Archive | May, 2014

In Space, No One Can Hear You Hump: E.T. The Porno Review, Part Three

31 May

Why the hell are any of you still reading this?! No, seriously, do you people just have THAT big a thing for alien boinking?! Because, if so, I think I’m going to need a restraining order against “People With Hard Ons For Zombified Halloween Costumes”!

Those eyes… THEY SEE.

Previously, on E.T. The Porno: Sex happened, and on an unrelated note, I am now completely incapable of feeling arousal!


Blondie, the Barber Shop Quartet reject, and my walking nightmare are still having their anatomically impossible sex. You know, really, I’m starting to really wonder, why the hell is this movie set in VICTORIAN times?! Did you stop by the costume shop for the souls of the damned to make your E.T costume, saw a sale on petticoats and hilarious impractical high heels, and just said “fuck it, I’m tired of life anyway, lets screw the space time continuum too”?

Finally, the Barber Shop guy orgasms all over her, and meanwhile, we get to hear the swinging piano music in the background! “Give us a song, you’re the Porno Man! Give us a song, tonight! ‘Cause we’re all in the mood for a gangbang! And you’ve got us feeling all right!”

E.T gets it’s fingers all up in her… business, and licks it, which causes a green light to suddenly appear! Wait, what? What just happened? And we cut to a similar green light in space, while that narrator from earlier says that human customs are weird? Did… did the movie just black out for a minute? And next thing you know, we cut back to earth, where suddenly everything is swathed in smoke! Oh, so THAT’S why this porno is so dreadful, it takes place in fucking Silent Hill!

When the smoke clears, E.T is gone, and it’s so shocking, that Blondie and the Quartet schmuck ALMOST stop boinking! And we cut to Blondie and some other Victorian lady, fondling and showing their bodies off to each other. Guh, please stop! You just KNOW there’s no way you’re getting the deposit back on those costumes!

(But, to be fair, I DO have a soft spot for ladies in Victorian dresses. My first kiss featured one! … Huh. That explains a LOT.)

Blondie starts calling for E.T, because… apparently she learnt it’s name, and after cutting away for a moment to see a bad moon rising, we cut back to the room filling up with smoke-

– And suddenly, E.T is back! … I assume. The smoke takes a long ass while to clear, so it’s like watching people fuck through a thick layer of Vaseline. Anyway, the new lady is apparently perfectly fine with this perversion in both a scientific and sexual sense, and they start boinking! Very awkwardly! While trying to stand perfectly still! Ladies, it’s sex, not a game of Red Rover.

Suddenly, two men in fancy hats show up, and kick Blondie out so everyone else can fuck! Ooooh, so that mouth hole in the costume is for DICKS! I assumed it was for lollipops!

… What? It IS a Halloween costume, right?

Anyway, they eventually move on to some new positions, and I suddenly noticed, the new lady is in a rakish tri-corn hat! So, what, after they’re done, she’s gonna go hunt some pirates? Or is the pirate hunting just foreplay? And WHERE IS THAT DAMN PIANO MUSIC COMING FROM?! Is the Michigan Rag in her vagina?!

Anyway, once THIS bout of sex is done with, we cut to Barber Quartet guy getting a blowjob from random curly redhead, all while E.T masturbates- WAIT YOU USED THAT SHOT OF E.T MASTURBATING BEFORE NO FAIR THAT’S CHEATING.

And of course, the soundtrack has changed once again! This time, the lady apparently has the Axel F. song in her vagina! Um. I’m no doctor, but you might want to have that checked out.

Anyway, they’re still going at it, which… you know, they seem in to. So, um. Good for them? And we suddenly cut to all of the cast saying goodbye to E.T! Aww, E.T is leaving our planet forever? I’m so sad over that, I can barely keep dancing!

So, that was E.T. The Porno! How was it?


Okay, look, if we completely ignore everything I’ve ever learnt about making a movie, the simple problem is just how criminally unsexy this is! There’s nothing interesting, or charming, or titillating! It’s just awkward and uncomfortable and nightmare inducing!

And the worst part is?





