… What The Hell Am I Doing With My Life?! Bikini Time Machine Review, Part One

2 Jun







So… yeah, this is a movie! This is… a thing! It exists! Bikini Time Machine is… it’s… um.

Okay, look, there is absolutely nothing I can goddamn say to make goddamn Bikini Time Machine make any more goddamn sense. It’s like the “divide by zero” of the movie world, it just completely throws the whole damn system out of order. Only, you know. With bikinis! So while you’re huddled in the corner, weeping and sobbing and praying for death, you will at least be jiggling!


Our porno for today opens with an exterior shot of a castle quite clearly made out foam bricks! Yowza. Suspension of disbelief, take me away.

What, didn’t you have the budget for a REAL castle after all that funky opening credits that… I’m pretty sure you lifted from Jimmy Neutron? Anyway, we cut inside to see two women making out in bed! Well, this already has ONE thing over E.T. The Porno! The actresses look like people someone might reasonably want to have sex with! If, you know, you were in to women made out of 90% post consumer products.

We cut away to a classroom just as it’s heating up, to see… what appears to be my English professor! He’s taking notes, as the scene is being shown on a tiny t.v, and meanwhile, one of the women in the sex scene is sitting a foot away in a desk with… what appears to be the skull of a Dalek on her head? Jesus christ, we’re five minutes in to the first sex scene and already the movie took the plot and shoved it straight up it’s vagina.

Anyway, what, are you two still going at it? Yes, yes, fondle her big mounds of silicon, if you’re lucky those will make you a decent buck on the black market. And, again, gotta love that porno soundtrack! Sounds less like people are having sex, more like they’re having a tasty tea party! And tea parties and sex SHOULD NOT be mixed!

Note to self, remember to review the Alice In Wonderland Musical Porno.

Yep. It exists. We’ll get to it someday.

FINALLY, they finish with the damn sex, and so the woman disappears in a flash of post-production lens flare! Now that she’s back, the professor explains the plot. Basically, they’re running an experiment with time travel, but one of the side effects is that it really turns you on! And… I’m not even kidding. That’s seriously the plot. It’s a time machine that makes you want to fuck people. Jesus, did the TARDIS get a vibrate function?

Just as the lady, Candy, leaves for the day, she bounces her comical air bags off the Dean! See, he’s all irritated over these experiments because, you know, he’s a dean. It’s in their contracts for have a stiff upper lip, plus they have to take a course on monocle popping. Very prestigious.

We cut to a diner, where the waitress in charge is getting informed that she has to pay up, or she’ll lose her place! And she’s getting told this by.. Joan Rivers?! What are you doing here?!

Anyway, back with the Professor, he’s pitching his time machine to the Dean! “I seriously doubt there’s much of a demand for a machine to send girls in to the past to get laid.”

“Why I never!”


“Don’t make me pop my monocle at you!”

That’s an exaggeration, but a small one.


We cut over to Sara, who works for that waitress from earlier, Laura, and speak of the devil, Laura calls her in for work! Sara says, oh, I’m sorry, did you say “work” or spontaneous strip tease? I always get those two confused. And, oh god, the one thing I hate to do on this website is discriminate against someone’s physical appearance, but seriously, somebody BOTCHED this lady’s breast implants! It looks like someone just stapled water balloons to her chest! And not the erotic kind of water balloons, either!

[Editor’s Note: … There are erotic water balloons?]


Anyway, she crawls in to the bath and fools around with herself for a while and… you guys DO realize this is a bubble bath, right? We… we can’t actually SEE any of it? Hell, I think they realized that halfway through, because she decides to bend herself like a goddamn pretzel. That’s less erotic, more “pass the mustard”.

We cut to Joan Rivers and her boss, contemplating evil, but when they try and call up their henchman- whoops! Accidentally summoned a sex scene! Well, now you’re stuck watching a man with the musculature of an action figure that got skewered by a bicycle pump fuck an woman in Sarah Michelle Gellar cosplay.

And of course, they go at it, while the whole time she almost seems half asleep! I swear the only time she wakes up is to keep herself from falling off the bed, and isn’t THAT just a stirring review of your goddamn sex. “Yes, yes, your cock is soooozzzzzz…”

“Zzzzzzzzzz right there…”

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