Murder Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Three

26 May

Ah, yes, the thrills of young love! The romance, the excitement, the deranged homicide!

You know, I’m starting to think this movie is almost kind of weird.

There are probably other images of this poster I could use but SHUT UP I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.

Previously, on Breaking The Girls: Alex and Sara’s plan to be as obnoxious to everyone around them has ascended to the point of Alex straight up murdering Sara’s enemy! Well, congrats, you have done absolutely nothing to make me sympathize with these people. Why am I watching this movie, exactly?!

Ahem!

After Alex wakes Sara up, she shows her Brook’s bloody necklace, and I’m sure it’d be more dramatic if, you know, everything wasn’t covered in green light! Seriously, is this scene taking place on the fucking Borg cube or something? Sara says she’ll call the police, except that Alex made sure that she has no relation to Brook, and she wore Sara’s shoes to the murder, AND after Sara takes the necklace, her fingerprint is on it! Um. You’ve gone from “trying to hide a murder” to “trying to frame a murder on your girlfriend” in about ten seconds flat, I think you broke a new record.

The cops show up- well. One cop, some woman named Detective Ross. (Seriously, could the cops only afford to send one woman? Fucking budget cuts.) Anyway, Detective Ross points out all the myriad of reasons why she was obviously the killer, including NOT HAVING A FUCKING ALIBI. Yeah, hey, Alex, nice goddamn job making sure that YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST AT THIS.

Alex tries to come in and give Sara an alibi, but Ross makes it very clear that she sees right through it. And then she eats a muffin. A very badass cop muffin, of course. Sara tells Alex she’s moving out, and we cut to Brook’s funeral. Oh, yeah, the murder suspect showing up to the funeral, that couldn’t raise any eyebrows. Unless… you’re planning on moving in with the corpse, I guess.

After the funeral, Alex starts mouthing off about how much she hated Brook RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FUCKING FUNERAL. I- just- gah- you are so fucking bad at this! She slips Brook’s glasses in to Sara’s pocket, talks about murdering her step-mom Nina some more, and leaves. What, NOBODY inside heard that? Nobody at all? Huh, who knew that corpses acted as a fucking soundproof bubble.

That’s… actually really creepy, now that I think about it.

Detective Ross offers to help Sara some more, which she doesn’t accept because we still have half an hour of run-time to go, and we cut to her talking to Eric about all of this. And of course, he tells her to GO TO THE GODDAMN COPS, which she doesn’t, because… fucking reasons, look, I don’t know, her crazy ass and Alex’s crazy ass are freaking meant for each other.

We cut to Alex looking despondent on a stoop and flashing back to making out with Sara. And… then we cut back! Why yes, that certainly was important, huh. Anyway, we cut back to- Sara and Eric in bed together?! Wait, what the cock?! Did you just… you… I… did talking about murders just get you so fucking horny that you had to work it off?! THIS MOVIE IS A TEN PIECE BUCKET OF COCKS!

They research Alex’s family a bit, and come up with ideas and plots about Alex’s dad killing Alex’s mom, before Alex calls them on every single phone in the house simultaneously to get Sara home. Jesus tap dancing christ, apparently Alex has a network of agents, ready to stalk her girlfriend at any time!

Sara gets home, and Alex is all pissed off and angry and psychotic, but Sara knows the key to any good relationship: Offering an apology while you finger her!

… I’d make a joke, but I’m pretty sure that’d work.

Apology accepted, Alex shrugs and hands her a gun and says hey, time to slaughter my step-mom! Gee, she switches her libido off and on at the drop of a hat. During Sara’s drive to Nina, we see someone (dun dun duuuuun) calling up Detective Ross! And what does Sara see when she gets there? ALEX’S FATHER, STABBED TO DEATH! AND THEN SHE’S ARRESTED FOR THE MURDER!

Oh, now I can do this for real!

(You know, I don’t know why she’s so surprised, it says “betrayal” right there on the poster.)

(Also, fun fact: You know why I’m stretching this movie review out for so long? Oh, it’s not because the movie is long, it’s because T god, I could be watching E.T: The Porno right about now… why the fuck am I not watching E.T: The Porno right about now?!)

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One Response to “Murder Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Three”

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  1. Two Is A Crowd, Three Is Homicide: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 28, 2014

    […] on Breaking The Girls: Alex and Sara have made other people’s lives a living hell, and have finally settled on […]

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