Without Them, What Would Little Boys Do? Dark Touch Review, Part Three

22 Apr

Just… just to be clear, do ANY of you know what those titles are referencing? Any idea at all?

Seriously? None of you?

You guys suck.

Previously, on Dark Touch: Neve, our bargain bin Alessa Gillespie, is being stalked by the most proactive ghosts in movie history. They’ve followed her over to House Number… Two? Three? Chronology, are you there?Anyway, ghost gon’ fuck things up.


We come back, to Neve walking down the streets in the middle of the night, humming “Mockingbird”. Aww, what a shame, I hoped she was about to leap in to the Eminem rap. She wanders around, probably passing the Trash Humpers, until she finds her way to an abusive mother, beating her children. Neve walks in, and apparently the ghosts had nothing better to do, because they pin the mother against the wall with a cabinet. Annnnnnnd of course, nobody has any questions about this. Why, of course, oak wood is often a spiteful bitch.

The kids beg her to take them with her, but Neve says “fuck that noise”, and leaves. But, apparently, that’s just because she doesn’t want to get blood on her clothes when the ghosts go to town, because after Neve steps out, the ghosts begin their “murder somebody using every single item in their house” routine. Only this time, the mother goes the extra step of still trying to beat her children while she’s getting murdered.

Jesus, lady, there’s “being a dick”, and then there’s “from hell’s heart, I bitch slap thee”.

After Neve gets picked up by her… new fatherish guy, I guess, in the middle of the street, we cut to the next day. The cops are questioning Nat and fatherish guy, apparently Lucas, because of the similar circumstances of “ghost fuckery”.

… Oh, and Neve’s fingerprints are at the crime scene. I guess that too.

Fingerprints: More conclusive than ghosts?!

Things are awkward around the little hellspawn for a while, because of the whole “accused of a boatload of homicides” thing, and Neve proceeds to stare sadly out of windows for a while. Eh, everyone needs a hobby. And of course, when Neve tries to play with all the other kids at school, they all react to her like, hey, you got tied to two massive gory murder cases, what’s up with that. Gee, it’s almost like someone can’t get away with murder in this country any more!

One of the parents convinces her kid to invite Neve to a birthday party, but that doesn’t stop the ghosts from rattling their sabres while she’s getting stressed out in class. Cracking the glass, shaking the knives, crumbling the ceiling tiles, and so on. But apparently Neve is smart enough to connect “shaking things” with “horrible murder”, and sprints out of the classroom. Aww, and I thought this movie was trying to keep it’s infant fatality rate going!

Neve runs off to the welfare lady, and tells her about how people tend to die when she gets upset, but the welfare lady just brushes it off. “Pssh, what’s that? You’re murdering people with your mind? Fuck that! Lets go get some tater tots!” They talk a bit, about normal life stuff, and totally not about being able to kill people with her mind. You can tell that’s not what they’re talking about, because the welfare lady then invites Neve to touch her baby-stomach.

And no, the second Neve touches it, it DOESN’T explode in a massive geyser of blood. Yes, yes, I was shocked too.

And disappointed.

Like this, but, you know. With vaginas.

Neve’s teacher, whom Neve keeps getting tense around, walks in and reveals that he’s the baby’s father, and… everyone just sits around and awkwardly stares at each other for a while, until Neve starts nuzzling the baby some more.

“Well, there’s a lot of unanswered questions here.”

You said it, welfare lady.

After Neve is done with that and leaves, the welfare lady and teacher guy postulate on the possible connection between the murder and domestic abuse. No, wait, the welfare lady muses, the teacher just says she should probably stop thinking, and leaves. OUR PROTAGONIST- wait, I take that back, I have no idea WHO the fucking protagonist is.

We cut to the Nat/Lucas household, where they’re finishing up dinner, in their trademark awkward style, and Nat forces Neve to hug her. Well. I can’t see THAT going badly. Annnnd cut to Nat and Lucas, dragging her back inside from one of her late night strolls! Wow, fastest foreshadowing payoff EVER. She’s screaming her head off, so Nat slaps her across the face and demands that she “just be a good girl”, so Neve… starts pulling her dress off?

No no no no no, whatever you do, don’t use that joke-



Neve falls silent after the slap, and Lucas decides that he’ll be the one to stay with her, to keep her from any more late night adventures. She starts whistling, and pulls out those pictures of the bruised girl that she took from the photo album. Which, it turns out, was Nat and Lucas’s daughter, the one who had died! And THEY DELIBERATELY MADE A POINT ABOUT HOW MUCH NEVE AND HER LOOK IDENTICAL SO THE FACT THAT I SAID THE PICTURES WERE OF HER WAS COMPLETELY OKAY AND LEGITIMATE YOU BASTARDS.

Lucas, naturally, freaks out at this, so Nat has to shush him away so he can talk to Nat. Wow, you know things are fucked up when the physically abusive one is the most rational one in the room. “Neve, these pictures are of our dead daughter, why would you take them?”

“I dunno, why would you let her die?!”

“… Neve, you do realize that real life isn’t like a video game, right? We couldn’t just hand her some more game tokens and get her back in.”

“Wow, that explains a LOT, actually.”

2 Responses to “Without Them, What Would Little Boys Do? Dark Touch Review, Part Three”

  1. Tim Hurley April 24, 2014 at 12:23 am #

    Points awarded for ‘Silent Hill’ reference.


  1. For Little Girls Get Bigger Every Day: Dark Touch Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 23, 2014

    […] on Dark Touch: Neve consistently kills people with her magic ghost powers, and everyone seems surprised that […]

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