Tall, Dark, And Gangly: The Slender Man Review, Part One

16 Apr

That’s right, you guessed it, mysterious voices in my head! Today, we’re looking at The Slender Man!

… No, not the games. Or the stories. Or the ARGs. Or the art. Or the songs. Or any of the billions of other things about that tall, perpetually well dressed motherfucker. See, that’s kind of the problem when you name your horror movie THE MOST GENERIC NAME EVER.

Produced in 2013, for $10 000 dollars, by the Super Movie Bros, The Slender Man is also proud owner of the blandest IMDB page ever! Honestly, this thing just amazes me. Not ONLY is it a found footage movie, based on an internet meme, but it’s also entirely on YouTube! My god, what kind of angry deity did this movie piss off so much, it got kicked in to the waste paper bucket of history?

… Lets hope it’s not me, huh.

Ahem!

Our found footage film opens with a shot of someone setting up a camera before a game of catch with a little kid. Oh, great, as if Slender Man wasn’t NAMBLA enough. The… I’m going to say “son and father” play for a while in a forest clearing, until the boy chases the ball in to the woods. Well, I mean, come on. You’re in a Slender Man movie, stepping ten feet in to anything with wood is either going to result in a quick tentacle raping, or you’ll get tossed out of the gay strip club.

We get our credits, which is comprised of stock footage of woods, until we cut to two people driving over for something involving dead dads. Charming, it’s like somebody made “My Life. The Major Motion Pictures”. The guy is in a fancy suit, and the girl is toting a camera around to film the funeral, because it’s about the most disrespectful thing you can do a funeral that doesn’t involve fucking it.

Fortunately, the guy convinces her to shut it off for most of it, and we cut to them clearing out daddy deadest’s house. It’s about as interesting as it sounds, and after that, they find out that his computer is full of news articles about kidnapped children. The… okay, I’m going to guess “brother and sister”, are confused over this, because their dad doesn’t write books about children, and- wait, seriously?! The dead dad is a WRITER, too?! This is my life, where the fuck is my royalty cheque?!

“Here, have a bag of money.”

Anyway, finding a file of kidnapped children, including a “how to guide”, is pretty damn weird, and the sister is determined to turn this in to a documentary. But the brother thinks it’s fucking stupid, and just walks out. Hey, think I just found a likeable character! The sister finds another file, titled “slenderman”, and after we see a list of Slender-sightings, we cut to a few days earlier. A man with a lumberjack beard is… talking to a tied up, blindfolded little girl in an abandoned basement?!

My “Slender Man, agent of NAMBLA” joke is gaining whole new dimensions.

Beardsly tells the girl that everything is going to be alright, leads her up in to a corner,and- uh oh, staticy sound effects! You know what that means! Yes, Slender Man nabs the scrumptious little brat in a burst of static, and… wow, is that really your Slender Man costume? I’ve seen better costumes in Tribe Twelve, and that series was shot entirely using a can-do spirit and a big moustache!

Our despicable Beardsly tries to apologize, but when he wanders out of the abandoned house, he makes the terrible mistake that everyone in the Slender Universe makes: He lives by the woods! Oooh, classic mistake. He wanders around a while, presumably because the script says so, until he finds a note on a rock.

“OLDER”

… Is… is he placing a fucking ORDER?! This isn’t a goddamn restaurant of little kids, Slendy! And even if it WAS, you know the rules! No shirt, no shoes, no obeying the dimensional constraints of the universe, no service!

He’s less “slender”, more “portly”.

And we cut to our next… character? Segment? Movie? I’m not entirely sure how this movie works. Anyway, our new guy is filming out of his skyscraper at dawn, presumably because it looks pretty, before walking through the hallway from Left 4 Dead: No Mercy, to a business meeting. He’s a private detective, presumably the one from V/H/S 2, here to talk to… a skyscraper daycare?

… We have those, right?

Anyway, our skyscraper day care volunteer lets the detective know about a missing boy, who was drawing Slender Man drawings shortly before her disappearance. Unfortunately, this is apparently NOT enough evidence to call the Ghostbusters.

The detective goes to the mother’s apartment to ask her a few questions, and also to ask her where her husband, Beardsly, is. Oh, and Beardsly turns out to be the father from the beginning! And also this segment takes place two days after Beardsly’s clip, and the same day of the sibling’s clip! Pay attention, there’s a fucking quiz later!

The mother insists that Beardsly is to blame for the kidnapping, even to the point of believing he falsified that video clip of him getting kidnapped. Jesus christ, lady, there is a point when blaming your dingbat of a husband goes a litttle OVERBOARD. “In fact, not only did he kidnap the kid and falsify the tape, but there never was a kid to begin with! That was him too!”

Annnnd back with the siblings! Holy hell, you just gave me whiplash. The sister has been studying the files, and is filing the brother in. Here, sing it with me now! “CREEPY GUY IN A SUIT IS KIDNAPPING LITTLE KIDS.” Seriously, small children in the audience have figured this crap out by now.

They find some record of the detective, and- wait, the detective? They say that he investigated a couple years ago, but- but the time stamp, and it- it said- the same year, and-

I think you just gave the space/time continuum a swirly.

“Duuuuude, stop iiiiit!”

The siblings head to… a local school, apparently, to look for the detective, but all they find is tall, dark, and jump scare himself. Seriously, all they do is drive up, jump scare, drive away.You… couldn’t afford to film inside the school, huh. On the drive back, the sister leaves a message for the detective, because TALKING ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING IS BOTH FUN AND SAFE!

We cut over to Beardsly hanging out at his kidnapping place, setting up various cameras, before heading out for a drive. And naturally, he slams right in to the driving montage from Manos: The Hands Of Fate. He drives to what I think is supposed to be the funeral home, before punching the car and driving off. Yeah, poorly chosen exterior shots piss me off too.

Beardsly calls his wife, and she tells him about how she just stuck a detective on him. So, he blows off steam the same way any of us would: Kidnapping another child!  Ah, yes, I remember the days when I would sit back, relax, and go chloroform a toddler!

I think my soul died a little, just from saying that.

THIS MOVIE MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

THIS MOVIE MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

One Response to “Tall, Dark, And Gangly: The Slender Man Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Movie That Time Forgot: The Slender Man Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 17, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Slender Man: Tall, dark, and tentacled himself has decided that kidnapping children himself is way too passée, so he nabbed Beardsley’s son and gotten the poor schmuck to do it for him. Jesus, even eldritch horrors are out-sourcing. Meanwhile, two siblings are investigating the detective who is investigating the kidnappings, because they’re trying to form a vast human centipede of detecting. […]

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