Archive | June, 2014

Premature Ejacu-Patriotism

30 Jun

Hey, did you know tomorrow was Canada Day?

Lemme rephrase that, did you know Canada Day was a THING?

You guys suck.

Anyway, using my “Get Out Of Post Free Card” for tonight, see you tomorrow! Yes, see you. Through the computer. I’m a wizard.

It’s Funny How Some Murder Makes Everything Seem Small: The Frozen Review, Part Three

29 Jun

I really don’t want to review this. I really don’t want to review this. Thrice let it be said and done, I REALLY do not want to review this.

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Did I mention I didn’t want to review this?!

Surprisingly, not a horror movie title, it’s actually a kind of smoothie!

Previously, on The Frozen: Unlikeable Bastard and Irritating Hag have gotten stranded in the woods due to the fact that they’re complete and utter morons, and have decided to try and fix the problem through the mediating power of bickering! Sounds like fun, right?! But fortunately, Random Jackass has evidently gunned down the Bastard off-screen!

Oh, wait, am I supposed to feel upset about that?

Oh noooooes.

Ahem!

Irritating Hag runs out to go check on the Bastard, but instead of getting shot too (dammit), she decides to just hide back in the tent again. Jesus, what a great girlfriend. “What’s that, honey, you got shot? Sorry, I’m too busy sitting in here and counting the ways I loath you. GOD, I hate you.”

When day finally comes, and she apparently decides to go pick his pockets or piss on the corpse or something, she notices some footprints and follows them to a huge mess of blood on the ground, right by the snowmobile. Either that, or somebody took the Kool-Aid Man in to the woods and broke his kneecaps.

Hag heads back to the tent to curl in to a ball for a bit, before finally heading all the way back to the snowmobile. Um. Why did you even bother heading back then? Decided, eh, stood up for ten seconds, time for a nap? Or is the director just shamelessly trying to extend the run time like a man desperately staving off an orgasm?

The snowmobile is still busted, despite her clicking the button over and over again, so she gathers some wood and heads back to the camp to light a fire. You know, I think I’ve finally nailed one of the problems with this movie: The cinematography is DREADFUL!

[Editor’s Note: Wait, did you seriously just point out the cinematography? What, did you finally decide that you’re a REAL reviewer now?]

Oh, shush up. For a movie like this, about being watched by an unknown assailant in the middle of the woods, the shots should be wide, far away, and static, to give the impression of being watched, yet alone. But this? Everything is shot up way too close, and the camera moves and wiggles like it’s a found footage movie that just got confused at some point, and it feels less “spooky” and more like she’s just a handshake with the camera man and a five minute drive from civilisation.

Not… quite, but sure, lets go with that.

Late in to the night, the Hag finds a proposal ring in the Bastard’s stuff, which makes her suddenly realize, “Oh fuck, I am a TERRIBLE girlfriend. Maybe I should have actually checked whether or not you were dead? Eh, screw it”. And of course, after she goes to bed, she hears more ambient scary noises (trademark pending) outside! Annnnnnd she just tells them to go away.

OUR PROTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! What, do you expect the Random Asshole to just go, “Huh, didn’t realize how annoying she was, guess I’ll just let her go”?! Jesus tapdancing cocks, you need to die!

… Er, I mean, respect the sanctity of all life and all that crap.

Surprisingly enough, the Random Asshole actually DOES go away, and she tuckers right off to sleep. And in a merciful world, this would end with the Hag getting riddled with bullets in her sleep, but no, I’ve apparently sinned against God and this movie will just keep going on.

The next morning, she pulls out the map and starts hiking, trying to find the way out. Um, wait. Okay, so excuse me if my logic is faulty, but they got here through a snowmobile, right? Well, those things are pretty bulky, so they couldn’t have gone through the forest. So, if there are wide open tree less areas through this valley (which we see there are), they would have HAD to go through those! And if there are still some markers left over (which there are), that would point them in the right direction! So all she has to do is follow the markers until they run out, and then just follow the only area that a snowmobile could go, and it’ll take you right to the truck!

Or, in other words, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING STUPID!

There. Didn't use the table flip picture. Don't say I never gave you anything.

There. Didn’t use the table flip picture. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

The Killing Never Bothered Me Anyway: The Frozen Review, Part Two

28 Jun

You gotta love how they named this flick “The Frozen” when, despite the fact that they’re in the middle of a frozen winter, you don’t even see anyone’s breath! Because actually making anything frozen would mean not letting our characters look like they’re in a goddamn make-up commercial, and that’s obviously the priority in a HORROR MOVIE.

