The Six Million Dollar Shark: Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark Review, Part Two

7 May

Fair Warning: This movie contains near LETHAL levels of shark. If you react adversely to any sharks or shark related media, well then, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?!

This image alone has killed ten people.

Previously, on Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark: … Seriously, just look at that fucking title. Oh my god. YES. Anyway, the world is once again beset upon the wrath of the Mega Shark, so Detective Kate Lockley, Jack, and Nero the AI have designed Mecha Shark, the world’s greatest defender!

Annnnnd the world’s greatest defender got his ass kicked in ten seconds.

Clearly, the design needs some work.

Ahem!

After Kate surfaces Mecha Shark, she’s understandably panicked over the whole “getting over 300 innocent people killed” thing, and Jack convinces her and the General to let him finally install Nero in the damn thing. Well. Yes, I expect the robot will work better when you finally install the… you know, robot! AND ENGAGE THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN MONTAGE!

Now that Jack has the Six Million Dollar Shark set up, Nero is back online! My god, his ability to perform a barrel roll will be INVALUABLE! Nero is full operational, and he’s picking up the tracer that they set on Mega Shark, so that means we’re BACK IN THE GAME, MOTHERFUCKER!

*put on sunglasses*

*slide across hood of the Mecha Shark*

*air guitar*

Over with Mega Shark, he’s trashing an oil rig and lighting the entire thing on fire, which he then jumps over while the sunsets in the background. Presumably in his quest to become the most metal thing ever, naturally.

Now that we’ve made sure the Mega Shark is still evil and all that, we’re back with the Mecha Shark. They’re diving, and Kate is once again wearing the standard issue Konami Laser Scope. Seriously, why is she wearing that stupid thing? Do you activate the Mecha Shark by screaming “fire”?

As they dive, Nero momentarily flakes out and stops answering, which is… more than a little worrisome, but there’s no time to worry about that, because we just found Mega Shark! Release the chum! Fire the torpedoes! MAN THE HARPOONS!

[Editor’s Note: … Mecha Shark doesn’t have harpoons.]

THEN I GUESS WE’LL HAVE TO GO BUY SOME WON’T WE.

A valuable part of any aquatic terminator!

As Mega and Mecha duel, the Mega Shark hides in a cloud of oil. Wait, a random cloud of oil? Yeah, it seems Mega Shark specifically took the time to damage the pipe in just a way to make the cloud, BUT leaving enough space for them to fix it! What a convenient shark! Anyway, they squish the pipe with the Mecha, close the leak, and somewhere, Captain Planet just orgasmed.

We cut to- oh god. A plane?! Run, you fools! Not ONLY are planes DELICIOUS to Mega Sharks, BUT THAT’S THE FUCKING AIRLINE FROM LOST! The Mega Shark jumps at the plane to devour it… and Mecha Shark jumps up AND PUNCHES MEGA SHARK RIGHT OUT OF THE FUCKING AIR!

I just orgasmed six times.

Back in the water, Mega Shark and Mecha Shark are duelling, and when Mecha fires a torpedo at it, the Mega just smacks in to one of the warships topside! Well. Fucking congrats, you’re terrible at this job. I think you’ve actually killed more people than the shark at this point.

Mega Shark dives in to the trenches to get away, and Mecha Shark follows in hot pursuit. Annnnd they immediately get buried in a Mega Shark land slide. Hah hah, as it turns out, piloting a massive behemoth directly in to a hole in the ground will only result in good things if by “hole” you mean “vagina”! And even then, probably won’t be too appreciated. I’d imagine a “massive behemoth” would be wicked uncomfy.

I don't even HAVE a vagina (as far as you know), and that makes my vagina hurt.

I don’t even HAVE a vagina (as far as you know), and that makes my vagina hurt.

They’re stuck, and Kate is knocked cold, but she and Nero are otherwise fine, and up topside, the military is mobilizing to deal with the Mega Shark. Because, you know, he keeps smacking their ships like an asshole. Get those planes in the air, sir! We’ll keep Danger Zone on standby!

Nero manages to figure out how to get out with the power of… math, apparently, and the ships being attacked by the Mega Shark call up the General to… taddle on the shark? Anyway, they know Mega wouldn’t attack an aircraft carrier unprovoked, so they figure they’ll just shut their high frequency emitters off and he’ll just go away. Annnnnd Mega Shark bellyflops the fucking ship in half.

My god! The unmitigated horror! All of the tragically lost lives!

Mega Shark is the ULTIMATE WRESTLER!

Anyway, they pop inside the Mecha Shark and find Kate still out of commission, so Nero suggests that HE take on the Mega Shark by himself! That… that sounds like a problem, but the only other people who know how to pilot the damn thing got bellyflopped, so eh, let HAL 9000 take it for a spin! Nothing can go wrong there! And then, we pop inside Kate’s head to see… her backstory, involving her and Jack’s newborn child’s immature death, followed by her descent in to alcoholism?

Anyway! Moving on!

Great, this movie has infant death, AND Mecha Shark punching Mega Shark out of the air! It’s the fucking mood swings of cheesy monster flicks!

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5 Responses to “The Six Million Dollar Shark: Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark Review, Part Two”

  1. Saansilt May 8, 2014 at 11:24 am #

    I did not like this movie one bit.

    • averystrangeplace May 8, 2014 at 11:41 am #

      Maybe it’s just the beneficiary of lowered expectations! I mean, after having to sit through Human Centipede 2: Abortion Edition, Hostel And The Amazing Technicolor Dick Heads, and My Little Marketing Plugs, something that’s just gleefully stupid is a freaking GODSEND!

      • Saansilt May 8, 2014 at 12:04 pm #

        That altered states movie tough.
        What.
        This seems like the asylum’s main monster series.
        Say are you going to see the new GODZILLA next week?

      • averystrangeplace May 8, 2014 at 12:11 pm #

        Oooh, right, I forgot that was coming up! I’ll definitely try and see it, but there won’t be a review till I can get my hands on a dvd! Otherwise, you get crap like my early reviews, with me struggling vainly to remember what happened in the damn thing!

        Yeeeeah, Altered States is… definitely a special case. If anything, I think I DOWNPLAYED how utterly insane that crap was.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Look At Me Still Sharking While There’s Science To Do: Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 8, 2014

    […] on Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark: After Round Two, everyone who can pilot Mecha Shark is either dead, or like Kate, unconscious. So […]

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