Close Encounters Of The Groin Kind: E.T. The Porno Review, Part Two

30 May

You know, I really think we can blame Star Trek for this thing’s whole existence. I mean, you get William Shatner mackin’ on a couple green skinned alien strippers, and next think you know, people are knockin’ down the door to bang anything that’s boldly coming!

I'm pretty sure that thing is just MADE out of venereal diseases.

I’m pretty sure that thing is just MADE out of venereal diseases.

Previously, on E.T. The Porno: Dude. It’s a porno. What do you THINK happened? E.T hopped on a chrome spaceship and travelled to Victorian Spain to watch people boink! And last thing we saw, some blond woman was pleasuring herself! GOSH I HAVE THE MOST GLAMOROUS JOB.


The blond woman, of course, keeps pleasuring herself to the sounds of an off-screen renaissance fair, until E.T. walks in, covered in smoke! Jesus christ, is the costume on fire? Can they actually breath in there? Anyway, the woman naturally starts screaming her head off at this unholy abomination, but E.T says no no, it’s all cool, I just want to touch your tits.

… There is NO WAY that actually works.

The blond woman, for some reason, agrees to get fondled by this insane mockery to all that’s decent and good in the world, and… she actually seems in to it! She… even goes so far as to fondle it back? And then she starts suckling it?!

… Lady, that thing looks like food poisoning got up and started walking around. Stop putting it in your mouth and CERTAINLY STOP EATING IT OUT OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?! Annnnnd more importantly, where is the funky porno music suddenly coming from? What, did you suddenly close the renaissance fair?

Next up on the menu is fingering, and seriously, lady, you’re really going to let it put a FINGER in you? If it’s anything like my old Halloween costume, it falls apart under the slightest bit of pressure! You’re going to be pulling bits out of yourself for WEEKS!


While E.T. and the blond woman are going at it, the dapper man who fucked the Victorian lady earlier and his friend in a barber shop quartet hat come in, and are somehow immediately okay with E.T. and it’s mission to fuck every thing in the world! GOD BLESS YOU, E.T, YOU’RE ON A HOLY MISSION.

Anyway, the dapper guy figures, eh, we already saw him fuck once, so lets give the new guy a shot! Barber shop quartet hat and the blond lady start boinking, and meanwhile, E.T… just stares. Just sits a foot away… and stares unceasingly… at their groins…

… I think I’M starting to get performance anxiety, and I’m not even there.

E.T. starts stroking Blondie, because it’s the only thing it could do that’s creepier, until the guy decides, you know what, I’m in E.T. The Porno, I want to fuck a goddamn alien! And he does so, in a position that… that… okay, seriously, that’s not even a position. It’s like I’m watching M.C Escher going at it.

Annnnnd yeah, now I’m just watching a bunch of people fuck. One of whom is in a costume made out of garbage bags, spoiled beef jerky, and the shame and failed dreams of little orphan children with terminal diseases. Holy hell, I never knew you could make sex so UNAPPEALING! I’m a goddamn teenage boy, and the only time I’ve thought LESS about sex is during… is while I…

Actually, no, there’s NOTHING less than this. This… this is the bottom. This is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the HOLY BUTTERY TAP DANCING COCKS WHY THE HELL AM I REVIEWING THIS?!

Yes, This Is A Thing That Exists: E.T. The Porno Review, Part One

30 May

That’s right, we’re finally getting to one of the movies that I wanted to review from the day I started this site.

We’re finally reviewing E.T. The Porno.



Yes, this is a goddamn thing that exists! Released in Spain in 1996, under the title Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische, the E.T. Porno is a real goddamn movie, because apparently there’s an audience of alien fuckers large enough for it. Seriously, look at that picture again! Who the HELL wants to get their genitals anywhere near that abomination?! SPAIN, APPARENTLY!


Our… abomination for today opens with a female E.T, in… hell, apparently. Seriously, why is everything red? Anyway, a dubbed narrator pops in and asks the hideous alien whether or not she’d be ready to face all the “badness” and strange situations of Earth, which she says she is! In a voice about twenty octaves too goddamn high! What, is the alien actually a squeak toy, or will people be putting their dicks in to a helium balloon?

