Darling, It’s Better, Down Where It’s Wetter: Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark, Part One

6 May

… WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS MOVIE EXISTED?!

Yes. Yes. YES.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark! It’s the third in the series of Mega Shark movies, who make a long line of movies that I’ve desperately wanted to spotlight but never got around to. Lets see, there was Vs Giant Octopus, which legitimately made a case for “the worst movie ever”, then Vs Crocosaurus, which featured slow motion crocodile combat and size shifting sharks!

Yes, this is a movie series that is slowly turning from “impossibly terrible” to “fucking amazing”, and I JUST HAVE TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS UP!

Oh, and also, they brought us this.

So put your trays in their upright position, and start getting married in two days, because we’re watching Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark, motherfucker!

Ahem!

Our movie opens with a shot of Alexandria, Egypt, while the movie proudly lets us know that this is an Asylum production. Which, of course, means that this is going to end with a Mecha Sharknado. Over in the port, a booze swilling poetry quoting captain is playing chess with his Egyptian sidekick. Why hello, Discount Quint from Jaws and… whoever was in that boring Rick Riordan book about Egyptians that I never read.

Suddenly, the boat starts shaking, and the two check out the massive block of ice they’re toting. Wait, you’re toting it through fucking EGYPT?! There’s your problem right there! The latest Mega Shark bursts out of the primordial ice cube, no worse for wear, and… smacks the ship so hard, it flies across the city and decapitates the Sphinx?

No words. Should have sent a poet.

We cut a montage of the world reacting to the Mega Shark attack, including economic collapse, global warming, a UN meeting, and… apparently Mega Shark ate Malta off screen. Dammit, why couldn’t WE have seen that, Malta needed to fucking pay for Final Justice!

… Okay, next movie, Mega Shark Vs Joe Don Baker.

We cut to a boat 20 miles off the coast of Hawaii, and deep under the boat, is a shark-shaped submersible, piloted by Nero, the high tech AI. And also down there is… Detective Kate Lockley, from fucking Angel?! Well, I guess we’re all set if it turns out to be a vampiric Mega Shark! (No, seriously, can David Boreanaz please play the shark? I wanna see Mecha Shark with a massive broody forehead.)

Seems the guy up-top is Jack, Kate’s husband, and he’s leading her and Nero through their paces. Because, yes, they’re getting ready to fight Mega Shark. By practising barrel rolls. But this practice will have to wait, because two squids have shown up for a cuddle session, so Nero engages “eel skin”, and fries the calamari! I… I mean, come on, guys, there’s such a thing as given me too much material.

Jack gets a call from the military, and Nero heads in. You know, for a company so notorious for their terrible CGI… the Mecha Shark actually looks pretty good! Kudos! Anyway, they’re called in to see Mecha Shark, Mark Two, which the military has been specifically designing at Pearl Harbour to kill GIANT MEGALADON SHARKS BECAUSE OH MY GOD THE MILITARY IS SO FUCKING METAL.

The General gives Jack and Kate the run down: Mark Two has a hell of a bite, “eel skin” over most of it’s body and titanium over everything else. Oh, and high powered warheads. Because fuck fish, that’s why. While they finish their preparations on their new toy, we cut to a random shot of the Mega Shark devouring a fishing boat, just to remind us that Mega Shark is a dick. Not literally, although “Mega Shark Vs Cock Shark” would probably also sell tickets.

We cut to Australia, where a girl with a cute accent, Sandy Cook, is interviewing a fisherman over the recent ban on fishing. His diagnosis: “Why can’t the Americans just use their technology to create a Mecha Shark and kill it?”. Well, OBVIOUSLY, it’s because America can’t create anything themselves! They’d have to get China to build the Mecha Shark!

Assuming the Mega Shark hasn’t eaten them too, of course.

Over with Jack and Kate, he’s nervous about sending her out there without having Nero installed on the new model, but she insists that she’ll be fine. (Finely chopped by shark teeth counts.) Over with the General, who is… on a boat, all of a sudden, he gets a call from Random Blond Scientist, who says that the Mega Shark will be… angry! WELL, WELCOME TO THE FUCKIN’ PARTY, LADY.

Finally, the military gets a call on the Shark Signal, and start toting out the Mecha Shark to make contact. Annnnd cue activation montage on the Mecha Shark, and for the second time, I’ve gotta give the Asylum props! This shark set looks GREAT! I’m going to feel ever so bad when they fucking trash it!

Finally, they make it to the Mega Shark, and the submarine that found the Mega Shark opens fire! And then… it explodes! Presumably because of karma! Or… did Kate accidentally do it? Or does the Mega have missiles? Anyway, the point is, destabilizing deep under water and exploding isn’t fun for anyone. Unless you’re Jerry.

Fuck Jerry.

Kate starts panicking, and the Mega only takes the time to slap the Mecha, presumably out of pity. But she can’t open fire any more, so she shrugs her shoulders and swims away, fin between her legs. Well, nice work, lady, first time in the driver’s seat and you kill over 300 of your own people. Hey, say what you want about the Mega Shark, but at least he wasn’t BLOWING PEOPLE UP!

Mega Shark: HUMANITARIAN AND LOVER OF CHILDREN?!

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7 Responses to “Darling, It’s Better, Down Where It’s Wetter: Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley May 7, 2014 at 11:23 pm #

    So, we’ll be getting all ‘The Little Mermaid’-inspired titles for this one, I take it?

    • averystrangeplace May 7, 2014 at 11:25 pm #

      That WOULD be a good idea… if I knew anything else about ‘The Little Mermaid’!

      My copy of the movie was glitched, so it always jumped from “Poor Unfortunate Souls” to the part where they skewer Ursula with the boat! Did anything else happen in that movie? Or can I just pretend it was Satanic deals, intercut with gruesome murder?

    • Tim Hurley May 7, 2014 at 11:31 pm #

      Pretty much. Little known fact about most Disney kid movies: they’re pushing a Satanist agenda. Don’t even get me started on the Director’s Cut version. Lot of drug use, underwater orgies, etc.

      ….

      ….

      Note to anyone reading this and / or Disney: I’m kidding. This is so much sarcasm. Please do not hunt me down.

      • averystrangeplace May 7, 2014 at 11:33 pm #

        “DISNEY CENSORSHIP DRONES ACTIVATED. DISNEY LAWSUIT CANNONS AT FULL VOLTAGE. TARGET WILL BE SUBJECTED TO TWELVE STRAIGHT HOURS OF ‘SONG OF THE SOUTH’, FOLLOWED IMMEDIATELY BY THOSE CELEBRITY CAMEOS IN ‘FANTASIA 2000’.”

      • Tim Hurley May 7, 2014 at 11:40 pm #

        See, ‘Mighty Ducks’ alternate ending. Messed up stuff. 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Six Million Dollar Shark: Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 7, 2014

    […] Previously, on Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark: … Seriously, just look at that fucking title. Oh my god. YES. Anyway, the world is once again beset upon the wrath of the Mega Shark, so Detective Kate Lockley, Jack, and Nero the AI have designed Mecha Shark, the world’s greatest defender! […]

  2. Look At Me Still Sharking While There’s Science To Do: Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 8, 2014

    […] Previously, on Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark: After Round Two, everyone who can pilot Mecha Shark is either dead, or like Kate, unconscious. So Nero the AI suggests that maybe HE can fight Mecha Shark! Well, sure, lets give GLaDOS a giant fucking shark, I can’t see a problem with that plan. […]

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