Yes, This Is A Thing That Exists: E.T. The Porno Review, Part One

30 May

That’s right, we’re finally getting to one of the movies that I wanted to review from the day I started this site.

We’re finally reviewing E.T. The Porno.

WHAT THE FU-

… AHHHH. AHHHH. AHHHH. AHHHH.

Yes, this is a goddamn thing that exists! Released in Spain in 1996, under the title Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische, the E.T. Porno is a real goddamn movie, because apparently there’s an audience of alien fuckers large enough for it. Seriously, look at that picture again! Who the HELL wants to get their genitals anywhere near that abomination?! SPAIN, APPARENTLY!

Ahem!

Our… abomination for today opens with a female E.T, in… hell, apparently. Seriously, why is everything red? Anyway, a dubbed narrator pops in and asks the hideous alien whether or not she’d be ready to face all the “badness” and strange situations of Earth, which she says she is! In a voice about twenty octaves too goddamn high! What, is the alien actually a squeak toy, or will people be putting their dicks in to a helium balloon?

Anyway, the alien launches out it’s spaceship and makes it to Earth, where all of a sudden the chrome tassels on the ship start flashing, we zoom in, and next thing we know, E.T is on Earth! Good god, these special effects. Not only does E.T. look like the Witch from Left 4 Dead wearing garbage bags, but the spaceship looks like a tinker toy got shot up with gamma rays!

Now that E.T is on Earth, she… he… it, whatever, wanders around the foggiest town ever, and we cut to… a Victorian couple, having tea?! Wait, the fuck?! This is all taking place during the Victorian era?! I…. I don’t even… WHAT?! 

But hey, at least we’re finally at the fucking! I mean, hey, 6 minutes in, and I almost stopped being ROCK HARD. The Victorian couple start going at it, and, sure, maybe the guy’s dick is about the exact size and shape of a marshmallow peep, but at least they’re enjoying it! Annnnnd then E.T shows up in the doorway to stare at them while she gives him a blowjob.

… May I remind you, this is what E.T looks like.

… Really, that man should get an award for maintaining an erection in the same room as that thing. Hell, I’m pretty sure mine just became an inny.

Anyway, the two Victorian Spaniards are going at it while E.T watches- jesus, not an sentence I expected to say today- and REALLY, you two? Could you at least PRETEND to be in to this? That’s not a facial expression that says “I appreciate your penis on a fundemental level”, that’s a facial expression that says “pass me a magazine and tell me when you’re done”. I’m pretty sure all E.T is learning is how to fake an orgasm! In fact, lets cut back over to her- oh. She’s masturbating. And moaning. And her moaning sounds like deep frying a tribble.

Did I mention I’m considering on becoming a nun? Oath of celibacy sounds like a day at the fucking spa right about now.

Back with the Victorians, he’s apparently done with her vagina, and moves on to fucking her ass! Yes, thank you, we really needed an extreme close-up, we had no idea what an ass looked like till now. E.T, with it’s dead eyes, vacant expression, and constantly gaping mouth, wonders what it’d be like to join them. Well, lemme tell you: Dry, chafing, and with all the eroticism of the Burger King.

“Ladies.”

The Victorians switch positions from “awkward and uncomfortable” to “human bodies are not supposed to bend that way”, and resume the… well, in any other occasion, I’d say “festivities”, but this seems like kind of the diametric opposite! Like, it’s some concerted effort to remove every bit of happiness in the world. Like if Trash Humpers actually showed penetration! Or if my ever lasting nightmares were finally made flesh! You know, like that!

After once again bending the woman in to a position a trained gymnast would wince at, the man is finally done and orgasms all over her in face in… what appears to be slow mo! My god, this guy just fucked the space/time continuum in to submission! My god, his dick must taste like bosons!

E.T wishes he could give it a shot again, and we get some Victorian sounding music, presumably gotten straight out of the “no copyright* bargain bin, and we cut to a woman pleasuring herself!

… You know, it suddenly occurs to me, my mother might actually be reading this.

AAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH! 

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4 Responses to “Yes, This Is A Thing That Exists: E.T. The Porno Review, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley May 30, 2014 at 9:10 am #

    You know that bit about ’emotional trauma’ that I just left on the ‘Breaking The Girls’ review? Well, transfer it to here. My eyes cannot unsee this.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Close Encounters Of The Groin Kind: E.T. The Porno Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 30, 2014

    […] on E.T. The Porno: Dude. It’s a porno. What do you THINK happened? E.T hopped on a chrome spaceship and […]

  2. In Space, No One Can Hear You Hump: E.T. The Porno Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - May 31, 2014

    […] Previously, on E.T. The Porno: Sex happened, and on an unrelated note, I am now completely incapable of feeling arousal! […]

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