Student Films, The Final Frontier: Total Retribution Review, Part Three

20 May

You know, I feel kinda bad reviewing Total Retribution. Oh, not because it doesn’t have it’s just a student film, but because I’m pretty sure if I DO, the power of impossibly bad Dinobots and pasty assed androids will somehow will themselves in to reality and it’ll be the final sign that my life has gone completely off the fucking handle!

Yep, here's this poster again. ... TIRED OF IT YET?!

Yep, here’s this poster again. … TIRED OF IT YET?!

Previously, on Total Retribution: An army of zombies and space marines are duking it out in the space station for control of the solar gun to blow up the earth, with the Dinobots helping on one side and Helen the Pasty Android on the other.

Did I mention this movie was kinda weird?


Suddenly, another Dinobot attacks! Like, right the fuck out of nowhere! Um. Okay, then! Helen manages to toss it out in to the vacuum of space (nature’s junk drawer), but the thing still manages to take off one of the space marine’s arms. Huh. Well, on the bright side, that means I can finally tell one of you fuckers apart.

They find a locked door between them and the gun, so Helen heads through the jefferies tubes to go find why the flash-light is focused on her face, even though nobody is holding it- er, I mean, to open the door! Which she does so, and even gets a free commemorative zombie head for her troubles! You know, you take that in to any fast food place in the country and they’re required by law to fill it with special sauce and onion rings.

Next in their Carnival Fun House of Pre School Horrors, they find a whole room full of dormant zombies, who naturally wake up just soon enough to kill a couple more marines! Jesus, is that all this is? Scenes of people walking in to a room, cue scary thing, rinse and repeat? Jesus christ, I get less repetition masturbating with a hand puppet. At least then, there’s a chance of screwing up and getting a rug burn!

They hit an elevator to the solar gun self destruct switch, which, of course, can only be accessed by an android. Good god, why did humanity even BUILD this space station, it’s got more holes in it than a brick of swiss cheese! Filled with zombies! And robot dinosaurs!

… This metaphor got away from me, yeah…

Pictured: … Dinosaurs?

Helen rides up to the control room, and while the computer warns that the gun might result in time travel because why the fuck would you build a machine that COULDN’T do that, and she hits the self destruct. Oh oh, “HELEN HAS SUMMONED THE HORDE”! Or, well, one mildly perturbed zombie, but it still counts.

Back down with the two remaining space marines, a goatee’d over-acting comander and his two lackies hop out of the elevator, and when they hear about Helen, a fire fight breaks out. Well. Okay, a CGI fight, anyway. One of the marines and the two lackies end up dead, before Helen pops back in to scare the Goatee with a crowbar. Holy tapdancing cocks, when your subtitles actually SAY, “laughing maniacally”, you know you need to take things down a notch.

The handy-dandy computer announcer lets Helen and the remaining marine know that the gun is actually preparing to fire instead of self destruct, which means that they… crawl through the vents? Yes, I’m… sure the build-up of dust and lint will save the day and protect you from a time travelling doomsday machine.

But SOMEHOW, they find a dying marine on the other side of the vent, who explains Helen’s backstory: She refused to let the marines use the gun for evil, so Colonel Goatee decided to shut her off! And also, unrelated to that, the “self destruct” button is actually the “die motherfucker, die motherfucker, kill” button. Holy hell, user interfaces in the future must be suicidal.

Anyway, big ticking clock, the big gun’s about to go off and nuke the site from orbit, the clock is ticking, the points are down at the half time, the bases are loaded, and without Bill Murray, the Looney Tunes can’t win Space Jam! LET’S GET DANGEROUS!


One Response to “Student Films, The Final Frontier: Total Retribution Review, Part Three”


  1. Zombies And Robots And Space Ships, Oh My! Total Retribution Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 21, 2014

    […] on Total Retribution: The solar gun is about to go off and shoot the Earth with time travel, thanks to the machinations […]

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