Two Is A Crowd, Three Is Homicide: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Four

28 May

Okay, lets get this atrocious, unpleasant, yellow tinted piece of crap over and done with! Oooh, I’m so excited to never have to think about evil lesbians ever again! Lets not waste any more time, go go go go go!

I really hope this picture isn’t copyrighted, or I am SCREWED!

Previously, on Breaking The Girls: Alex and Sara have made other people’s lives a living hell, and have finally settled on making EACH OTHER’S lives a living hell! Alex framed Sara for both the murder of her dad, AND Sara’s arch-enemy, and gotten her in trouble with the fuzz! And meanwhile, the entire fucking movie is tinted yellow! Seriously, is that a thing? Do lesbians bend the colour spectrum around them? Someone should check on that.

Ahem!

After Sara gets arrested, Alex talks with Detective Ross, and tries to paint a vast series of lies and falsehoods to prove that Sara was CLEARLY the killer! And Ross, to her credit, wears a look on her face that says, “What the fuck is even up with this crazy white chick”.

I like her!

Eric (STILL NOT ME) meets up with Sara, and she tries to tell him… NINA AND ALEX ARE TRYING TO FRAME SARA!

DUN DUN DUN- wait a second, that was obvious. Never mind!

We cut to Nina showing up to the police station to see Sara, and we cut to her and Alex getting cuddly in one of their various mansions and drinking wine. (Fucking 1%.) Nina leaves for more wine, which means that Alex can check her phone while she’s gone and see Sara was texting her about talking together! Which I’m sure would be a shocking plot twist if I still cared about life!

Launched in to a paranoid fit by this revelation, Alex starts ranting to Nina about how she and Sara are setting her up, because you know, this movie didn’t have enough scenes of the fucking psychotic bitch! Annnnnd now they’re starting to bang. Through their… underwear, somehow, and the angle is just off enough to make it look like Nina is eating her out through her… bellybutton! Um. Maybe I was doing it wrong, but I’m almost certain the way to a girl’s heart and parts beyond is not the belly lint.

A picture of lint, because I CAN’T SHOW THAT OTHER STUFF YOU PERVS.

Sara’s old professor gets her out of prison for the time being by the power of “fuck you that’s why” and we cut to Eric and Sarah naked in bed. This… this movie is, like, 90% smut, huh. Which, really, you’d think would be a boon, but it’s kinda hard to get turned on by the most UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS SINCE… ever, actually.

Alex sees another text between Nina and Sara, setting up a place to meet, so Alex stalks them in her… sports car? While smoking weed? Jesus tapdancing cocks, you are TERRIBLE at this. Anyway, afterwards, Alex calls Sara to set up their own rendezvous, and… Sara shows up?!

YES SHOW UP TO THE MEETING WITH THE PSYCHOPATH WHO KEEPS MURDERING PEOPLE IN A QUIET SPOT AWAY FROM PRYING EYES THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT IDEA HEY LETS SNIFF GLUE TOO AND SEE HOW MANY LIVE PITBULLS I CAN INSERT ANALLY AS LONG AS WE’RE COMING UP WITH THE BEST FUCKING IDEAS.

Sara shows up and convinces Alex to a new murder plot: Get Nina to sign over half the estate, then kill her! Which… she agrees to! Because Alex gets antsy if she hasn’t killed someone in the last ten minutes, I guess. And somehow, Nina agrees to sign over half of the estate, even though Alex could not be a worse actor if it was fucking Torgo in a push-up bra!

Nina signs the estate over, and when they get in to their car, Sara pops out of the backseat with a revolver! And she doesn’t say a word, she just kind of… sits there. With a gun. While Alex and Nina try and sort out their relationship issues. Most awkward. Family reunion. EVER. But THEN it turns out that this was all an elaborate plan to get Alex to confess her crimes to Detective Ross, who was listening over a wire! OH SNAP BITCH YOU DONE BEEN OUTFOXED.

*drop mic*

Alex is arrested, Sara is free of all charges, Nina gets to walk, we cut to Sara, Eric, and the old professor making a dinner together, all is well! Even though… there is still ten minutes to go. Um. What, is the last ten minutes just going to be everyone sitting around and enjoying a nice spring salad? Eh, better than the rest of the movie, at least.

We cut to Sara telling Eric that she needs to go to her aunt’s place to… spend the last ten minutes, I guess, and then we immediately cut back to Eric, this time at the bar! And that annoying guy from the beginning, the one who hit on Alex and got shot down by Sara? He shows up and tells Eric that he only did that because Sara paid him to ooooh shiiiii-

Eric shows up to Sara’s aunt’s place, only for Sara’s aunt to tell her that Sara never showed up here, and then she reveals that Sara had a sister, and that sister is Nina, and IS THIS FUCKING SHOCKING REVELATION THEATRE ALL OF A SUDDEN?! JUST END ALREADY!

We cut to Sara and Nina at a motel, with them talking about their evil scheme and how they’ll take over the world or whatever, before cutting back to Eric getting an email from Sara. They’re going to visit the place where Alex’s dad (or someone with the same jowls, look, I stopped caring a while ago) dumped her corpse while they watched. Annnnnnd the movie ends! Goodnight, kids! Evil wins!

So! That was Breaking The Girls! How was it?

Not good! Not very goddamn good!

The whole thing is just unpleasant! Unpleasant writing, unpleasant characters, unpleasant scenes, unpleasant yellow fucking tinting- it’s just a pain to go through! EVEN LESBIAN SEX SCENES DON’T SAVE THIS FILM!

Which is SAYING something.

2 Responses to “Two Is A Crowd, Three Is Homicide: Breaking The Girls Review, Part Four”

  1. Soosh May 29, 2014 at 6:12 am #

    OMFG you made it man, you made it! Congrats. You should be awarded a medal for that. And it sounds like the best thing about this film is the cover.

    • Tim Hurley May 30, 2014 at 9:04 am #

      I’ve told him before. There’s no way he gets out of this site without some heavy emotional trauma following him the rest of his days.

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