Movie poster, or a “missing” sign on a milk carton? YOU DECIDE.

Previously, on The Frozen: Unlikeable Bastard and Irritating Hag are on a relaxing winter vacation in the woods, when all of a sudden, they crash their snowmobile! And by “crash”, I mean it takes a slight bump. Which apparently completely totalled it, because that’s what fucking happens when you build your snowmobile out of macramé.

Ahem!

In the middle of the night, Hag suddenly wakes up to the sounds of non-specific spooky-stuff, and runs outside of the tent to spot a woman in a white dress with blood all over the vagina and a Mexican skull mask. Annnnnd then she wakes up. Well. Thank you for wasting five minutes of my life.

She heads over to Bastard, who is apparently still struggling with the snowmobile, and the two snipe at each other for a bit. I think you can see where I came up with the names for these two. So she wanders off again, and spies some random guy standing in the woods! Which she responds to the same way I think we all would:

But apparently he hates Legend Of Zelda as much as I do, because he disappears when she turns her head. And when Hag fetches Bastard to come check, of course there’s no sign of him anywhere. See, that’s the problem when you try to bum a ride from a ghost. And now it’s time for America’s favourite game show… MORE BICKERING!

Do we have any other main characters? I think these ones are defective.

So, with their problems solved with the power of whining… apparently, they pack up and start to hike back to the car, only to realize that they’re lost. And now it’s time for the bombshell: See, this isn’t ACTUALLY a camp site. Bastard was talking with some guy at the convenience store, and the guy said “oh, sure, camping at the camp site? THAT’S no fun, what you ought to do is go camp at this random spot in the middle of the wilderness”.

Well, it’s nice to know that your imminent grisly murder is due entirely to the fact that YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON!

*wooosh*

*wooosh*

(I do eventually plan to increase the number of times I use this picture, until it’s eventually the entire web site.)

Suddenly, mid-bicker, the duo spot the strange man again. Who, once again, just kinda… stares at them for a while. Jesus, I haven’t felt this judged by a random redneck since I got caught watching Mass Effect porn in a truck stop bathroom. LOOK MAN THE DOORS HAVE A LOCK FOR A REASON.

The man leaves before they can say anything to him, and with nothing better to do, they head back to the camp. And of course, they begin discussing the use of interpretative dance as a physiological and psychological expression and it’s use as a reflection of human culture- oh wait, no, I’m sorry. I guess I was thinking about an actual GOOD movie. They just bicker like usual.

Fortunately, this discussion is interrupted by ambient scary noises outside… and then they just go to sleep. Nice problem solving, gang. But they get woken up by more noises, and this time, Bastard actually tries to accomplish something, and runs off in to the woods… followed by gunshots. Aww, that is so sad, I can barely KEEP DANCING! WOO HOO! 

Do You Want To Kill A Snowman? The Frozen Review, Part One

27 Jun

No, we are NOT reviewing the Disney flick! Last time I tried thatI was pullin’ wasps out of where the sun don’t shine for WEEKS. No, today we’re looking at The Frozen, a 2012 horror flick that Rotten Tomatoes positively refuses to review, because that’s always a good sign!

Uh oh, a Weeping Angel tried to photo-bomb.

I always wonder about movies like this, you know, the ones that nobody has ever heard about. What exactly HAPPENED in this movie’s production that managed to piss off some angry deity and get it completely erased from history? Did The Frozen betray Shiva?

Ahem!

Our movie opens with a snowy forest, as the camera slowly pans over it as if to say, “Yep. That’s snow all right. We done here?”. And after a pointlessly long shot of THAT, we get our title card, then immediately cut to some woman staring at her reflection in a perplexingly green tinted bathroom. Cinematography by the Incredible fucking Hulk!

She paces back and forth and stresses over her pregnancy test, which has just confirmed positive. Lazy way to try and get the audience to sympathize with the main character is GO! Her boyfriend interrupts her, but she doesn’t tell him about the sloppy narrative device- er, I mean, the baby, and they immediately leap head first in to a driving montage! Oh god, I’m getting Manos flashbacks.

Despite the fact that the girlfriend would really rather they go for a tropical vacation, the boyfriend is dragging her along to this snowy wasteland, because, hey, terrible boyfriend and all that. But… he gets her a dancing luau bobble head, SO I GUESS THAT MEANS HE’S NICE.

Man, I need to remember that one.

They make it to their destination, which has just the right amount of barbed wire to make it look as “pleasant” as possible, and while the girlfriend insists they just set up camp here, the guy insists that they drive their snowmobile ten miles away from the truck, and then set up camp! Because, again, he’s a dreadful human being!

