Nightmare Moon Versus The World: My Little Pony, “Friendship Is Magic” Review, Part Two

30 Apr

Welcome back to our My Little Pony review, and- BAM MORE PONY PORN.

Aaaaaaand you can no longer maintain an erection! You're WELCOME.

Aaaaaaand you can no longer maintain an erection! You’re WELCOME.

… Yeah, sorry, but I figured you’d want to get a clear view of what you’d be getting in to right off the back. Anyway! Back to reviewing the first two episodes of My Little Pony!

Last episode, on My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic: It’s the thousand year anniversary of the imprisonment of Nightmare Moon, the pony-queen of darkness, and now that she’s on parole, has come to Ponyville (ugh) to fight Princess Celestia’s seven evil exes!

Ahem!

After we get our own “previously on segment” (GODDAMMIT THAT IS MY THING), we get back to the episode. Nightmare Moon makes for the exit, despite the fact that, you know, she has ultimate fucking power. What, didn’t want to scuff up your hooves?

Twilight Sparkle heads back in to her library to start researching how to deal with Cthulhu-Pony, and the rest of the gang- you know, Rainbow Goth, Blandity, Alduin, Brokeback Pony, That Buttery One, and The Pink Abomination- all gather around to help research. They find the book about their magical MacGuffin, which tells them that the “Elements Of Harmony”, whatever the fuck they are, are in the Trademark Dark Spooky Forest. Of fucking course, why wouldn’t it be.

One dissolve later and the whole gang is there, and Twilight Sparkle tries to tell them to very diplomatically fuck off. But of course, friendship is better than sex, so Brokeback tells T.S. that she’s stuck with them. Oh, right, I forgot the second moral lesson of this show: Brokeback Pony wants to ride T.S like a bedside carousel!

… Ahem.

As they wander the spooky haunted forest, Rainbow Goth tries to spook them with a scary story, which causes the entire mountain to fall down. Well. That’s what happens when you sin against God, ponies, he smites you, I hope you’re happy.

Rainbow Goth, Brokeback, and the Buttery one save everyone, which is so nic-

“RAAAAAAAAAWR!”

… Oh. Right. It’s the next challenge. Could we maybe have a little breathing room between the forces of Satan, pretty please?

This time around, it’s a manticore, who manages to kick everyone’s ass, until the Buttery one pulls a thorn out of it’s paw. Yes, little known fact, paws are actually weak points for massive damage! After everyone leaves, it turns out that the thorn was really Nightmare Moon in disguise, and she rushes ahead to set up the next problem. Annnnd it’s a series of demonic trees. Okay, who’s turn is it to save the team this time?

The Pink Abomination?

Okay, hand me the suicide gun.

What’s that? She’s saving the day with a musical number?

Okay, hand me the Pony Killing Gun.

They sing the trees away (… moving on), and our next trial is a raging river and a whiny river dragon. Okay, well, seeing as it’s Blandity’s turn, and her only personality trait thus far is being prissy, the dragon is of course being whiny about his physical appearance. Sigh. Resolve the plot in one, two, three… moving on!

Next, they find the ruins where the “Elements Of Harmony” are stored up, and Rainbow Goth flies across a gap to tie a bridge for the others, and Nightmare Moon plays up some illusions to try and convince Rainbow Goth to go all evil. And, of course, it works and Rainbow Goth kills the whole team-

Hah hah hah, just kidding. Sadly.

They make it in the ruins, and after they gather all the Elements together, Nightmare Moon steals both them, AND Twilight Sparkle! And she takes them to her dastardly hideout… five feet away. Gee. Nice try, but you kinda rolled a one on the whole “arch villainy” thing.

Twilight Sparkle tries to activate the Elements of Harmony anyway, but Nightmare Moon just bitch slaps her away and smashes the stupid crap. But, oh ho ho, you thought THAT could kill this plot? YOU HAVEN’T MET TWILIGHT SPARKLE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

T.S realizes that the team (sans Alduin, who’s not here, because we hate him… apparently) represent the Elements of Harmony, because of blah blah blah metaphor, and they all join together, and-

– Exactly, they nuke Eldritch-Abomination pony from fucking orbit! And then, just as they’re admiring their new fancy Elements of Harmony jewellery, Princess “Sit On Her Fucking Ass And Hope Everything Sorts Itself Out” Celestia shows up and claims this was aaaaaaall according to plan. Yeah, sure, you totally intended a momentary apocalypse to be solved by magic artillery strikes!

Turns out, Nightmare Moon isn’t evil any more, because, well, the Equestria Girls movie taught us that getting your fucking ass kicked turns you good again, despite all the ruptured organs! They throw a party, everything’s happy, and we leave off with the Pink Abomination teaching us to hate again.

So, that was the first two episodes of My Little Pony! How was it?

Okay, fine, it wasn’t that bad. I actually kinda liked it!

Oh god, trying to approve of something HUUUUURTS.

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