Selena Gomez Approved: Trash Humpers Review, Part Three

8 Apr

You wanna know what’s funny? You wanna know what’s reeeeeally funny?! I’ve spent almost 2000 words talking about Trash Humpers, and I’m only 25 minutes in! I STILL HAVE 50 MINUTES TO GO! THIS IS REVIEWER PURGATORY! 

One of those is a dead, lifeless thing, and the other is a doll.

Previously, on– wait a second, before I get in to this, you just HAVE to see this. See, after the first two parts, I went searching high and low to find something, ANYTHING to explain why this movie exists! And I discovered that, A, the director considers this a horror movie because it’s so unpleasant to sit through, B, he thinks it’s something that isn’t meant to be watched by anyone, just to be buried and forgotten, and C, I- wait, here’s a direct quote, let the man speak for himself.

“I always think differently about my work from the way it is perceived generally. When I made the movie, it was my attempt to make my most commercial film, without any question. I wanted the movie to play in shopping malls, I felt like ‘Trash Humpers’ was the kind of thing that Miley Cyrus could endorse. I felt like it spoke to the tween set, like they would understand what was happening. It’s not a movie in the old sense of the word, it was something perhaps newer that they could identify with.”

… So, apparently, having just ONE vapid ex-Disney celebrity endorse his movie wasn’t enough! Oh no, Mr. Harmony Korine apparently wants the whole damn set!

Ahem!

After the hookers are done singing Silent Night, and yes, I realize that’s a sentence I just had to say, I’m sad too, we cut to the Trash Humpers breaking in to some house- oh, wait, false alarm. They’re just fucking the window sills! Phew, what a relief!

We cut to the two old men driving along, until… one of them addresses the camera man? Wait, they know we’re here? They know somebody’s filming this whole thing? Does that technically make it a found footage film? Better than The Marked Ones, that’s for damn sure!

Or, as it’s otherwise known, Skulduggery Pleasant and the Deathly Hollows.

Next, we get a fat man in a bushy, white beard, telling a rambling story to the board Trash Humpers. Is it even worth a second of my time to wonder who the hell this is or what he’s doing here? No? Okay, moving on.

After spending some more time with Ghetto Trash Santa, we get… more tap dancing! Followed, quite literally immediately, with tree fucking! My god, I think you just summarized this entire nightmare in one ten second scene! … Can we leave now?

We get some more haphazard cuttings, as if this whole movie is off it’s meds, until we finally settle on a shot of… a naked corpse! And, and then out camera man insists on getting closer, so yes, we DO get to see it’s dick, thanks for asking! I hope the idea of corpse dick makes you just SO DAMN HAPPY!

Annnnnnnd now we have a guitar! And one of them is in a maid’s outfit! And now we’re on a bridge! And one of them has firecrackers! And the maid is monologuing! I really wish I was lying about… you know, any of that, but at that this point, what the fuck is even the point? This movie is just pressing the “weird” button over and over again, until I’m not even noticing any more. Sure, now they start humping the bridge. Why not.

God, who knew they could make a movie about trash humpers SO BORING.

Next, they’re playing with dogs, as- wait, they killed the maid guy?! They slit his throat?! NOW THEY’RE MURDERERS?! HOW DID WE SKIP FROM “FUCKING A BRIDGE” TO FUCKING MURDER! What, exactly, did we MISS in those intervening scenes? Because that seems like a hell of a lot more interesting than all damn inanimate object seduction!

On, speaking of which, one, two, three scenes in a row with nothing but them fucking inanimate objects. Because THAT’S what you do right after a homicide!

… Not that I would KNOW, of course.

For a brief second, we get to see a big ‘end” sign, and you think you might be finally free, but no, it’s a false alarm. Cue blathering arguments with their random and inexplicable friend who just fucking showed up, more dancing, more firecrackers, and of course, random posing in a puddle in front of a sunset! You might ask why, but it’s very simple, you see, SMOKEBOMB.

*pssssssh*

*run run run*

Next, they… bounce on a trampoline in the middle of the street at night?

Okay.

It’s… not even worth questioning.

And then… eerie music and lighting over shots of 3 pairs of blood stained shoes? Is… is a plot going to start suddenly? Oh, OF COURSE NOT, that would imply that there’s actually some fucking WORTH in this movie.

Blah blah blah, boring boring boring, sounds of a baby crying, messing around with a weird cell phone, fucking a mail box, crapping in front of a garage door, blah blah blah, and we’re walking, we’re walking…

Next, some random asshole starts telling gay sex jokes to the Trash Humpers. DAMMIT THAT’S MY JOB!

Case in point.

Okay, fast forward to the next scene, that one’s boring! Annnnnd it’s some random asshole talking about his shelving units? … NEXT SCENE! They’re putting on some sort of party while they… suffocate some shirtless guy.

… NEXT SCENE!

They… hide the body, maybe, and then they’re playing the drums, and if it seems like I have no idea what’s going on, it’s only because I don’t. This movie is one of the most disorientating piles of… erm, trash, that I’ve ever had the displeasure of sitting through, and speaking of which, now they’re riding bikes in circles with dolls tied to the back! Because it was the early 2000’s, and I guess you just had to be there.

And masturbating, and a trombone, and some random guy, and giant bags of money, and END, END, END END END END END END WHY WON’T THIS MOVIE FUCKING END?!

… And why does trombone guy look like Stephen King?

Okay, you know what? I’m tired of this! Lets fast forward 10 minutes, to see what’s changed in the plot! … Oh, they’re just fucking garbage cans. I forgot, this movie HAS no plot. It’s a mobius strip of “OH GOD NO”.

One of the Trash Humpers rants for a bit while he drives, and then more dancing and singing, and now more dragging dolls on bikes, and the parking garage from Human Centipede 2 and there’s a storm, and shots of a school and a church and a tennis game and narf8hcudsogbv iuxghb vhskjzbgfvkieg uLR[OFPP EPJKBGVKI LJVOP SDVHIL\OHip9gobjrbv xzkibfeh8uasidoh afspjsiucbsahcipas-

Sorry, I think the movie just broke me for a second.

Either that, or I just pissed off MissingNo.

So, what did I miss? Nothing, nothing at all. Okay, good to know, keep on wasting my time, Trash Humpers. Tell you what, if you feel like actually being ABOUT something, let me know!

Wait, is this… is something happening? The old woman just broke in to a house covered in baby supplies, and we hear it crying… she’s taking the baby? Are… were all the references to dolls and babies crying throughout the film just a metaphor to the destroyed nature of this woman’s youth when her child was heartlessly taken away from her, and her life fell in to a horrible vortex of sex and pointless film and murder until she killed some parents, and stole the baby away from them in an attempt to gain back her youth?

You know, usually when a movie includes the twist ending, it’s something like, “Bruce Willis was dead”, or “Angela was really a boy”, not “THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY HAD A PLOT, NO REALLY”!

So, that was Trash Humpers! How was it?

It was fucking garbage!

(Literally.)

I KNOW what this film was trying to do, it was trying to be a character study about these psychopaths, and the kind of life they live. But, just because I know what it was trying to do, it doesn’t mean it did it WELL. The entire fucking movie is like pulling teeth. Through your urethra. Completely nonsensical, horribly edited, horribly acted, horribly humped, horrible tap dancing- really, the only redeeming feature of this film is the fact that it makes the perfect trump card.

“Man, I saw the WORST movie last night!”

“… Lemme tell you about a little movie called Trash Humpers…”

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