Your Movie Sucks Cocks In Hell: Exorcismus Review, Part Two

2 Apr

Wait, we’re STILL on this stupid exorcism film?! Ack, how much longer is this stupid movie?

[Editor’s Note: Erm… about an hour and twenty minutes.]

… *twitch, twitch*

[Editor’s Note: Are- are you okay?]

FINE. I’M FINE.

Wait, Harley Quinn, is that you?

Previously, on The Most Boring Movie Ever- Er, I Mean, Exorcismus: We got to watch while Blondie did… nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. You missed nothing, nothing happened, we came from nothing, and we shall go to nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing.

Why did I decide to review this?!

Ahem!

After Blondie’s little Satanic psychiatrist session, we cut to her in the kitchen, looking over a whiteboard with “YOU ARE NOT MAD” written on it. I dunno, I think the jury’s still out on that one. Her father wanders in, tells her what happened at the psychiatrist’s was not her fault, and… we cut to what happened at the psychiatrist! Good god, this movie has a grudge match with chronology.

Anyway, we see the psychiatrist lying face down in Blondie’s lap as she comes up from the hypnosis. I- I mean he was dead, not that he was trying some entirely new, clitoris based therapy! Yeah, as Gothy explains next scene, apparently Blondie said something SO shocking, he keeled over dead! My god, I always knew Game Of Thrones spoilers were the ultimate weapon.

Gothy plays the recording for Blondie, but she deletes it, because the Dark Lord Satan is a petty sort. Oh, and speaking of petty, when Blondie tries to take some pain pills for her injured hand, he replaces the pills with cockroaches, and just for good measure, fills the toilet with the little buggers too. Goddammit, Satan, get a hobby.

When her father runs in to help, all of the evidence disappears, just like every teenager wish it would when the parents run in, and we cut to Blondie talking about Uncle Priesty with her mother. Turns out, he once fucked up a exorcism and got someone killed, a movie which sounds way, way more interesting than this one!

But then again, watching paint drying would be more interesting than this!

We cut to… the little brother naked in the bath… and then Blondie comes in… and starts tickling him.

I’d say that this just got dangerously erotic, but then I’d have to kill again.

Blondie suddenly flashes to her drowning him in the bath, which is a freakin’ godsend, and then she starts doing it for real. And like every drowning person, all the little twerp can manage is to pathetically slap the air. Seriously, what is it about drowning that turns people in to damn pansies?

Eventually, she snaps out of it, and while she sprints out in to the streets of London for some fresh air, the little brat tells the mother all about it. She starts sending out the Blondie Signal, while Blondie herself eventually heads to… Uncle Priesty’s house?! So, wait, you thought you needed an exorcism… so you went to the one guy who killed someone during an exorcism?!

I- just- gah- WHAT?! There was no positive outcome here! Either he’ll think you’re a fucking loony, and you won’t get an exorcism, or he’ll think you’re telling the truth… AND YOU WILL FUCKING DIE! Quit talkin’ to this Last Exorcism washout and go find someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW THIS WORKS!

(I’d nominate Dr. Nazistein from Anneliese, personally.)

As Priesty explains how, although he believes Blondie, his church probably own’t sign off on this little exorcism. (Just because of the, you know, minor fact that HE KILLED SOMEONE.) Blondie starts sassing him, so he waves around a cross for a bit to freak her out, and also to help prove that this is legitimate. I dunno, all you’ve proven so far is that possessed people are actually Jesus.

“EAT OF MY BODY, THEN SUCK COCKS IN HELL.”

We cut to Blondie explaining to her parents about how this all happened when she was messing around with a ouija board, and- WAIT, WHAT?! This all started because you messed around with a dime store, tourist trap fucking OUIJA BOARD?!

I’m going to assume you know why that’s stupid and move on.

Blondie gives her pitch, about how she’s Satan now (something all parents are used to thinking, I’m sure), but her parents just tell her that it’s fucking stupid, and go to bed. Ah, I like them already! Blondie heads to bed to flash back to the ouija board game, while the father tries to convince the mother to go ahead with the exorcism. Because, as he puts it, if it’ll make her feel better, what’s the harm?

