, now they have to show up in my movies too.

I miss the Human Centipedes already.

Oh, wait, NO I DON'T.

Oh, wait, NO I DON’T.

The mother storms out in response to such primo bitchiness, and in return, Blondie starts convulsing and drooling on the floor! My god, she must have just watched that one Pokemon episode! The father tries to help while the mother gets the title card on the phone. (Man, I should get title cards. Art monkey! Get on that!)

We cut to Blondie in the hospital while the credits play, over a montage of Science! (Trademark pending.) We see her afterwards, discussing various normal things with her parents and some priest, annnnd I’m sorry, I thought this was an exorcism movie! Hell, this far in to Anneliese, the damn girl already turned herself in to a human pretzel and drank her own pee!

Anyway, it turns out that, A), Blondie volunteered at the local church, B, her mother is a moron, C, they have no idea what happened to her, and D, this is so DULL. I’m sorry, I know all good horror films take the time to set up characters and motivations before things start jumping, but the key thing is, they also use that time to set up the tone. You can faff about however much you want, as long as it builds upon the emotions and, dare I say it, terror that the film is trying to convey!

[Editor’s Note: Is this just going to become a thing now? You stopping the review, just so you can ram your diatribe about horror films down our throats?]

Look on the bright side, I could be ramming something much worse down your throats.

Blondie wanders around slowly, talks to her friends, hangs out at vending machines, does French homework, and other things that aren’t even slightly scary, until she hides in the bathroom to vomit for a while. Either that’s Lord Satan, the King Of Worms, the God Of Deceivers, and Destroyer Of Man… or she ate the hospital food. Really, I’d believe both.

Hospital Food: The only food made entirely out of the skin that forms on pudding.

Our little sickly Blondie vomits for a bit, and after she turns on the hot water in the sink, steam forms on the mirror, and we see the words “YOU CAN BE FREE”. My god, it must be Satan! Or Zombie Jesus! Or Yog Sothoth! Or- oh, what’s that? The peeping little brother says that her eyes were all demony and she was the one who drew the words on the mirror, hereby ruining any and all dramatic tension? Well, great, you kept my interest for a full second.

We cut back to Blondie’s bizarre drug fuelled past for about… oh, ten seconds, before cutting to her sitting in her room… for about ten seconds! I’m sensing a pattern here. Anyway, we eventually settle on a scene of her telling her gothy friend about how Blondie’s parents are sending her to a psychiatrist… and we cut to her at the psychiatrist! Ooh, you were so close to maintaining a coherent narrative!

At the psychiatrists, she sets up her phone to let the Gothy friend hear everything that’s going on, and as he starts to hallucinate Blondie, Gothy starts hearing static over the phone. Well, that’s what you get when you buy a Silent Hill issue telephone! Either that, or she just called the Candle Cove hotline.

Anyway, after Blondie is under, the psychiatrist starts asking the standard questions, and meanwhile, Gothy hears a different voice saying generic creepy stuff in the background. Wait, does EVERY session with that guy come free with Satan whispering sweet nothings in your ear? Or do you have to pay extra for that?

“Say, what’s this ‘Satanic Equity’ clause?”

“Oh, that’s just some legalese, saying we’ll have to have the Lord of Darkness overlooking the procedures!”

“… Why?”

YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL.”

“… My mother’s still alive-”

“JUST SIGN THE DAMN CONTRACT.”

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One Response to “Little Girls Are The Root Of All Evil: Exorcismus Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Your Movie Sucks Cocks In Hell: Exorcismus Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 2, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Most Boring Movie Ever- Er, I Mean, Exorcismus: We got to watch while Blondie did… nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. You missed nothing, nothing happened, we came from nothing, and we shall go to nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. […]

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