Breakin’ It Down, Funky Fresh: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Two

25 May

… Why did I pick this to review? A gay thriller about two women being insufferable dickbags? WELL THAT SOUNDS RIGHT UP MY GODDAMN ALLEY NOW DOESN’T IT.

No, they’re breaking ME instead.

Previously, on Breaking The Girls: Two obnoxious women, Alex and Sara, proceeded to be completely obnoxious and pretend that the whole world is about them! OUR PROTAGONISTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Ahem!

After Sara pops outside and runs in to Brook, she’s still pissed off at the whole “get her kicked out of school” thing, and starts threatening her. Yes, that’s a GREAT idea. You ticked this lady off once, and you got fired. Twice, you got kicked out of school. Next, I’m pretty sure she’ll hide a bear trap in your fucking tampons!

After snarking off, Sara meets up with Alex for a “falling in love montage”, which I’m sure would be romantic if I gave a fuck! Look, you have given me ZERO reasons to care here! I’m sorry, but there is just nothing! I have never cared less about what is going on in the movie, and the fact that they steal chips and bear from a convenience store during the montage, oh yeah, that’s totally making me invested in these fuckwhistles.

They end up heading to Alex’s old mansion- wait, what?! This lady is so fucking set for life, she has MULTIPLE mansions?! FUCKING ONE PERCENT! Anyway, nowadays it’s her step-moms, and they check out the big pointy weapons room and Sara accidentally cuts herself, so Alex… sucks her blood?!

What is wrong with this movie?!

They stop by the mansion’s pool and Alex just casually mentions, oh yeah, my mom drowned herself in this pool. Gee, you know, introducing your girlfriend to a tragic death scene is something you save for a third date, AT LEAST. Annnnd we’re back to the love montage! Which ends with… them making out on a trampoline! Okay, you know what, I will forgive this movie so hard if they end up fucking on that thing. I can’t tell if the bouncing would make it better or WAY BETTER.

SEXY.

Alex’s dad and step-mom get home and start giving Alex the riot act for, you know, randomly showing up while they’re not home and making out over everything they own. I KNOW HOW UNREASONABLE OF THEM. The step-mom even goes so far as to say Alex has a victim complex! WHY I NEV- nope, can’t even fake it on that one. WHY ARE THESE FUCKERS OUR PROTAGONISTS?!

Alex and Sara head off to bed (wait, didn’t they say they’d just be “friends” last night, when the hell did they decide to share a bed?) and before they doze off, they start plotting to murder each other’s antagonists. See, if Alex murders Brook and Sara offs the step-mom, Nina, nobody will be able to figure it out! Well, of course nobody would figure it out, unless, you know, THEY HAVE A FUNCTIONING GODDAMN BRAIN CELL!

Sara wakes up in the middle of the night to see Nina and the dad fucking (… yes, very important that we saw that, thanks), before we cut to Sara taking her stuff to go move in with Alex! And she runs in to Eric (not me, I’m Erik) who tells her that he and Brook broke up. Annnnnd then they make out! Right in front of Alex! Jesus christ, you people, keep it in your goddamn pants for ten goddamn seconds. Or… keep your tongues in your mouth, I guess.

We cut to Brook, swimming in the pool with her friends, until they leave and she swims around a bit before the suspenseful music starts playing. Yes, that’s right, half an hour in and the plot has finally started! Oh DARN, I was hoping this was just going to be lesbian porn! Alex walks in to the pool, flips the light off, and does… something off screen, and next thing we know, Brook is dead!

Yowza, murder! That’s pretty serious, Alex. Just, whatever you do, make sure not to tell anyone!

“Hey, Sara, wake up! I have GREAT news!”

… Goddammit Alex.

POOLS: THE SILENT KILLER.

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2 Responses to “Breakin’ It Down, Funky Fresh: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Murder Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 26, 2014

    […] on Breaking The Girls: Alex and Sara’s plan to be as obnoxious to everyone around them has ascended to the point of […]

  2. Two Is A Crowd, Three Is Homicide: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 28, 2014

    […] on Breaking The Girls: Alex and Sara have made other people’s lives a living hell, and have […]

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