That’s No Moon, It’s… I Don’t Quite Know WHAT It Is: Total Retribution Review, Part Two

19 May

I… I really don’t know what to say about Total Retribution. I mean, you read part one, right? How the cock am I supposed to summarize that? “Pasty naked woman in space goes all Die Hard to fight zombies”? That’s not a plot, that’s a bad acid trip!

… Or, possibly, the best wedding proposal ever.

Seriously, I... I got nothing.

Seriously, I… I got nothing.

Previously, on Total Retribution: Um. Well, I kinda just said it. Go read that.


Now that Helen, she of the pasty bottom, is wearing her short shorts and sports bra, she hides when somebody else walks in, followed immediately by an over-acting zombie. The guy shoots the zombie, but all of his shots are added in post, so the zombie shakes it off and bitch slaps him with the power of CGI! Good god, that blood effect was so intense, I… nope, can’t even fake it, that was horrible.

He tries to hunt down Helen too, but she manages to appear behind and shoot him down with a Bond one-liner, because the only thing that can beat over-acting is under-acting! Say, why did the first gun do nothing but when Helen shoots him, it works instantly?

[Editor’s Note: Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.]

Helen leaves and finds some woman hidden behind some milk crates- er, I mean, a locked and secure door, and she lets her out, but they’re chased by… the worst special effect I’ve ever seen in my life! I mean, good god, it’s like some sort of dinosaur/robot hybrid, and I swear, I’ve seen more believable movements from marionettes getting to raped.

Anyway, they hide from Mecha Shark’s leftovers in the vents, which are well lit, presumably to keep the giant cartoon fans happy! Helen finally asks the woman what the backstory is, and she says they’re in the middle of a civil war, and… then just bitches for a while! Gee, lady, WHY didn’t we leave you to the fucking Dinobots?! You’re about as useful as a colonoscopy from Drill Man!


The lady accidentally lets the dinobot in, so they flee through the vents, until the lady reveals that she’s been bitten! Oh no, you have to kill the useless bitch! WHAT A SHAME, I can barely keep dancing! The resident team of space marines runs in, including our two friends from earlier, and launch the zombie in to space! And now… THE OVER-ACTING VARIETY HOUR!

(Seriously, where did you even GET these people? Did you actually hire them, or do drama students just kind of grow in dark places when a terrible movie is being made?)

They finally realize that she’s an android (DUN DUN DUN), and proceed to bitch and whine and overact and fight and threaten each over and dick around and act like petulant fucking three year olds AND WHY ARE THEY STILL ALIVE OH DEAR GOD KILL THESE OVER ACTING FUCKING HAMS.


Oooh, something zombie this way comes! They hear the zombies about to come in, and you know what that means… CGI GORE EFFECTS!


God bless you, brave and noble zombies, you made the world just a LITTLE bit safer for drama students everywhere.


Everyone who hasn’t just died heads out to the big gun, and it’s apparently an “Earth killer” model- WAIT, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD THAT THING?! Yeah, yeah, I know what they say, it was to protect against aliens and the whole civil war is about control over this gun, but WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CALL IT AN EARTH KILLER?! LEARN TO MARKET YOUR SUPER WEAPONS! 

They talk about religion for a while, and when they find some dead zombies, Helen drops some info about how the zombies are created with nanobots, and then… oh my god, could it be true?








4 Responses to “That’s No Moon, It’s… I Don’t Quite Know WHAT It Is: Total Retribution Review, Part Two”

  1. Saansilt May 20, 2014 at 11:37 am #

    There are dinosaurs in this movie?

    • averystrangeplace May 20, 2014 at 11:02 pm #

      Dino-Robots, yes! Or… I assume, anyway, if I stare in to the terrible effects for too long, the terrible effects will stare back and I’ll slowly become a copy of “Food Fight”.


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