I… I Don’t Even Know: A Trash Humpers Review, Part One

6 Apr

Hrm, what’s that? The Human Centipede and The Human Centipede 2: Baby Stomping Edition hasn’t completely killed your ability to maintain an erection? Well, too bad, because that’s the magic incantation to summon Trash Humpers! Or, in other words, GOD IS DEAD.

Yes, this is a thing. This is a thing that HAPPENED.

I’m… I’m really quite amazed that this happened! It was done in 2009, and despite that, it was done entirely in V/H/S! (I’m starting to think this is actually a V/H/S 2 segment that went terrible wrong somehow.) It was made by the same guy who made that unwatchable Spring Breakers a few years back, and oh, speaking of Spring Breakers? Apparently, this is Selena Gomez’s favourite film by the guy.

I can’t even make something like that up.

Ahem!

Our nightmare inducing film opens with some old guy, sitting in front of a garage door. Annnnnd then we cut to some old woman fucking a garbage bin!

Well. Terrible movie, but at least it was short.

What’s that? There’s more?

Cockweasel!

Okay, FINE, so we cut to the old woman… taking a dump in front of the garage door, apparently. And next, we see two more old men fucking garbage bags! And, while you’re currently vomiting up everything you’ve ever eaten, let me point out that either these people are actually wearing cartoonish old people masks, or we’re actually watching Auton porn.

“Is that a gun in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?”

Next scene, we see one of the old men either fucking a tree, or trying some impromptu lumberjacking. Pssh, THAT’S not trash! You’ve clearly forgotten what this movie is about- oh, what’s that? The next scene involves fucking a garbage can again? Oh, it’s like you never left me.

We cut to the old woman boinking a telephone pole, and then to the old man in the hat performing fellatio on a tree branch, before finally cutting to the title card. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure there’s no one left in the theatre to SEE that, they all left to go rub off their genitals with steel wool.

After that, we get… the two old men and the old woman dancing around… or maybe masturbating… while they stare at a toilet at the side of the road. While they moan. Loudly. You MAY think this is incredibly fucking creepy, but they’re actually just fans of the classic film, Toilets Gone Wild!

The next scene is of them breaking old TVs with sledgehammers. Pointless, you might say, but at least they’re not fucking any of the TVs! Thank god for little miracles, I always say.

The next scene- oh, and by the way, when I say “scene”? I mean, about twenty seconds, maybe thirty, tops. And to think this schizophrenic editing was brought to us by the guy who did Spring Breakers! I COULDN’T FUCKING TELL!

Anyway, after some pointless establishing shots that establish nothing, we see the trio spraying a wheelchair with a hose. Annnnnd then we see them break TVs some more. Annnnd then they all start tap dancing. I… I don’t… I don’t even know… what’s going… what is even… I… I…

I think you broke something in my thinky thingy.

I’ll also never be able to maintain an erection ever again, but that’s besides the point.

We cut to our trio of degenerate motherfuckers… playing basketball with a little kid in a suit? Annnnnd then they’re cradling a baby while the little kid watches? Or… is that even a baby? Is that a doll? Why do they have a doll? Who is that kid? Who are any of these people?! What’s going on?! Why are they singing?! WHY DON’T THEY SPEAK ANY LANGUAGE?! WHY THE FUCK DO THEY SPEAK IN SIMS?! SPACE IS WARPED, TIME IS BENDABLE, AND DO YOU NEED TO WEAR A CONDOM WHEN YOU FUCK GARBAGE?!

The little kid in the suit starts playing with the doll while he cackles maniacally, which then segues in to the kid cackling while he beats the doll to death with a hammer. Healthy! Oh, and then he sits on the old woman’s lap in the wheelchair while the old man drags them around while he drinks from the bottle, which is clearly what I should be doing right now!

Annnnd we cut to more trash humping. Ah, I missed it already.

… Oh, wait, no I didn’t, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

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5 Responses to “I… I Don’t Even Know: A Trash Humpers Review, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley April 7, 2014 at 12:18 am #

    … … … …Well, (sighs) …okay. I’m intrigued.

    • averystrangeplace April 7, 2014 at 8:02 am #

      Hee hee hee! Who wants to bet you’ll regret that!

      • Tim Hurley April 7, 2014 at 10:02 am #

        Oh, I know I will. I was just fresh out of ‘outrage’ last night. That, and I have to hope that ‘humping stuff’ is better than whatever ‘chopping, shooting, tearing, sewing together’ usually takes place in the films you review. 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. This Movie Is F**king Garbage, Literally: Trash Humpers Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 7, 2014

    […] on Trash Humpers: Old people had sex with inanimate objects. Then, they tap danced. Rinse and repeat. And on a […]

  2. Selena Gomez Approved: Trash Humpers Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 8, 2014

    […] Previously, on- wait a second, before I get in to this, you just HAVE to see this. See, after the first two parts, I went searching high and low to find something, ANYTHING to explain why this movie exists! And I discovered that, A, the director considers this a horror movie because it’s so unpleasant to sit through, B, he thinks it’s something that isn’t meant to be watched by anyone, just to be buried and forgotten, and C, I- wait, here’s a direct quote, let the man speak for himself. […]

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