For Little Girls Get Bigger Every Day: Dark Touch Review, Part Four

23 Apr

You know, I think I’m starting to see the errors in my “spend a thousand words per twenty minutes of film” master plan: It takes me a goddamned WEEK to get anything done! Seriously, you wouldn’t think “girl ghost-fucks abusive parents” would take me this long.

“Show me on this dark where he touched you.”

Previously, on Dark Touch: Neve consistently kills people with her magic ghost powers, and everyone seems surprised that she’s not the most popular girl in school. But she somehow got invited to another girl’s birthday party, because this movie is trying to keep it’s infant mortality rate going!


Neve shows up to the party, with her brand new creepy doll (insert JoCo song here), but it’s pretty clear Neve wants nothing to do with this collection of brats. Of course, Nat apparently thinks “forcing the traumatized child to do something she hates” is not nearly important as slapping a motherfucker, so she tosses her ass in regardless! Wow, even when she’s not being physically abusive, this woman has the parental instincts of a deaf polecat.

All the little girls are playing with their dollies under the hot sun, but either she’s in a birthday party with the Children of the Corn, or she’s having a psychotic episode. Regardless, all the girls start insulting Neve and staring at her, so she just lights all the dolls on fire with her mind. Hah hah, eat hot melting plastic, creepy British girls! Nat runs outside to help, but when the ghosts are a’rocking, the tables are a’knocking in to her and pinning her to the wall.

Neve calms down a bit, and after staring at all of the little girls, compels them to wander towards the fire. Well, obviously, they need to walk through the fire, and let it-

– burn, yes, I was just getting to that.

The other mom runs out and breaks the trance, so all of the little girls run inside, but somehow in the chaos, Neve disappears. Quick, in to the Terrible Mother Figure Mobile! Scour the country! Not a single little girl will be left unslapped with you on the job!

Eventually, Nat’s search ends with a simple fade to black, and we cut to her two other kids, waking up in the middle of the night to fetch some milk cartons. My god. The diabolic… ness? Diabolicocity? Diabolicipedes? Anyway, spooky shit. The duo gather up food and supplies, and meet Neve at the school, followed by… an entire mob of possessed little kids?! Did… did I miss something? Since when did this switch from Carrie to The Pied Piper Snapped?!

Neve leads all the kids inside the school, but the second they’re all inside, Neve and the two sibling-ish ones leave, and smash the entire building in to toothpicks with their minds. See, this is what happens when you don’t teach your children how NOT to wish someone in to a cornfield. Cut over to Nat, who is apparently STILL driving around the countryside, looking for Neve, and is finally checking her old house. And of course, that’s where she is! Because… I dunno, the set was cheap?

Nat follows Neve in to the parents bedroom, and after hearing a baby crying, as well as that high pitched whine that’s been following her around, she starts flashing back. Not sure to WHAT, mind, but she does the whole Wayne’s World schtick and everything. When she comes back, she chases Neve downstairs to demand answers, and gets fucked over by a ghostly end table for her troubles. Neve, naturally, starts lighting candles. Yeah, spoiler alert, this whole thing was just a PSA against incense.

After such a mighty… light tapping with the end table, Nat is crippled, and she tries to answer her phone to talk to Lucas, and despite Neve tossing the phone away, we cut to… Lucas is here! Gee, sure was important that they through THAT in there, I mean, if they didn’t, the movie would have been a minute shorter. Lucas demands answers, and slaps Neve across the face- Okay, goddammit, people, stopping bitch slapping the demigod. Ghosts, show them what I mean.


THANK you.

The ghosts smash a plank of wood on both Nat’s and Lucas’s hands and feet, and with them at her disposal, Neve… pulls off Lucas’s belt, strips naked, starts smoking a cigarrette, and grinds it out on Nat’s neck?

I think I like this new movie more.

Next scene, Nat and Lucas… are naked (why hello, random tit shot, how lovely to have you awkwardly shoehorned in today), in a bathtub of blood, getting scrubbed by their children. Well, you know, it was certainly nice of the movie to suddenly go BATSHIT FUCKING INSANE all of a sudden!

Suddenly, Neve is dressing them up again, talking to them like they’re her children, and next, she’s… brushing Nat’s hair with a knife? And before you have time to process that, it’s time for dinner! Make sure to wash your hands first, shoving any semblance of common sense to it’s knees and slapping it with your own cock tends to leave germs!

Dinner is, overall, an awkward mess, so Neve decides to lighten the whole affair up. No, literally. Billy Joel, think you can summarize this?

Yes, that’s right, the little motherfucker douses the whole affair in kerosene, and as the adults scream their last breath, she starts crying blood.

Okay, fine, I’ll do the joke.

Easiest. Joke. Ever.

So, that was Dark Touch! How was it? Pretty good!

I gotta say, I was surprised! Neve is a surprisingly good actor, in fact, all of the kids are, the ghost effects are good (and yes, Neve was totally possessed by the ghost of Nat and Lucas’s dead daughter, so I can totally fucking call them ghost effects, just try and stop me), and writing isn’t half bad- really, give it a watch!

Also, seriously, people, stop bitch slapping little girls. They tend to have super powers.

One Response to “For Little Girls Get Bigger Every Day: Dark Touch Review, Part Four”

  1. Tim Hurley April 24, 2014 at 12:19 am #

    Tried switching it up today, and reading part four out of sequence from the rest. Turns out ‘fucked up’ applies to all parts of this movie, regardless of order!

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