Things Are Easy When You’re Big In Japan: Attack On Titan Review, Part One

14 Apr

(I REFUSE to believe I’m the first one to come up with that title joke.)

Yes, today we’re stepping a bit out of our wheelhouse! (What is a wheelhouse, anyway?) Instead of a bad horror movie, we’re going to be looking at the first episode of the anime, Attack On Titan! Because, frankly, it was that, or My Little Pony, and I figure I’d give all of your terrified and confused genitals a break.

… That quote is going to be very confusing out of context.

This is NORMALLY when I’d give a preamble, explaining some backstory about the show… but I know exactly nothing about this show. It’s an anime. It’s big in Japan. People keep telling me to review it. And they’re going to go ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NUTS if I don’t give this a positive review.

Yaaaaaay.

Ahem!

After the remarkably obnoxious Funimation logo, we get… geese! Oh, so this is about CANADIAN Titans. Everyone in this town are staring in shocked disbelief at the geese, until we eventually pan over to reveal a massive wall around the city, complete with a big hand that looks like it was made out of beef jerky groping it!

Our narrator starts up, about how humanity was reminded about how sucky it is to get fucked over by giant hunks of beef jerky, while the giant stands up and just kind of stares over the city. Either that, or he’s searching for a glory hole. “Aww, yeeeah, sexy humanity is going to get oppressed TONIGHT!”

We cut to a squad of people on horses with machine guns, heading out through the forest to “set up a human outpost” outside the wall, and happen to run in to a… well, I’m going to say Titan, because they’re in the title. Anyway, they start… sending out grappling hooks? Okay, who the fuck gave Batman horses? ANNNNND JAPANESE CREDIT SEQUENCE WITH LYRICS THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY, GO!

I swear, the people who make Japanese opening themes need to actually start WATCHING the series they’re writing for. Anyway, after that’s done with, we cut to a field of pretty flowers. Which then immediately splice in pictures of horrible war. Aww, darn, and you almost went a whole minute without showing something violent!

That part turns out to be a dream, and a young boy with eyes about six times too large for his head named Eren wakes up in the field of flowers. A girl, named “She Is Not Named Here But She Has A Scarf So Her Name Is Now Scarf Girl”, tells him they should get going. Uh oh, that was the magic words for “FLASHBACK”! We flashback to… 875? Don’t ask what reference that has to the current time, this show has a relationship to exposition like a drunken hobo, half-heartedly belting out lines of the Digimon theme song as he steals from Girl Scouts.

Anyway, the flashback shows a bunch of naked men scratching at the walls as- wait, this ISN’T a flashback? It just cuts back to Eren and Scarf Girl carting sticks back home! Yeah, little hint, when a show flashes a big date before cutting to a completely different scene, it USUALLY means it’s a flashback! Or, hell, maybe that wasn’t even the date, maybe that was the number of naked men on screen.

Anyway, Eren and Stick girl get stopped on their walk home by… a drunken hobo? Oh god, don’t let him near the Girl Scouts or the Digimon theme song! Actually, it turns out he’s a guard who’s supposed to be guarding for Titans, but getting drunk is more fun! A man after my own heart.

Eren goes off on him about how unprepared they’d be if the Titans attacked, but Drunky McFreeloader says, “oh, it’s cool, we have REEEEEALLY big walls”. Well, yeah, but what if the Titans get that Batman technology?! THEN WE’RE ALL FUCKED!

“What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am?! I’M THE GODDAMN TITAN!”

Eren tells Scarf Girl about how wants to be a Scout when he grows up, and lo and behold, the Scouts are back! And by “Scouts”, I mean the Regiment of Batmen! But when the duo go to see their brave entrance, things are… in remarkably bad shape. Turns out, a bunch of dweebs trying to take on giants with grappling hooks was as bad an idea as everyone thought! GODDAMMIT, WHO FUNDED THE “LETS FEED HUNGRY TITANS” PROJECT!

