Zombies And Robots And Space Ships, Oh My! Total Retribution Review, Part Four

21 May

Really, I don’t know why I’m bitching so much about reviewing this thing. Total Retribution is so blissfully stupid, it’s like a little breather between all the baby stomping and rape that I usually watch!

… Jesus. My life.

... You know, I just realized, nobody is ever retributing anything in this film! I CALL FOUL.

… You know, I just realized, nobody is ever retributing anything in this film! I CALL FOUL.

Previously, on Total Retribution: The solar gun is about to go off and shoot the Earth with time travel, thanks to the machinations of General Goatee and tricking Helen the Pasty Protagonist Android in to hitting the switch!

… Oh, and also, zombies are involved. And… dinobots. For some reason.

Don’t ask.


Helen and the remaining space marine come up with a plan: Steal General Goatee’s shuttle and use it’s thrusters to move the space station because FUCK YOU THAT’S HOW PHYSICS WORKS. Which, of course, is when General Goatee pops out of the panelling to shoot the marine in the ribs. Wow, who knew a space station just worked like a big fun house! With fucking guns!

Helen and the marine manage to crawl away, and we finally get the pay-off of all the random ass foreshadowing. And pay attention, there’s a fucking quiz later: 200 years ago, those Jawas found a robot in the desert as humanity was rebuilding after a war. Said robot popped out of a time travel wormhole from some point in the future (HINT HINT) and told humanity all the scripture that people have been quoting this whole time. See, it’s not just religion, it’s actually a prophecy! And those fancy necklaces? Those are holographic USB players that show you a family member right before you die! Kinda like if you were wearing the old person you dropped off at the nursing home around your neck.

Helen turns on HER necklace, and instead gets a recording from herself, explaining why she has no memory: She spoke up to General Goatee, so he shoved her in to that broom cupboard of doom and basically hit hard reset! We… we kinda already figured that. And then the recording proceeds to… explain that shuttle plan all over again! WELCOME BACK TO WASTING OUR FUCKING TIME THEATRE!

Pictured: My career.

Helen heads off to commence with that plan, and ends up in a room full of zombies and dinobots! Including that… one zombie she threw out an airlock? Who… proceeds to monologue? I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t know getting tossed in to the fucking vacuum did wonders for your vocabulary.

Anyway, once she’s done… that, Helen runs in to the utterly insane General Goatee who beats her over the head with a crowbar, before monologuing about how he’s an android!

Oh, I’m sorry, one second.

Much better.

Helen decides that she’s had enough with this existential crap, and summons the monologuing zombie and her horde to gnaw on him for a while, before his terrible CGI shuttle slams right the fuck in to him! Jesus, an insane robot on a space station getting eaten by zombies while he’s hit with an exploding space ship. Since when did this movie get SO GODDAMN METAL.

The shuttle hits, and according to the computer voice, it results in a “tear in the fabric of reality”, which means that the plot just kind of sits in the corner for a while as the editor loses his goddamn meds! Seriously, get the guy some Ritalin or buy a new editor. You can buy editors, right? They’re like sex slaves, only remarkably less sexy?

[Editor’s Note: ExCUSE me, I happen to think they’re remarkably MORE sexy.]


Anyway, Helen gets caught in the space/time rift, which eventually results in her plummeting to the earth, 200 years in the past. Jesus, it’s high velocity time travel, leaves a fucking crater when you’re done. The Jawas find her again, just like before, and we close off with Helen whispering about how humanity will end itself.

… Well, no, actually, a robot ended humanity. Because she was programmed. By a robot. Who was starting an evil plan. Because in the past, a robot said a prophecy. Because she was a robot programmed by a robot because of an evil plan because of a robot in the past who was actually in the future because-

So, that was Total Retribution! How was it? Cheap! And hilarious!

It carries the distinct flavour of an amateur project, but it wears it’s problems well! It’s a high concept film with a low concept budget, and it varies between actually being interesting and just being so bad it’s good with such shocking regularity, it’s impossible not to be amused!

Also, wait, the woman on the cover with a dress never actually showed up.





One Response to “Zombies And Robots And Space Ships, Oh My! Total Retribution Review, Part Four”

  1. Tim Hurley May 22, 2014 at 10:30 pm #

    Methinks somebody has fallen in love with that ‘chair flip’ graphic… 🙂

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