Hmm oh gee let me think maybe it has something to do WITH THE FACT THAT HE FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE?!

YOU. PEOPLE. ARE. STUPID.

We cut to Blondie discussing the situation with Gothy over a smoke break, and hey, what’s that, Gothy is doubting the existence of the devil? You know what that means!

SPONTANEOUS LESBIANISM!

… Wait, what?

This is either the best, or the worst devil.

For… no apparent reason, Possessed Blondie gets Gothy to kiss her, only for her to start insulting Gothy. (See what I mean about the devil being petty?) They have a little fight, not helped with Blondie’s sudden amnesia, and after Gothy knocks her on her ass, she runs off- wait, that’s seriously all it takes to smack the hell out of the devil? One miffed off, bi-curious woman? Dude, the Lord of All Lies is a pansy.

Anyway, we cut to Blondie helping her mother with dinner, which consists of her… cutting up carrots? Oh, good god, this whole movie is just a set up for Blondie to do evilish things, isn’t it. You might as well have set this one on a freaking TEE.

Blondie starts twitching, the sure-fire sign of being crazier than a shit-town rat, and after her mother bends down, she… tries to dump the boiling water on her? Fortunately for fans of not recreating the Cook’s death from Sleepaway Camp, she ends up not going through with it, and instead catches fire, has a seizure, falls over, and starts floating.

Wow, this is the WEIRDEST recipe.

The parents, finally convinced that THIS MIGHT NOT BE NORMAL, sends up the Priesty signal and gets the Uncle running! The Priest starts laying down some ground rules: He gets to stay there all the time now (… creeeeepy), Blondie isn’t allowed to tell her friends about any of this, (creeeeeepier), and no one is allowed to watch the exorcisms while he’s alone with her. (Well, congrats, you’re the second rapey-est priest I’ve ever seen.)

The Priest decides that he should film all of this, because he’s apparently trying to turn this in to a Last Exorcism sequel, and the next morning, he takes Blondie in to the special side room, which comes complete… with a chair specially designed with wrist restraints and leg restraints?

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he HAS one of these things, or that fact that I DON’T.

… Actually, I think I already own that.

The Priest starts setting up a protection circle with holy water (which isn’t actually how that works, you’re supposed to use salt, but who’s counting), and the Priest admits that they should PROBABLY be doing this on holy ground, but eh, who cares! Yes, yes, half ass it, I’m SURE that won’t result in another casualty, you homicidal fruit cake.

He starts poking Blondie in the forehead (ooh, good point, I hear the devil HATES that) while reciting his Latin Boy Scouts Manual, so Blondie starts up with her best Willow Smith impression, circa ‘Whip My Hair’, until she burps a mighty demonic burp. Ew, I never knew the Lord of the Flies was so GASSY.

We cut to everyone just… having a normal dinner, I guess we’re just ignoring the whole exorcism thing! “Pass the potatoes, Bringer Of Pestilence.” And we cut to a flashback of the Priest’s failed exorcism, mainly consisting of a bunch of other priests coming in to take the girl away. Ooh, you screwed up this exorcism so bad, even the cast of The Devil Inside is pissed off!

Meanwhile, in the present, Blondie is talking to the Priest and asking him about whether or not she’ll die too, and the Priest says that it all would have been JUST FINE if they hadn’t taken the girl away. Oh, sure, it’s everyone else’s fault, and definitely not because you’re wildly incompetent, and while we’re telling blatant lies, all penises are that shade of green, it’s perfectly normal!

Blondie and the Priest (oooh, name of my new punk band) head up to the Exorcism Cave again to continue, while the father tries to play loud classical music over the sounds of the banging.

… I’m not taking it back.

Over the music, he hears Blondie begging for help, so he runs in to help his demonic daughter. Of course, this just results in him getting strangled by her, because surprise surprise, the devil is a dick!

Seriously, Satan. Satan. Seriously. What a dick.

Eventually, the Priest gives her a nice toasting, courtesy of the cross, and everyone gets free. Well, thank you, daddy dearest, for proving why Leroy Jenkins-ing the Devil is SOMETHING WE USUALLY LEAVE FOR THE PROFESSIONALS. Like the Doom Marine, perhaps! “RIP AND TEAR, RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS!”