Anyway, the alien launches out it’s spaceship and makes it to Earth, where all of a sudden the chrome tassels on the ship start flashing, we zoom in, and next thing we know, E.T is on Earth! Good god, these special effects. Not only does E.T. look like the Witch from Left 4 Dead wearing garbage bags, but the spaceship looks like a tinker toy got shot up with gamma rays!

Now that E.T is on Earth, she… he… it, whatever, wanders around the foggiest town ever, and we cut to… a Victorian couple, having tea?! Wait, the fuck?! This is all taking place during the Victorian era?! I…. I don’t even… WHAT?! 

But hey, at least we’re finally at the fucking! I mean, hey, 6 minutes in, and I almost stopped being ROCK HARD. The Victorian couple start going at it, and, sure, maybe the guy’s dick is about the exact size and shape of a marshmallow peep, but at least they’re enjoying it! Annnnnd then E.T shows up in the doorway to stare at them while she gives him a blowjob.

… May I remind you, this is what E.T looks like.

… Really, that man should get an award for maintaining an erection in the same room as that thing. Hell, I’m pretty sure mine just became an inny.

Anyway, the two Victorian Spaniards are going at it while E.T watches- jesus, not an sentence I expected to say today- and REALLY, you two? Could you at least PRETEND to be in to this? That’s not a facial expression that says “I appreciate your penis on a fundemental level”, that’s a facial expression that says “pass me a magazine and tell me when you’re done”. I’m pretty sure all E.T is learning is how to fake an orgasm! In fact, lets cut back over to her- oh. She’s masturbating. And moaning. And her moaning sounds like deep frying a tribble.

Did I mention I’m considering on becoming a nun? Oath of celibacy sounds like a day at the fucking spa right about now.

Back with the Victorians, he’s apparently done with her vagina, and moves on to fucking her ass! Yes, thank you, we really needed an extreme close-up, we had no idea what an ass looked like till now. E.T, with it’s dead eyes, vacant expression, and constantly gaping mouth, wonders what it’d be like to join them. Well, lemme tell you: Dry, chafing, and with all the eroticism of the Burger King.


The Victorians switch positions from “awkward and uncomfortable” to “human bodies are not supposed to bend that way”, and resume the… well, in any other occasion, I’d say “festivities”, but this seems like kind of the diametric opposite! Like, it’s some concerted effort to remove every bit of happiness in the world. Like if Trash Humpers actually showed penetration! Or if my ever lasting nightmares were finally made flesh! You know, like that!

After once again bending the woman in to a position a trained gymnast would wince at, the man is finally done and orgasms all over her in face in… what appears to be slow mo! My god, this guy just fucked the space/time continuum in to submission! My god, his dick must taste like bosons!

E.T wishes he could give it a shot again, and we get some Victorian sounding music, presumably gotten straight out of the “no copyright* bargain bin, and we cut to a woman pleasuring herself!

… You know, it suddenly occurs to me, my mother might actually be reading this.


No No No Nomegle

28 May

Well, I think it’s finally time to get back to looking at things on Omegle!

“role play: you wake up in equestria girls naked and twilight sparkle is in bed with you what do you do”

Annnnnnd I quit.

Two Is A Crowd, Three Is Homicide: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Four

28 May

Okay, lets get this atrocious, unpleasant, yellow tinted piece of crap over and done with! Oooh, I’m so excited to never have to think about evil lesbians ever again! Lets not waste any more time, go go go go go!

I really hope this picture isn’t copyrighted, or I am SCREWED!

Previously, on Breaking The Girls: Alex and Sara have made other people’s lives a living hell, and have finally settled on making EACH OTHER’S lives a living hell! Alex framed Sara for both the murder of her dad, AND Sara’s arch-enemy, and gotten her in trouble with the fuzz! And meanwhile, the entire fucking movie is tinted yellow! Seriously, is that a thing? Do lesbians bend the colour spectrum around them? Someone should check on that.


After Sara gets arrested, Alex talks with Detective Ross, and tries to paint a vast series of lies and falsehoods to prove that Sara was CLEARLY the killer! And Ross, to her credit, wears a look on her face that says, “What the fuck is even up with this crazy white chick”.

I like her!