… Wait a minute, snowmobile? Young couple? The Frozen?! I know where I’ve seen this before! I reviewed the fucking trailer!

… Well, okay, less “reviewed”, more “pithy jokes”, but still! And I had a lot of things that I could have said about that trailer but didn’t because I didn’t want to mess up the joke’s rhythm! The stupid trailer voice, the fact that it spoiled a characters death, the standard “make the editing choppier the closer it gets to the end” trick which I fucking swear needs to die off! Man, can’t I just review THAT instead and save me a couple hours?!

Anyway, so after travelling a bit, the boyfriend starts to leave little red markers tied to trees so they can find their way back, because they’ve obviously never seen Labyrinth, and they run across a disembowelled deer strung up in a tree. And of course, the fucking boyfriend just has to chime in!

“It’s nothing to worry about, it’s probably just a hunting area.”

… Wait, you never CHECKED whether or not your camp site was a fucking hunting ground before you came here?! I- jus- THAT IS SO STUPID I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT!

*wooosh*

*wooosh*

GOOD ENOUGH!

So, despite now assuming that they’re in an area where people regularly try to kill stuff, they then spend a good five minutes of screen time doing nothing but wasting my time and bickering about setting up a tent. Gee. I’m used to people pitchin’ tents in horror flicks, but this is ridiculous!

Shut up, I’m hilarious.

The duo ride around on their snowmobile for a bit, perhaps in a vein effort to become moderately less boring and failing, before spying somebody in the woods. Annnnnd then crashing! Wait, you call that crashing? Excuse me, I have prime experience in crashing a goddamn snowmobile, and that was NOTHING. You didn’t even hit anything, you just jumped over a slight decline! Jesus tapdancing cocks, when you have the thing wrapped around a telephone pole so hard that it is physically in-capable of even being MOVED, then you can talk.

So, they eventually get up, dazed but no worse for wear. Um, yeah, good luck with that, shock tends to take more than a few seconds to wear off. Maybe, say, several hours of being incapable of even walking is a bit closer to the mark. And the impact of getting through clear of the snowmobile? I was unbelievably lucky, and even I was walking away with a huge gash on my leg and buggered up fingers! Which threw a wrench in my masturbating schedule, let me tell you.

SO! ANYWAY! Before the boyfriend can take a look at the snowmobile to see if it’s okay, he goes with his girlfriend to get her to the camp. Because I guess she’s not allowed to sit around while he works on the engine, the excess “manly” radiation would explode her ovaries. Apparently.

During the hike back, the girlfriend thinks she sees someone, but apparently not, because we need to pad out the run time. And with that, they make it back to the camp to begin their favourite hobby: BICKERING! 

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

THAT SNOWMOBILE CRASH WAS A FUCKING SAINT!

I have so many questions about this picture. Namely, who the hell turned gravity off?

After some stock footage of winter to show night falling, the boyfriend gets back to the tent and… apparently, we’re just writing off the snowmobile as busted. I guess “slight bump” just completely makes it lose it’s crap. And the girlfriend makes the grand revelation: she’s pregnant, but she doesn’t intend to keep it.

Yeah, yeah, dun dun dun and all that. Look, I’ve seen enough of these horror movies, it doesn’t matter WHAT you plan to do with a baby, it’s still getting a boot to the head before the credits roll.

Colourful World By Kathryn Ostenberg (And Horror Movies)

26 Jun

*innocent whistling*

I… have way too much spare time! But welcome anyway to a montage of all the worst movies I’ve ever seen, set to the happiest song I know! Because screw you, that’s why!

I Cannot Review This Movie

25 Jun

It is very, very rare for me to find a movie that I just can’t review, buuuuuuut… yeah. I THOUGHT it was going to be something stupid and easy to make fun of, but you really can’t pay me enough to watch an hour of somebody explaining their life story, intercut to descriptions of dying slowly from AIDS, while staring at a blank blue screen.

Yes, that was a real movie.

A Radiologist’s Wet Dream: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Four

24 Jun

Oh. Joy. More Chernobyl Diaries. 

(Fun fact, I wrote that opener five hours ago, and ever since then, I’ve just been sitting here. Just… just staring at the screen, because I would rather do ANYTHING other than finish watching Chernobyl Goddamn Diaries.)

I’m spoiling you with all these alternate poster designs! SPOILING YOU!

