A Very Strange Frame: Strange Frame Review, Part One

12 May

Ladies and gentlemen, today I have a treat for you! Introducing… the world’s first animated lesbian themed sci-fi movie!

Staring… Claudia Black from Dragon Age, Tara Strong from Teen Titans and My Little Pony, Ron Glass from Firefly, Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show and Ferngully, Juliet Landau from Buffy, Alan Tudyk ALSO from Firefly, George Takei from Star Trek, The Original Series, Cree Summers from Danny Phantom, Claudia Christian from Babylon 5, AND Michael Dorn from Star Trek, The Next Generation! 

WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T I HEARD OF THIS MOVIE YET?!

… YES.

So, yes, today we’ll be looking at Strange Frame! And, just for the score, it’s a lesbian sci-fi about Morrigan, Raven, Shepherd Book, Dr. Frank N. Furter, Drusilla, Wash, Sulu, Valarie Grey, Commander Susan Ivanova, and Worf, hanging out. And apparently saxophones are involved.

So this is apparently a thing that exists! I don’t even know what the fuck is going on! But I’m excited to be a part of it!

Ahem!

Our bizarrely specific movie opens with a quote! “How fortunate are those who can frame the beauty of the strange.” … N- no, of course I’m not considering making that my new motto, d- don’t be ridiculous.

Then, we cut to a close up on a girl named Naia, who has a orange skin, green hair, and a big gem on her forehead like the world’s gaudiest target. Our narrator cuts in, informing us that Naia is her “love supreme”, but to understand why, you have to get her full story! Oooooor in other words, this is a story all about how, Naia’s life got flipped, turned upside down? And you’d like to take a minute while we hold in place, as you tell us how you became lesbian pirates from outer space?

Anyway, lets launch in to our sci-fi standard opening back story! In the 26th century, Earth was looking like something Wall-E would leave for being too depressing, and the tickets for getting on the “get the fuck out of here” flight cost a life of indentured servitude. And so they agreed, but a life of indentured servitude quickly became a couple generations of slavery, and on the oppressed colonies on the moons around Jupiter, people got reformed with genetic engineering to better work for a living! (Oh, so THIS was the Eugenics War that Star Trek kept going on about.)

Most of the modifications were sensible things, like radiation proof skin or fur to keep warm, and for Naia, she never got a choice in it. She was built for work, but despite the lifetime of slavery, she always dreamt… about being a song writer and freeing the slaves with the power of SONG!

… Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Anyway, we finally get to see our narrator, Parker, who lets us in on her back story. Basically, no genetic modifications, and she was middle caste, and she grew up on Ganymede! Oh, and she’s voiced by Claudia Black. JUST LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD BE.

Parker was playing her saxophone one day, when there was a riot as some slaves started to escape (thanks to some fortuitous hookers), resulting in Parker almost getting her ass laid out by the cops. Fortunately, Naia is here! Annnnd after getting saved, Parker thanks her by… staring directly at her crotch!

Oh, I officially LIKE YOU, movie.

Naia, in her stripperific outfit and mini-skirt, starts coming on to Parker, which… considering as she’s voiced by Tara Strong, is REALLY confusing my erection. Also, as they riot, Naia starts… singing? I… okay, I guess this is a musical now. (Not that I’m complaining, mind, it’s fucking Tara Strong, of course she can fucking sing!)

Seriously, if you ever find something Tara Strong CAN’T do, it’s a sign that it’s actually just her robot twin.

As they riot, we get to hear some future swears, including “fork” and “droog” (hey, waaaaait), until Naia gets shot. Parker drags her in to a building, only for Naia suddenly to suddenly spring up and slam her against the wall! Oooh, she was just faking it! Aaaaaand oh god, the sexual tension is… yeah, that is… definitely Tara Strong moaning in pleasure as Claudia Black grabs her ass, and they’re making out, a- and licking, and fingering, and…

… WEREN’T YOU PEOPLE RIOTING A MINUTE AGO?! Since when does sticking up against the man get people this horny?!

Anyway, while they’re busy with… THAT, Parker informs us that the next part of their plan involved two trash haulers: Grenman, the only captain alive who both sailed the South Pacific AND is voiced by Ron Glass, and Reesa, the first mate, voiced by Cree Summers, who also happens to be a virtual sex goddess!

Reesa! Reesa’s the virtual sex goddess, not Cree Summers! I- I mean, I’m sure Cree Summer’s is very good, but- SHUT UP OH GOD I’M BLUSHING MOVING ON.

Anyway, Reesa (who happens to look like a bat), and Grenman (who doesn’t appear to have feet), are scavenging a ship, until a guard ship shows up to arrest them for… littering? Look, they’re speaking in space lingo, it’s not important! What IS important is that the commander of the guard ship is Michael Dorn, which means that this is the closest we’ll get to a Star Trek/Firefly crossover until Joss Whedon pays my ransom!