Eric (STILL NOT ME) meets up with Sara, and she tries to tell him… NINA AND ALEX ARE TRYING TO FRAME SARA!

DUN DUN DUN- wait a second, that was obvious. Never mind!

We cut to Nina showing up to the police station to see Sara, and we cut to her and Alex getting cuddly in one of their various mansions and drinking wine. (Fucking 1%.) Nina leaves for more wine, which means that Alex can check her phone while she’s gone and see Sara was texting her about talking together! Which I’m sure would be a shocking plot twist if I still cared about life!

Launched in to a paranoid fit by this revelation, Alex starts ranting to Nina about how she and Sara are setting her up, because you know, this movie didn’t have enough scenes of the fucking psychotic bitch! Annnnnd now they’re starting to bang. Through their… underwear, somehow, and the angle is just off enough to make it look like Nina is eating her out through her… bellybutton! Um. Maybe I was doing it wrong, but I’m almost certain the way to a girl’s heart and parts beyond is not the belly lint.

A picture of lint, because I CAN’T SHOW THAT OTHER STUFF YOU PERVS.

Sara’s old professor gets her out of prison for the time being by the power of “fuck you that’s why” and we cut to Eric and Sarah naked in bed. This… this movie is, like, 90% smut, huh. Which, really, you’d think would be a boon, but it’s kinda hard to get turned on by the most UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS SINCE… ever, actually.

Alex sees another text between Nina and Sara, setting up a place to meet, so Alex stalks them in her… sports car? While smoking weed? Jesus tapdancing cocks, you are TERRIBLE at this. Anyway, afterwards, Alex calls Sara to set up their own rendezvous, and… Sara shows up?!


Sara shows up and convinces Alex to a new murder plot: Get Nina to sign over half the estate, then kill her! Which… she agrees to! Because Alex gets antsy if she hasn’t killed someone in the last ten minutes, I guess. And somehow, Nina agrees to sign over half of the estate, even though Alex could not be a worse actor if it was fucking Torgo in a push-up bra!

Nina signs the estate over, and when they get in to their car, Sara pops out of the backseat with a revolver! And she doesn’t say a word, she just kind of… sits there. With a gun. While Alex and Nina try and sort out their relationship issues. Most awkward. Family reunion. EVER. But THEN it turns out that this was all an elaborate plan to get Alex to confess her crimes to Detective Ross, who was listening over a wire! OH SNAP BITCH YOU DONE BEEN OUTFOXED.

*drop mic*

Alex is arrested, Sara is free of all charges, Nina gets to walk, we cut to Sara, Eric, and the old professor making a dinner together, all is well! Even though… there is still ten minutes to go. Um. What, is the last ten minutes just going to be everyone sitting around and enjoying a nice spring salad? Eh, better than the rest of the movie, at least.

We cut to Sara telling Eric that she needs to go to her aunt’s place to… spend the last ten minutes, I guess, and then we immediately cut back to Eric, this time at the bar! And that annoying guy from the beginning, the one who hit on Alex and got shot down by Sara? He shows up and tells Eric that he only did that because Sara paid him to ooooh shiiiii-

Eric shows up to Sara’s aunt’s place, only for Sara’s aunt to tell her that Sara never showed up here, and then she reveals that Sara had a sister, and that sister is Nina, and IS THIS FUCKING SHOCKING REVELATION THEATRE ALL OF A SUDDEN?! JUST END ALREADY!

We cut to Sara and Nina at a motel, with them talking about their evil scheme and how they’ll take over the world or whatever, before cutting back to Eric getting an email from Sara. They’re going to visit the place where Alex’s dad (or someone with the same jowls, look, I stopped caring a while ago) dumped her corpse while they watched. Annnnnnd the movie ends! Goodnight, kids! Evil wins!

So! That was Breaking The Girls! How was it?

Not good! Not very goddamn good!

The whole thing is just unpleasant! Unpleasant writing, unpleasant characters, unpleasant scenes, unpleasant yellow fucking tinting- it’s just a pain to go through! EVEN LESBIAN SEX SCENES DON’T SAVE THIS FILM!

Which is SAYING something.

Murder Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Three

26 May

Ah, yes, the thrills of young love! The romance, the excitement, the deranged homicide!

