One Day Will Flash And Send You Crashing Through The Ceiling: Dark Touch Review, Part Two

21 Apr

You really have to love how much Hollywood hates little girls. I mean, even in Dark Touch, where the little girl ISN’T the monster, they still cover her in Veiny Willow make-up and plaster her mug on all the ads! Seriously, guys, it’s the same as a little boy. Only, you know. With a vagina

Fun Fact: 90% of this movie’s budget went to those novelty contact lenses.

Previously, on Dark Touch: People with unspecified relationships to Neve got fucked over by ghosts, and a baby got smothered to death, because TODAY IS THE HAPPY CHEERY FUN TIME REVIEW.


After the fire, some other people with an unspecified relationship to Neve discuss her familial relationships, which is just tandy in a movie with no chronology or exposition. Seriously, could we please get some nametags? Maybe labels? Hand out big signs? I’m just spit ballin’ here.

A “welfare officer from the school” (thank you, exposition at last), heads into the hospital to see Neve, who is kind of freaking out after the whole “locked in a small flaming box with a dead baby thing”. The welfare lady then pokes one of Neve’s burns, and yells at her for flailing in pain, because everyone in this movie who isn’t Neve or a dead baby is a fucking moron.

The welfare lady offers to help, and we cut to those random people with ill-defined connections to Neve, discussing how they shouldn’t get too attached to Neve. Turns out, she’s staying there for the time being. Also, it turns out that Neve despises everything around her with a flaming passion. Ah, I think I’m finally starting to bond with her!

Later, the woman of this new house, “Nat”, as her subtitles helpfully provide, wakes up in the middle of the night. She starts freaking out over some high pitched keening she keeps hearing, and checks out Neve. Who is, of course, staring dramatically out the window. Pssh, not even CLOSE to the creepy things I did as a little kid! (Which, of course, consisted of whispering “they’re heeeeeeeeeeere” to my parents in the middle of the night. I had issues. A LOT of issues.)

I also had pancakes, but that’s besides the point.

We cut to Neve at school, where they’re learning about swords because British schools fucking rock, and she has a staring contest with some creepy children. Well. The bright side, at least it’s not high school. Next, we see Neve talking to the welfare lady, who of course, immediately starts bugging her about the gruesome murder of her baby brother and family. Jesus christ, I haven’t seen such an incompetent counsellor since since Deanna Troi.

After that joyous incompetence, we cut to Neve looking through a photo album of people I don’t recognize. Gee. How exciting. Look, I’m not a fan of photo albums even when I KNOW who I’m looking at, so this has the relevance of… that Deanna Troi metaphor, I guess.  But in all of the pictures, Neve is covered in dark bruises, which I assume is unusual from her reaction. Well, I guess it’s better than that Lovely Molly thing, replacing all the pictures with horse heads. That was some foal play.

Neve decides, for no discernible reason, to go check on Nat giving… two kids a bath? Wait, there are OTHER kids in this house? Are they related to Neve? To Nat? Do they have NAME?! LEARN TO ESTABLISH THINGS, MOVIE!

Anyway, after they’re done, Neve takes a dip in the dirty bath water (thankfully fully clothed), which pisses off Nat to no end. “That is MY dirty bath water, bitch!” She drags Neve out, and then… starts scrubbing down the naked and weeping Neve?

Ghost, would you please?

Thank you.

The ghost hits Nat with a shelf, tosses some laundry around, and messes with the lights, while all the while, Neve sobs the tears of “you all be fuuuuuuucked”. But apparently, soap isn’t THAT big of a sin, because the spook just stops at that. Oh, come on, you smack-tease! If you’re going to punish, FUCKING PUNISH!

That came out wrong.

Later, at dinner, one of the other little twerps starts speedily running through plot details about how people confused Neve for his little sister Mary who died of cancer and used to be friend with Neve. Why, hello, foreshadowing, how are you this fine evening? Eventually, Nat and the twerps go on a beer run to the cellar, so the dad of the house and Neve have a little talk.

“So, how was the whole ‘locked in a flaming box with a dead baby’ thing?”

“It was cool, it was cool. How was the ‘baby dying of cancer’ thing?”

“Eh, can’t complain, can’t complain.”

Down in the cellar, the lights go on the fritz, and in the dinning room, a pitcher decides to commit high velocity suicide off the side of the table. And EEEEEEEE HIGH PITCHED GHOST NOICE AAAAAAAAAAH. It freaks everyone out, and the whole house starts tossing shelves and tables and chairs and fridges around. A moment of silence for the production assistants who had to clean all that up.

Nat and the kids are fine, and after the dad brings them back up, they see every single thing in the kitchen strewn across the floor. Why yes, lets blame Neve for that, because she can OBVIOUSLY tear apart an entire kitchen apart with her bare fucking hands in less than a minute!

Wait, can little girls actually do that?

One minute.


2 Responses to “One Day Will Flash And Send You Crashing Through The Ceiling: Dark Touch Review, Part Two”


  1. Without Them, What Would Little Boys Do? Dark Touch Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 22, 2014

    […] on Dark Touch: Neve, our bargain bin Alessa Gillespie, is being stalked by the most proactive ghosts in movie […]

  2. For Little Girls Get Bigger Every Day: Dark Touch Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 23, 2014

    […] on Dark Touch: Neve consistently kills people with her magic ghost powers, and everyone seems […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: