Back To The Jiggle: Bikini Time Machine Review, Part Two

4 Jun

… I hope you realize, after this review is over with, I won’t be able to look any of you in the eyes ever again.

Oh, what am I talking about, I NEVER have anyway!

Previously, on Bikini Time Machine: People in bikinis fucked each other, but interestingly enough, there’s been surprisingly little time machines so far. Go figure.

Ahem!

Back with random muscley guy, he’s still boinking random fake boob woman! Yes, we’re STILL watching two people with no relation to the plot boink. I swear, this is Bad Movie Limbo. Finally they’re done, anticlimactically fade-out, and heads over to his boss, who also happens to be his dad. “Your mission, random guy who looks like a blow-up doll somebody took a bicycle pump to, should you decide to accept it: Seducing Laura, the woman who owns that restaurant! Fortunately, this is a porno, so it shouldn’t be that hard.”

Oh, and yeah, this message will self destruct.

Back with Sara, she’s FINALLY getting out of her bath, and ends up tackled by- um, hello, who’s this guy? Boyfriend? Husband? Casual Acquaintance? Guy who apparently stole his haircut from the Fifties? And… and… okay, fine, don’t answer any of my questions, just have sex. That’s… that’s fine, I guess, assuming this random ass elevator music they’re playing really turns you on.

(Well. That, or the hideous bed-spread. Jesus christ, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep again, knowing that thing is out there. If this movie doesn’t end with a mob of angry villagers trying to torch the fucking thing, well, it’d be clear that NOTHING in this film is climaxing.)

Anyway, fast forward through the sex scene, and Sara is finally heading to the restaurant to talk to Laura, who proceeds to explain the entire plot thus far! All while the college Professor sits quietly in the background. Oi, get out of the shot, Bargain Bin Rupert Giles!

The henchman shows up and offers to bankroll the whole restaurant for her, which… is like, the opposite of what you were supposed to do. Were you even paying attention? Anyway, she takes him home to have him “check over her finances”, and meanwhile, the Professor offers Sara a job! OH RIGHT THIS MOVIE HAS A TIME MACHINE I ALMOST FORGOT THERE WAS A TIME MACHINE IN BIKINI TIME MACHINE GEE SPOILER WARNING.

Over with Laura and Henchman, they’re at the house that she and Sara share. Oh, yeah, it’s TOTALLY because they’re “room-mates” and not just because you only bought one set! Anyway, they talk business for about, oh, five seconds, and one fade out later, they’re screwing! Wait, you can strip naked in a fade out?

Neat!

… What.

Anyway, they fuck for a while on the kitchen counters, which… sounds unsanitary! I mean, my counters are always covered in crumbs, and you do NOT want those anywhere near your fine and danglies! (Even if you’re in to crouton play.)

And back with the Professor, he hooks Sara up to the Dalek hat, the Twilight Zone theme plays, and now she’s in the 60’s! Oh god I think we just over-dosed on lava lamps. Of COURSE she popped in to a bedroom, because you know, porno and everything, and a hippie wanders in. Quick, flail around randomly and quote 60’s catchphrases! Yes, yes, congrats, you are successfully proving that the screen-writer was kicked in the head by a donkey.

All of a sudden, the intense arousal kicks in, and she and the hippie start going at it while… people swing pink spotlights around the room?

Does that normally happen during sex?

Once they’re done, the Professor hits the off switch, and after the lens flare and Twilight Zone theme, she’s back again! She gets paid, explores the vast depths of terrible acting, and stuffs the cash in her cleavage! Ah, yes, nature’s pocket.

And back with Laura and the Henchman, he’s revealing that he’s completely and utterly evil. And she, in turn, reveals that she’s completely and utterly a terrible actor!

Though I could have told you that.

Sara shows up, and reveals that she got 200 dollars! “Huh! How’d you do that?”

“I went back in time to the 1960’s!”

“Oh, okay. … Wait, what?!”

… Okay, that was actually pretty funny.

The next day, at the restaurant, they suddenly get a new idea: Use the time machine to go back in time, get the winning lottery ticket, get rich, and save the restaurant! Well, thank tap dancing cocks, we’re over an hour in, and the plot FINALLY started!

They head to the Professor, and when they warp back in time, with more lens flare and Twilight Zone music (seriously, what the fuck?!), they both get hit by the arousal at the same time. Well, damn. At the bright side, at least they’re not exchanging terrible dialogue any more. That’s a plus… kinda?

We cut to the restaurant the day that the money is due, and now with the lottery money, they’ve bought out the whole block! And, just to boot, they take the Henchman and send him back to dinosaur times! Where he presumably died by trying to rape a velociraptor. Happy ending, kids at home!

So! That was Bikini Time Machine! How was it?

WHY?!

To be fair, it WAS like the epitome of “stupid, yet enjoyable”! The sex was terrible, just like all porn, but the acting, dialogue, and story were all hilariously bad! So, it was terrible, but enjoyably so!

And, I can’t stress this enough, NOBODY FUCKED AN ALIEN THIS TIME!

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