You know, I’m starting to think this movie is almost kind of weird.

There are probably other images of this poster I could use but SHUT UP I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.

Previously, on Breaking The Girls: Alex and Sara’s plan to be as obnoxious to everyone around them has ascended to the point of Alex straight up murdering Sara’s enemy! Well, congrats, you have done absolutely nothing to make me sympathize with these people. Why am I watching this movie, exactly?!


After Alex wakes Sara up, she shows her Brook’s bloody necklace, and I’m sure it’d be more dramatic if, you know, everything wasn’t covered in green light! Seriously, is this scene taking place on the fucking Borg cube or something? Sara says she’ll call the police, except that Alex made sure that she has no relation to Brook, and she wore Sara’s shoes to the murder, AND after Sara takes the necklace, her fingerprint is on it! Um. You’ve gone from “trying to hide a murder” to “trying to frame a murder on your girlfriend” in about ten seconds flat, I think you broke a new record.

The cops show up- well. One cop, some woman named Detective Ross. (Seriously, could the cops only afford to send one woman? Fucking budget cuts.) Anyway, Detective Ross points out all the myriad of reasons why she was obviously the killer, including NOT HAVING A FUCKING ALIBI. Yeah, hey, Alex, nice goddamn job making sure that YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST AT THIS.

Alex tries to come in and give Sara an alibi, but Ross makes it very clear that she sees right through it. And then she eats a muffin. A very badass cop muffin, of course. Sara tells Alex she’s moving out, and we cut to Brook’s funeral. Oh, yeah, the murder suspect showing up to the funeral, that couldn’t raise any eyebrows. Unless… you’re planning on moving in with the corpse, I guess.

After the funeral, Alex starts mouthing off about how much she hated Brook RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FUCKING FUNERAL. I- just- gah- you are so fucking bad at this! She slips Brook’s glasses in to Sara’s pocket, talks about murdering her step-mom Nina some more, and leaves. What, NOBODY inside heard that? Nobody at all? Huh, who knew that corpses acted as a fucking soundproof bubble.

That’s… actually really creepy, now that I think about it.

Detective Ross offers to help Sara some more, which she doesn’t accept because we still have half an hour of run-time to go, and we cut to her talking to Eric about all of this. And of course, he tells her to GO TO THE GODDAMN COPS, which she doesn’t, because… fucking reasons, look, I don’t know, her crazy ass and Alex’s crazy ass are freaking meant for each other.

We cut to Alex looking despondent on a stoop and flashing back to making out with Sara. And… then we cut back! Why yes, that certainly was important, huh. Anyway, we cut back to- Sara and Eric in bed together?! Wait, what the cock?! Did you just… you… I… did talking about murders just get you so fucking horny that you had to work it off?! THIS MOVIE IS A TEN PIECE BUCKET OF COCKS!

They research Alex’s family a bit, and come up with ideas and plots about Alex’s dad killing Alex’s mom, before Alex calls them on every single phone in the house simultaneously to get Sara home. Jesus tap dancing christ, apparently Alex has a network of agents, ready to stalk her girlfriend at any time!

Sara gets home, and Alex is all pissed off and angry and psychotic, but Sara knows the key to any good relationship: Offering an apology while you finger her!

… I’d make a joke, but I’m pretty sure that’d work.

Apology accepted, Alex shrugs and hands her a gun and says hey, time to slaughter my step-mom! Gee, she switches her libido off and on at the drop of a hat. During Sara’s drive to Nina, we see someone (dun dun duuuuun) calling up Detective Ross! And what does Sara see when she gets there? ALEX’S FATHER, STABBED TO DEATH! AND THEN SHE’S ARRESTED FOR THE MURDER!

Oh, now I can do this for real!

(You know, I don’t know why she’s so surprised, it says “betrayal” right there on the poster.)

(Also, fun fact: You know why I’m stretching this movie review out for so long? Oh, it’s not because the movie is long, it’s because T god, I could be watching E.T: The Porno right about now… why the fuck am I not watching E.T: The Porno right about now?!)

