Close Encounters Of The Groin Kind: E.T. The Porno Review, Part Two

30 May

You know, I really think we can blame Star Trek for this thing’s whole existence. I mean, you get William Shatner mackin’ on a couple green skinned alien strippers, and next think you know, people are knockin’ down the door to bang anything that’s boldly coming!

I'm pretty sure that thing is just MADE out of venereal diseases.

I’m pretty sure that thing is just MADE out of venereal diseases.

Previously, on E.T. The Porno: Dude. It’s a porno. What do you THINK happened? E.T hopped on a chrome spaceship and travelled to Victorian Spain to watch people boink! And last thing we saw, some blond woman was pleasuring herself! GOSH I HAVE THE MOST GLAMOROUS JOB.

Ahem!

The blond woman, of course, keeps pleasuring herself to the sounds of an off-screen renaissance fair, until E.T. walks in, covered in smoke! Jesus christ, is the costume on fire? Can they actually breath in there? Anyway, the woman naturally starts screaming her head off at this unholy abomination, but E.T says no no, it’s all cool, I just want to touch your tits.

… There is NO WAY that actually works.

The blond woman, for some reason, agrees to get fondled by this insane mockery to all that’s decent and good in the world, and… she actually seems in to it! She… even goes so far as to fondle it back? And then she starts suckling it?!

… Lady, that thing looks like food poisoning got up and started walking around. Stop putting it in your mouth and CERTAINLY STOP EATING IT OUT OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?! Annnnnd more importantly, where is the funky porno music suddenly coming from? What, did you suddenly close the renaissance fair?

Next up on the menu is fingering, and seriously, lady, you’re really going to let it put a FINGER in you? If it’s anything like my old Halloween costume, it falls apart under the slightest bit of pressure! You’re going to be pulling bits out of yourself for WEEKS!

LOOK IN TO IT’S DEAD EYES. IT KNOWS NO SHAME.

While E.T. and the blond woman are going at it, the dapper man who fucked the Victorian lady earlier and his friend in a barber shop quartet hat come in, and are somehow immediately okay with E.T. and it’s mission to fuck every thing in the world! GOD BLESS YOU, E.T, YOU’RE ON A HOLY MISSION.

Anyway, the dapper guy figures, eh, we already saw him fuck once, so lets give the new guy a shot! Barber shop quartet hat and the blond lady start boinking, and meanwhile, E.T… just stares. Just sits a foot away… and stares unceasingly… at their groins…

… I think I’M starting to get performance anxiety, and I’m not even there.

E.T. starts stroking Blondie, because it’s the only thing it could do that’s creepier, until the guy decides, you know what, I’m in E.T. The Porno, I want to fuck a goddamn alien! And he does so, in a position that… that… okay, seriously, that’s not even a position. It’s like I’m watching M.C Escher going at it.

Annnnnd yeah, now I’m just watching a bunch of people fuck. One of whom is in a costume made out of garbage bags, spoiled beef jerky, and the shame and failed dreams of little orphan children with terminal diseases. Holy hell, I never knew you could make sex so UNAPPEALING! I’m a goddamn teenage boy, and the only time I’ve thought LESS about sex is during… is while I…

Actually, no, there’s NOTHING less than this. This… this is the bottom. This is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the HOLY BUTTERY TAP DANCING COCKS WHY THE HELL AM I REVIEWING THIS?!

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5 Responses to “Close Encounters Of The Groin Kind: E.T. The Porno Review, Part Two”

  1. averystrangeplace June 4, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

    Wait, I can COMMENT on my own links? Why? Why would I even have a function like this? The fuck?

  2. averystrangeplace June 4, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

    I mean, not that I’m COMPLAINING, mind. It’s just… very strange? Like the digital version of “stop hitting yourself”?

  3. averystrangeplace June 4, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

    “Stop linking yourself! Stop linking yourself!”

  4. averystrangeplace June 4, 2014 at 4:15 pm #

    Huh. Think I thought of a joke I never used in this review.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. In Space, No One Can Hear You Hump: E.T. The Porno Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 31, 2014

    […] on E.T. The Porno: Sex happened, and on an unrelated note, I am now completely incapable of feeling […]

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