Reesa puts on a sexy voice to swindle Commander Hilton over the com, while Grenman… goes to find wherever his feet ended up, I guess. The Commander tries to board the ship, but Reesa says, “Oh, no, that’s a terrible idea, we’ve been fucking for days, and the anti-gravity has just shot our juices EVERYWHERE. If you come on board, it’s like stepping in to a shower. Of my vagina.”

… I so wish I was kidding about that.

Anti-gravity goes NOT make for good sex!

She flies away, while moaning in to the microphone and grossing out Commander Michael Dorn and also me because I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT.  Holy fuck, that, put together with hearing Raven moaning, I’m pretty sure this movie is trying to kill my childhood. Anyway, we cut to Naia, writing a song on her tablet computer with a spoon while she cooks. Oh, PLEASE, we already saw her bang, why would you think we need to see her SPOON!

[Editor’s Note: You’re terrible.]

SHUT UP THAT WAS GREAT.

Anyway, Parker shows up to give her some cilantro, and establish that they’ve been living together a while, before jumping back in to the narration. Turns out, they used to be the hardest working magicians on Ganymede, and even had a high paying job! “Had, being the operative word.”

Um. Wait, weren’t they wanted fugitives a minute ago? Did they just… give up on that part? I swear, worst evil dictatorship ever. 2/5 stars, would not be oppressed again.

Anyway, we cut to their job at the club with a musical number! And as much as I want to riff on the movie for out of place these seem, they ARE actually good songs. I mean, Tara Strong is a good singer, and I’ve always had a soft spot for saxophones! So… damn. I HATE it when I have to be positive. Tastes like how I always imagined a healthy sex life would feel!

Once the show is over, Parker and Naia share a romantic moment in the back of the  club, and of course, any romantic moment is immediately followed by a sexual one! They strip down, rub against each other, close up on Naia’s ass, make out, murmur sweet nothings in each other’s ears- AAAAAAAAAHHHH! I did NOT NEED TO HEAR TARA STRONG GASP ABOUT HOW GOOD CLAUDIA BLACK FEELS INSIDE HER! OH GOD NO NOT MORE GASPING! PLEASE STOP KICKING MY CHILDHOOD IN THE NADS!

FITTING!

ACCURATE ON EVERY LEVEL.

Anyway, their bandmates come down, consisting of Chat, voiced by Alan Tudyk, and some Jamaican guy (wait, do they even have Jamaica in space?), and Parker and Naia… don’t even stop fucking! Jesus, how the HELL can you two get it on while Wash is watching? Is that a kink that I didn’t even know existed?!

The Jamaican Guy says that somebody upstairs is waiting for them, and Naia admits that he’s a talent agent she called to try and help her get out of debt, and apologizes to Parker for not telling her. Annnnnd all this while they’re still fucking! I guess it’s easier to keep going in awkward conversations when you don’t have an erection to kill.

We cut to… confusing lights and pictures of Naia, while an evil voice-over says to do evil things, and we cut to the agent, voiced by Tim Curry, talking with Naia and Parker. And by THAT, I mean he says obviously evil things to them while they don’t seem to pick up on the fact that Tim Curry is ALWAYS evil! Seriously, when the FUCK hasn’t he played a villain?!

[Editor’s Note: Congo?]

It doesn’t count when the whole MOVIE is a villain.

7 Responses to “A Very Strange Frame: Strange Frame Review, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley May 14, 2014 at 10:34 am #

    I realize we’re dealing with lesbians and saxophones here, which are quite compelling on their own, but I honestly had to have a good laugh about the ‘Jamaica in Space’ line.

    • averystrangeplace May 15, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

      “In space, no one can hear you toke.”

      T- that’s a term for drugs, right?

    • Tim Hurley May 15, 2014 at 11:43 pm #

      That’s a totally mellow quote, bra. Deep.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Out Of Frame | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 13, 2014

    […] I SUCK at this job! (Hah hah, just kidding, I’m fantastic.) But, um, it turns out Strange Frame takes a LONG time to review. I’ve spent about two hours, and I’m STILL only 15 minutes […]

  2. If I Only Had A Frame: Strange Frame Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 14, 2014

    […] on Strange Frame: Tara Strong is an escaped slave in the city of Ganymede with her lover and confidant, Claudia […]

  3. Insane In The Strange Frame: Strange Frame Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 15, 2014

    […] Previously, on Strange Frame: Crappy photoshop effects, Tara Strong has sold out her music career and is getting her mind transferred in to a robot by Tim Curry, Claudia Black had joined Ron Glass and Cree Summers’ space ship crew, and on a related note, I’m running out of booze! […]

  4. More Lame Than Strange: Strange Frame Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 17, 2014

    […] Previously, on Strange Frame: Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. […]

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