Breakin’ It Down, Funky Fresh: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Two

25 May

… Why did I pick this to review? A gay thriller about two women being insufferable dickbags? WELL THAT SOUNDS RIGHT UP MY GODDAMN ALLEY NOW DOESN’T IT.

No, they’re breaking ME instead.

Previously, on Breaking The Girls: Two obnoxious women, Alex and Sara, proceeded to be completely obnoxious and pretend that the whole world is about them! OUR PROTAGONISTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.


After Sara pops outside and runs in to Brook, she’s still pissed off at the whole “get her kicked out of school” thing, and starts threatening her. Yes, that’s a GREAT idea. You ticked this lady off once, and you got fired. Twice, you got kicked out of school. Next, I’m pretty sure she’ll hide a bear trap in your fucking tampons!

After snarking off, Sara meets up with Alex for a “falling in love montage”, which I’m sure would be romantic if I gave a fuck! Look, you have given me ZERO reasons to care here! I’m sorry, but there is just nothing! I have never cared less about what is going on in the movie, and the fact that they steal chips and bear from a convenience store during the montage, oh yeah, that’s totally making me invested in these fuckwhistles.

They end up heading to Alex’s old mansion- wait, what?! This lady is so fucking set for life, she has MULTIPLE mansions?! FUCKING ONE PERCENT! Anyway, nowadays it’s her step-moms, and they check out the big pointy weapons room and Sara accidentally cuts herself, so Alex… sucks her blood?!

What is wrong with this movie?!

They stop by the mansion’s pool and Alex just casually mentions, oh yeah, my mom drowned herself in this pool. Gee, you know, introducing your girlfriend to a tragic death scene is something you save for a third date, AT LEAST. Annnnd we’re back to the love montage! Which ends with… them making out on a trampoline! Okay, you know what, I will forgive this movie so hard if they end up fucking on that thing. I can’t tell if the bouncing would make it better or WAY BETTER.


Alex’s dad and step-mom get home and start giving Alex the riot act for, you know, randomly showing up while they’re not home and making out over everything they own. I KNOW HOW UNREASONABLE OF THEM. The step-mom even goes so far as to say Alex has a victim complex! WHY I NEV- nope, can’t even fake it on that one. WHY ARE THESE FUCKERS OUR PROTAGONISTS?!

Alex and Sara head off to bed (wait, didn’t they say they’d just be “friends” last night, when the hell did they decide to share a bed?) and before they doze off, they start plotting to murder each other’s antagonists. See, if Alex murders Brook and Sara offs the step-mom, Nina, nobody will be able to figure it out! Well, of course nobody would figure it out, unless, you know, THEY HAVE A FUNCTIONING GODDAMN BRAIN CELL!

Sara wakes up in the middle of the night to see Nina and the dad fucking (… yes, very important that we saw that, thanks), before we cut to Sara taking her stuff to go move in with Alex! And she runs in to Eric (not me, I’m Erik) who tells her that he and Brook broke up. Annnnnd then they make out! Right in front of Alex! Jesus christ, you people, keep it in your goddamn pants for ten goddamn seconds. Or… keep your tongues in your mouth, I guess.

We cut to Brook, swimming in the pool with her friends, until they leave and she swims around a bit before the suspenseful music starts playing. Yes, that’s right, half an hour in and the plot has finally started! Oh DARN, I was hoping this was just going to be lesbian porn! Alex walks in to the pool, flips the light off, and does… something off screen, and next thing we know, Brook is dead!

Yowza, murder! That’s pretty serious, Alex. Just, whatever you do, make sure not to tell anyone!

“Hey, Sara, wake up! I have GREAT news!”

… Goddammit Alex.


… Something Super Important

24 May

Yes! Um. Right. I… er, I can’t write a post today! Because… um. I’m busy… fighting crime! I’m a super hero, and in my off hours, I fight… Satan. Yes, can’t write. Because today, I’m doing something super important! Fighting Satan! And crime! See, Satan was boosting radios to pay for his crack habit-

[Editor’s Note: You just don’t want to finish reviewing that film, huh.]


You Break It, You Bought It: Breaking The Girls Review, Part One

23 May

Pssh, looks like I’m finally breaking out of the “horror movie reviewer” niche! That’s right, as of today, I’m a THRILLER movie reviewer!

