She Blinded Me With Science! Altered States Review, Part One

2 May

Oooh, this one’s been on the docket for a while. Welcome to the Altered States review, or as it’s otherwise known, “YES YOU CAN STOP REQUESTING THIS DAMN THING”!

“The most terrifying experiment in the history of science”? Eh, Doctor Insano could top it.

Seriously, it is bizarre how many times people have requested I review this, especially since I’ve never actually HEARD of this until then! Lemme see… Altered States… 1980 science fiction horror film… directed by Ken Russell- wait, according to this Wikipedia page, Ken Russell once made a movie called A Kitten For Hitler!

WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT REVIEWING THAT INSTEAD?!

Ahem!

Our movie opens with… someone wearing a fish bowl floating in a big pipe.

Well. It was certainly nice of the movie to not waste any time before going batshit fucking insane.

Doctor Beard is watching our little fish in the pipe and narrating about how most of the students they tested this on found it entirely exhilarating, so the doctor in charge, Doctor Jessup, apparently decided to take a dip in the Fish Bowl of +10 Science. Seriously, what the fuck are you even testing here? Trying to make the world’s best dunk tank? Finding out how long university students will sit in a bubble with a fish bowl on their heads if you tell them they’ll get tenure?

The boy in the plastic- er, copper bubble calls on Doctor Beard to let him out, and Jessup admits that he was hallucinating like a motherfucker, with plenty of religious allegory. Oh, I get it: They’re performing sensory deprivation experiments! (Well. Either that, or they’re getting ready to haze Aquaman.)

“Hey, dude, float in this big tube. No, seriously, it’ll be great.”

Jessup and Beard, done with a long day of pokin’ people in big jars, head out while they discuss the experiments. Turns out, they’re not actually doing this for any grants or exciting new discoveries- no no, Jessup just found this big jar and said, “eh, fuck it”, and decided this was mildly better than playing beer pong with it.

We cut to Doctor Beard at a party, discussing Jessup’s experiments on the altered states of consciousness (TITLE- TITLE- TITLE- DROP- DROP- DROP) until Jessup himself shows up. The local red-headed anthropologist strikes up a conversation with him, and of course, now Jessup is saying that he’s doing the experiments to investigate madness and schizophrenia. Annnnnnd one cut later, he’s telling her that he’s doing this to investigate religious experiences! Yes, that’s right, we have three different explanations for why he’d turn fratboys in to goldfish! Me thinks that jar knocked something loose in your jar!

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, was that a penis joke?]

What? No! No, I’m just saying he’s crazy- wait. What fucking thing are you packing that you think “jar” equals “penis”?!

[Editor’s Note: Well, I don’t mean to brag, but-]

MOVING ON!

Jessup decides to finish his little origin fiasco by asking if they can go fuck- wait, what? Didn’t you two just meet, like, ten seconds ago? And… she accepts?

Damn. He’s smooth.

We cut to- gah! I did NOT need to see this guy’s orgasm face! The two of them have completed their… well, I want to make a joke, but it really looks like the two of them enjoyed themselves very thoroughly, so, um. Good for you?

Anyway, now that he’s done sticking his grad student in to her tight jar, Jessup… immediately starts talking about Jesus? Do you do that after EVERY time you bang? Wow, man, was that a tube you were hiding in, or were you floating in your own personal closet?

But- wow, apparently she had such a good time, she’s perfectly happy talking about how his dad died and how he hallucinated religious figures! Holy fuck, how good WAS that sex? Dude, come on, gimme some hints! When she’s still in the mood while you’re talking about how you believe everyone is destined for pain and torment and a long protracted death by cancer, either she’s actually some kind of hyper advanced Realdoll, or your dick has three vibration speeds!