A woman runs up to the Regiment of Batmen, and asks where her son is. “Your son? Oh, sure! Hey, Paul, hand me that bucket!”

Apparently, “ability to not be a dick” is the first casualty of giant attack.

The Captain says, “oh yeah, your son was so helpful”. Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I thought this was one of those HAPPY, FEEL GOOD anime! No, instead he bursts out crying about how terribly incompetent he and all the Batmen are and how they’ve accomplished nothing. OI, JACKASS, POINTING OUT HOW MANY DICKS YOU SUCK IS MY JOB. YOU JOB IS TO SUCK DICK. LETS STICK TO WHAT WE KNOW.

When one of the crowd starts bad mouthing the Batmen, Eren smacks him, so Scarf Girl… holy hell, she fucking tosses him across the street with one hand! Good god, just send HER to fight the Titans, she’d have the whole thing cleared up in no time!

Scarf Girl and Eren make their way home, because… apparently they’re brother and sister! That explains why… they look nothing alike? Hrm. Anyway, Scarf Girl tells the parents that Eren wants to sign up for the “All You Can Eat Me” buffet- er, I mean, Batman Brigade, and the father is remarkably understanding! “Well, good luck with that. I’m going to go on a far off business trip to get out of the plot.”

“… But we live in one giant city.”

“… Well. In that case, I’m going to lock myself in the closet for a couple months. Lah dah dah dee dah.”

Actually, that closet is probably better than their house.

Eren runs off to go… jump inside a Titan’s mouth, I assume, but instead finds some bullies beating up on… Herbie the Misfit Elf?! Just because he wanted to be a dentist, you didn’t have to do THAT! Anyway, they get ready to beat the living tar out of Eren, but one look at Scarf Girl, and they’re off running. Seriously, she is terrifying. I’m pretty sure she could wrap the whole damn Batman Brigade in her own scarf.

Herbie and Eren discuss how unfair it is that leaving the city is taboo, while Scarf Girl just barely tolerates them, and meanwhile, we get dramatic shots of wind. Annnnnd… oh god! It’s the geese! Run, everyone get out! The geese can only mean one thing-

*KKKKKKSHHHH*

“RAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”

fucking told you!

That’s right, one giant lightning strike later, and the Titans are back. Teen Titans, GO! Their first move? Fuck the wall!

… An unorthodox strategy, to be sure.

This whole lets all the slightly-less-titanic Titans in, and the giant naked bastards start… I don’t know, being naked at things? Using their cock lasers? Smiling creepily? Anyway, Eren and Scarf Girl head to their house to see how their mother dealt with having the wall dropped on her head.

“AAAAAARRRRRGH OH MY GOD I ENVY THE DEAD!”

Better than I expected, to be honest.

Mummy dearest is pinned under the rubble and a Titan is coming, but… it’s Officer Drunky McFreeloader to the rescue! I’m sure HE can kill that monster!

“Fear me, you deformed naked maniac! I shall slay you, for little girls everywhere!”

“…”

“Did you hear me? I… I have a grappling hook and a big knife? I’m going to kill you now!”

“…”

“Are you even THERE?”

*creepy stalker smile*

“…”

Yes, without his liquid courage, Drunky doesn’t have any of his regular courage, and he scoops up Scarf Girl and Eren and runs for the hills. And, of course, we get to see the Titan pull the mother apart limb from limb, like a breadstick.

[Editor’s Note: Do breadsticks have limbs?]

They do if you’re eating them right.

So, that was the first episode of Attack On Titan! How was it?

… NAKED GIANTS NAKED GIANTS NAKED GIANTS NAKED GIANTS.

No, but seriously, it was fine! Good animation, nice soundtrack, good story telling engine set up, good characters, good… other generic traits that one usually says about a good thing! (Look, I’m not used to saying nice things about the stuff I review.)

So, tune in next time, in which the Titans are stopped by a surprise team-up with Godzilla AND the Earth Defence Force! Oh, and then Eren starts making out with the Titans, because you know that he’s always kissing guys!

There we go, I think I referenced everything.

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