Hey, wait a second…

Seriously, I’m sticking to it: Thrillers are just horror movies that know somebody.

Okay, maybe I’m selling Breaking The Girls a little short. I mean, after all, according to that poster, it has… um. Well… there’s… a title, and… um… lesbians? Yeah, there we go, I’m watching “Lesbians, The Major Motion Picture”!


Our movie opens with sparkly credits, over shots of… someone dragging the body of a woman in her underwear past two little girls before dumping it in a pool. Well. It’s nice to know that this movie wasted no time to get batshit fucking insane.

Now that that random… thing is over with, we cut to a class full of pretty twenty somethings studying law. Oh, great, not only are they twenty somethings, they’re twenty something LAWYERS. And why in cock’s sake is everything tinted orange?! Is the sun going fucking nova off screen, or did an Orange Crush flood roll through here?!

Sara, one of the interchangable blond ones, leaves class to go to her job as a bartender, where she runs in to a charming student who… everyone calls a jerk because he decides “lets get naked” is the greatest of pick-up lines. Which… actually would probably work on me.

Sara also meets Alex, a “charming” young woman who insists that they have a night out on the town after she gets off work, which Sara tries to deny, but still ends up driving Alex home anyway! To be fair, Sara is just doing it because Alex is utterly tanked. And also to be fair, daaaaamn Alex you are smooth.

When they get to Alex’s house, Sara starts laying out her troubles: She has a thing for a game named Eric Nolan but his girlfriend was at the bar annoying Alex so the girlfriend, Brook, spotted Sara taking money from the tip jar so she ratted her out to her boss and got Sara fired and OH SWEET HOLY TAP DANCING COCKS I THINK I’M REVIEWING A CRAPPY TEEN ROMANTIC DRAMA! ABANDON THE FILM! WOMEN AND CRITICS FIRST!

Alex decides to make Sara feel better by… smashing things! Well. Who knew that the Incredibly Hulk turned in to a gay woman if he got mad enough. Speaking of which, they decide to pop by Alex’s step-mother/ex-girlfriend’s art show- I… what? She’s both your step mother AND your ex? Jesus, is she her own grandpa too?

And of course, once they get there, they proceed to do nothing but raise hell! Get drunk at the bar, get in a bitch fight with the step-mom, and even get Brook in a fight with Eric Nolan! Congratulations, your protagonists have done nothing so far but be incredible pains in everybody’s ass! We’ll be sure to sympathize with them, right after we’re done digging the shallow fucking grave!

Eric and Sara get Alex home, and she responds by dancing and making out with Sara, while talking about how “Eric won’t mind!”. Oh, yes, I totally fucking will. Is there a plot anywhere in here, or did somebody file gay porn in the thriller section again?

They all strip down to their skivvies and proceed to wake turns making out in the pool, until Eric eventually remembers, oh right, I have a fucking girlfriend, and he heads home with his tail between his legs. And speaking of things going between legs, Alex and Sara proceed to… yeah. The ol’ subterranean thumb war, as they call it.

[Editor’s Note: Wait a second, nobody calls it that.]


[Editor’s Note: Is… is that the new catchphrase now?]

Possibly. I’m waiting to see if I can fit it on billboards yet.

I’ll get a t-shirt deal. Maybe my own line of greeting cards.

The next morning, Alex and Sara chug down a gallon of “fucked if I know” hangover cure, and the two agree to remain friends right before Sara is called to her law school. Seems she’s getting kicked out, because Brook still harbours a grudge! Well. Yes. She would. You stuck your tongue so far down her boyfriend’s throat that it technically counts as a new internal organ. People tend to take that kind of seriously.

… Also, oh god. That mental image. I may never kiss again, or at least not without retching and keeping a scalding hot liquid nearby.

Transistor? I Just Met ‘Er!

22 May

Okay, well, lets see… I spend all this money on a big fancy PS4, I might as well find SOMETHING to use it for, instead of a big paperweight.

Eh? What’s that? Transistor? That DOES look like a cool game- plus, hey, I’m a fan of redheads! Okay, lets try it out!



If I could figure out some way to make an ongoing series about playing this game, by god, I would.