After they smooch some more, we cut to Jessup back in the tube, and he’s hallucinating, and… okay, it’s time for the Admire Our Ham Fisted Symbolism Power Hour! We have sky, fish, a green screen (wait, no, that’s just an obvious effect), his dead father, Jesus, a lot of Jesus, some extra Jesus, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

… Erm. Anyway! After Crucified Eyeball Goat flies away, we see… a different eye goat getting stabbed over a book, now it’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, now Jessup is raping Red- Okay, tell you what, movie, when you feel like making sense again, feel free to call me.

After Jessup is done with his Hallucination Happy Time in the tube, we cut to Red telling Jessup that they’re both going to be teaching at Harvard in September, and they should get married- WAIT, WHAT?! Either this movie forgot how establishing the fucking time frame works, or that sex was so damn good, her vagina spontaneously shot out a diamond ring!

… I apologize for that mental image.

Jessup tells her that he’s, you know, utterly bonkers, and she says that she knows, because “we’ve been sharing a bed for two months”. Hey, establishing things! There you go, movie! … I mean, it’s still pretty fucking stupid to get married after doing nothing but sex for two months, but at least this is NORMAL stupid, not “space is warped, time is bendable” calibre!

They discuss their sex lives for a bit, then some philosophizing, until Jessup just goes lah lah lah you totally didn’t say anything about getting married gonna go fuck with more schizophrenics. Dude. You’re so sleeping on the couch tonight.

… Oh, wait, that’s where they’ve been fucking. So… you’re sleeping in a bed? Anyway, I’m still pissed off you’re having more sex than me, so fuck both of you.

Jessup eventually makes nice and agrees to marry her, and we cut to Jessup and Red hanging out with Dr. Beard and family. Apparently it’s a few years later, because not only are Jessup and Red already married, but they’re apparently getting a divorce, and… they have a kid?!

… YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT! You can’t squirt out a kid in the space of a cutaway! You might as well just replace the damn thing with a sock puppet if it’s going to have this little effect on the damn plot!

Beard asks Jessup why he’s bothering to divorce the only woman desperate enough to accept his intense, unbelievable insanity, and the answer is: He is intensely, unbelievably insane! Well. Nice of you to clear that up, I guess.

They take everybody out to dinner, and of course when you get a party of teachers together, they proceed to academically masturbate for a while. I swear, half of the damn dialogue is whipping through masturbatory navel gazing, and meanwhile the audience sits there and wonders, “wait, is the entire point of this movie the directory haphazardly trying to prove that he is S-M-R-T?”.

Eventually, a drunk, pretentious, and Nihilist Jessup yammers about trying to find his true self, and we cut to Mexico. Yes, Jessup has gone to Mexico solely to find… drugs. Yes, literally, he’s hoping he’ll be able to get EVEN BETTER hallucinations than last time, so he’s gone all the way to Mexico to steal some psychotropic mushrooms. Yes, leave your gorgeous redhead wife who loves your quirks and gets incredibly horny when you talk about your cancer ridden father, so you can go to a foriegn country to get high.

AND YOU WONDER WHY PEOPLE CALL YOU CRAZY?!

Pictured: Less interesting than Mexican drugs?!

Pictured: Less interesting than Mexican drugs?!

4 Responses to “She Blinded Me With Science! Altered States Review, Part One”

  1. Bebo May 3, 2014 at 1:02 pm #

    Aaaaahahahahahaahahahahaha xD

  2. Tim Hurley May 3, 2014 at 11:05 pm #

    This guys sounds like the dude you want to have at your party. He’s seen some shit, knows where you can get the good shit, and the ladies love him. That doesn’t translate to any girls for you, but hey, at least you get a good story out of it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. And Now She’s Making Love To Me: Altered States Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 4, 2014

    […] on Altered States: Doctor Jessup, the utterly insane scientist, has taken to ruining his marriage and masturbating […]

  2. And Hit Me With Technology: Altered States Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 5, 2014

    […] Previously, on Altered States: We finally got down to the meat and potatoes of the film: Dr. Jessup, maniac extrordinare, has discovered that taking unbelievable amounts of drugs and locking himself in a small box will turn him in to a time travelling gorilla. […]

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