We cut to the Priest chewing the parents out over this whole fiasco, and explaining that the Devil is a master manipulator. Well, of course, you can tell how much of a “master” he is, by the fact that when given a clear escape from this exorcism, he couldn’t put off being evil for TEN DAMN SECONDS! My god, he’s a strategic genius! 

Next scene, Blondie is… standing around a basketball court? Wait, they just let her go?! Nobody was keeping an eye on THE MOTHERFUCKING DEVIL?!

I- just- gah- YOU DESERVE TO SUCK COCKS IN HELL!

Turns out, she’s meeting with her boyfriend, who looks like an offbrand Efron, and they start driving around. He doesn’t believe the whole Devil crap, and more importantly, doesn’t even remember how the two of them slept together! Pssh, that’s NOTHING, my boyfriend said he wished we’d never boinked to begin with!

[Editor’s Note: Are… are you drinking?]

DAMMIT HE SAID HE LOVED ME.

Erm, anyway! Blondie sees Bargain Bin Efron covered in cockroaches, so she starts a tussle, which ends with them crashing. And sadly(?), Efron is mangled, which would be terribly shocking and dramatic if it wasn’t for the fact that nobody knows who the hell he is. Oh no, not the redshirt!

Later, at the hospital, they decide that he’ll live, but he’s seriously fucked up, and Blondie feels guilty. Deservedly so, I might add, you murderous ass. And of course, the Priest chooses NOW of all times to start telling her that the Devil feeds on pain. Gee, nice to know and everything, but I ALMOST KILLED MY BOYTOY! Don’t I at least get a minute to breath before you start up on your rejected D&D cosplay?!

… N- not that I ever play, of course.

We cut to dinner, where midway through, Blondie starts up with her “your mother sucks cocks in hell” routine, not that this actually amounts to anything. The Devil just comes in, tells her father that her mother cheated on him, vomits, and goes away again! Wow, nice work, Satan, doing the theological equivalent of flipping the bird is totally striking fear in to the superstitious criminal mind.

The Priest decides to call in his old partner, but it’ll take a couple of days, and meanwhile, he tells the father that he should never listen to anything the Devil says. I mean, he is the Lord of All Lies, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE’S UNTRUSTWORTHY! (And of course, the next day, we see the father questioning his wife over the accusation of cheating. Yeah, way to not believe the Devil, I’d give you a high five if you weren’t jerking the devil off RIGHT NOW.)

(… Don’t think too much about that metaphor, I certainly didn’t.)

The next day, the increasingly sickly looking Blondie goes for a walk, and the little brother accidentally kicks the ball to her. He asks for it back, still not trusting her, but the Devil takes over and, using the forces of the Hoary Hosts of the Netherworld… plays keep away.

… Truly, he is the Ultimate Evil. Be still, my fearful heart.

To be fair, he DOES take the time to toss the ball in to the street, and some jerk driving in slow motion plows right in to the little twat. See, that wasn’t the Devil’s fault, that guy was just an asshole. Annnnd… wait, cut to the little kid’s funeral?! 

Well, say what you want about how this Devil is a petulant little child, but he still has a higher body count than any of the other exorcism movies!

At the funeral, everyone is shunning Blondie, which is to be expected when YOU’RE THE ONE WHO KILLED HIM, and everything goes all silent and artistic for a while. Yes, yes, you’re pretentious, just hand you the fucking Emmy and send you on your way.

Blondie goes to her depressed mother to explain how this was all her fault, because… oh, you see, you are going to love this. See, after she first got in to the Ouija board, she wanted to invoke the Devil, but it didn’t work… so she asked the Priest, who not only had a massive book full of Nazi paraphanalia and rituals about how to summon the Dark Lord Satan… but then proceeded to explain it to the impressionable teenage girl… WHO SUMMONED LUCIFER AFTER A FIGHT WITH HER MOTHER SO SHE COULD MAKE A BLOOD SACRIFICE FOR HER PERSONAL INDEPENDENCE.