Previously, on Chernobyl DiariesOkay, so, we have four tourists still up and accounted for, which with twenty minutes to go, means these people have better start dying fast. And they go on a wild goose chase, trying to hunt down one of the missing schmucks, which ends up leading them directly in to a big outdoor circle, surrounded by goons!

Hmm, okay… big circle with raised seats surrounded by people… what reference should I go with…

 

Not quite, not quite…

 

THERE we go!

(THUNDERDOME JOKES: ONE.)

Ahem!

Now that our assortment of dumbasses has realized that the enemy has them partially surrounded, they begin with their tried and true strategy!

Today is a very clippy day, huh.

Anyway, they dash in to a shed and barricade it, before finding an underground tunnel because you know, all of my tool sheds come complete with secret passages. They also find a big vault door, that is down there because fuck you, that’s why, and lock it with one of the miscellaneous tourists on the other side. Which they treat as sad and dramatic! Holy hell, I haven’t seen something so boring being treated as exciting since Life Of Deaths!

[Editor’s Note: Still holding a grudge?]

HOW COULD YOU TELL!

And what do they find further down the tunnel? Why, a collection of medical gurneys! Because… I guess the radioactive monsters like to re-enact episodes of MASH on their days off?

Further and further down the rabbit hole they go, until they make it to… another dark room! Shocking! Turns out, this room is chock full of more monsters, so they start running some more, and they lose the other miscellaneous tourist! Gasp! You can tell how heart broken I am by the fact that I still haven’t given her a real fucking name!

So, more running. They run up a ladder, run through a room, down some hallways, and… they still haven’t noticed where they are. Um. Guys, you ain’t in Pripyat any more, you just wandered straight in to the heart of fucking Chernobyl. 

… You are, like, seven kinds of fucked.

Pictured: Either the Chernobyl Power Plant, or a screenshot from the latest Fallout game.

Their faces start slowly melting (… charming) and they start losing vision, but they keep running anyway, only to stop when they find the girlfriend’s body. Look, yeah, could we do the whole “grief” thing when you’re NOT turning in to pizzas?!

So, the brother and his love interest turn to leave, only to run smack in to more mutants! And now that we finally get a good look at them, we see that they’re under attack from… my god, no! It’s too hideous to believe! They’re fighting… TRASH HUMPERS!

KILL YOURSELF NOW! SPARE YOURSELF THE HORROR!

The duo beat two up with pipes, which… is apparently enough to scare the rest off, and they turn to run back further in to the facility. Jesus, you two are just ASKING to become Hulks. But who do they run in to, but the Russian military! Oh, yeah, running in to the military has ALWAYS turned out well in a horror movie, I can’t see this possibly going wrong!

*BANG*

Oh, right.

The Russians shoot the brother to keep him from getting any closer, and they toss a bag over the fallen duo. We cut to the love interest, being carted away by men in hazmat suits as they interrogate her to figure out who knows that the tourists are here. Annnnnd cue the bombshell: The “monsters” were actually patients from an evil Russian experiment who escaped, and they toss the irradiated love interest in to a big prison cell. Whiiich is full of more Trash Humpers, they come in for a group hug, cue credits.

So! That was Chernobyl Diaries! How was it?

GRAAAGH!

How could you fucking screw up a concept like this?! I mean, how?! You have a positive GORGEOUS location, nobody around to help the protagonists, the ticking clock element of the radiation, and you could have made the monsters ANYTHING! There’s so much mystique about what would have happened to any form of life forced to live there, and you went with goddamn zombies?! And there are so many unanswered questions! Why was there a tunnel leading from Pripyat to the Power Plant?! Did hamburger-leg die or did he get turned in to one of the monsters?! What was the Russian Experiment about, and what relation did it have to Chernobyl?! Why was the marriage proposal crap given so much attention in the first half when it had NO RELATION to the plot?! Hell, even the characters involved barely effected the plot! Whatever happened to the radioactive bear, and why did it come in to the apartment during the day when it was specifically noted to almost never do that?! Why were the monsters so fast and strong for the whole damn movie but beaten with goddamn pipes in the last scene?! Why is this movie shot like a found footage movie but it wasn’t actually one?! Why did the Trash Humpers kidnap a baby?! Was Lovely Molly actually haunted by a ghost or was she just crazy?! WHY DID E.T. TRY TO FUCK EVERYONE IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND?! WHY DID THE BIKINI TIME MACHINE ERASE EVERYONE’S INHIBITIONS?! WHY DID THEY PUT PROMETHEUS’ HELMET BACK ON?! WHO WAS PHONE?! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

I didn’t like it, was my point.