YOU ARE THE DUMBEST PILE OF-

I’m… I’m going to assume that you know why a priest teaching a teenage girl how to summon Satan who then used it to try and get personal freedom is a bad idea! Anyway, the mother takes all this in stride, and then, later that night, tries to stab Blondie while she sleeps. But Blondie fights her off, so the mother figures, eh, killing HERSELF is just as good! You know, there’s a reason most people don’t try to stab themselves in the gut when they kill themselves!

You… you SUCK at suicide.

The ambulance cart her out, and we see the Priest getting told that his old partner ain’t coming in, so he has to ride this exorcism solo, partner! (Note to self, write cowboy priest.) The next day, the father heads out to the hospital, while Blondie tells the Priest that she’s not going to continue the exorcisms. Oh, nice work! Hey, SATAN WON!

See, she loses her memory every time she hulks out, so she’s pretty sure she’s crazy. (And I’m pretty sure she’s right.) The only way to convince her otherwise is if the Priest showed her the tapes, but he refuses, on the grounds of “found footage movies are bullshit anyway”!

But hey, you don’t get to be possessed by the Devil for making good decisions, so she breaks in to the Priest’s room to watch the tapes anyway. Annnd yeah, way to recap all those scenes we’ve already seen! Filler filler fil- ler! Filler filler fil- ler!

It DOES include a bit we hadn’t seen before, which involves her flying, (… yay?) and it’s revealed via flashback that everything that’s been going on is actually the Priest’s fault. See, the Priest WANTED her to invoke the Devil, so he let her know the blood ritual, just so he could film that the Devil exists and prove it to the world, which means that everything that’s happened is his fault! Hey, what’s that, you wanted some CONVOLUTED  BACKSTORY TO YOUR EXORCISM FILM OH WAIT A SECOND NO YOU FUCKING DIDN’T.

Blondie threatens him with a knife for a bit, but after a brief chase scene, the Devil takes over and smacks the Priest across the room. Oh, and if that’s not enough, he smashes the tapes in his bare hands. Wait… his hands? Her hands? Which pronouns do I even do you even USE for a possession case?

NOT HELPING.

The Priest tries his exorcism routine, which is pretty stock. You know, with the booming voice, billowing winds, blazing fires, etcetera etcetera, until it’s revealed that the Priest’s plan was actually part of a BIGGER plan by the Devil, who apparently really wanted to fuck up this one family, and then the father runs in, only to get killed by the Priest, and a second, Evil Blondie appears to try and convince Original Flavour Blondie to kill the Priest, and SINCE WHEN DID THIS GET SO CONFUSING?!

Despite taking the knife from the Evil Blondie, Original Flavour Blondie can’t go through with it, and whenever she tries to run away, Evil Blondie just warps her back to the living room to try his pitch again. Eventually, Original Flavour is ready to go through with it… only to stab herself instead. Dammit, WE JUST PROVED THAT THAT DOESN’T KILL PEOPLE FOR CRAP.

We cut to the hospital room, where Blondie is waking up and upset that her suicide is ALSO one of the things she utterly sucks at! The Priest’s old partner is there, and tells Blondie that she’s not possessed any more, the tapes are destroyed, and Uncle Priesty just offed himself! Wow, wrapped everything up in a nice, suicidal bow!

Later at the park, Blondie is wheeling her mother around, where… things are understandably awkward. “So, how’s trying to murder me?”

“It’s good. How’s summoning Satan to kill your family?”

“Eh, can’t complain, can’t complain.”

So, that was Exorcismus! How was it? Ungodly bad! (Eh, see what I did there?)

It’s an exorcism movie that is trying to be a teen drama, and while it’s nice that they tried to do something different with the genre… it really doesn’t work! It never manages any true terror, or even discomfort, there’s no real emotion connection, the chronology is all over, and the Devil seems particularly petulant. (Seriously, he just let her go at the end? And the spontaneous lesbianism thing? Satan is a perv.) That, coupled with a dreadful ending and nigh unwatchable camera work, makes this an unbelievably difficult hour and forty minutes to sit through.

On the bright side, I got through this massive review! Phew, at least I can take it easy tomorrow!

[Editor’s Note: Actually, tomorrow’s your 800th anniversary.]

… Fuck.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: