You Damn, Dirty Apes- Er, I Mean, Zombies: Resident Evil Damnation Review, Part Two

7 Jun

You know, I think reviewing this Resident Evil movie has started a spree! I will now spend the next three years doing nothing but reviewing Resident Evil movies!

Hah hah hah no.

OH GOD THE TITLE IS ON FIRE SOMEBODY GET SOME WATER.

Previously, on Resident Evil Damnation: The proud country of… Europeslavia, I guess, is currently dealing with a nasty terrorist problem, with a side order of zombie mutants, and the U.S. military has sent in their best agent: Leon Kennedy, Boy Hostage! Annnnnd of course, he immediately gets kidnapped by terrorists ten minutes in to the mission. OUR PROTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Ahem!

While the terrorists are escaping down their underground escape tunnel (like all terrorists have, naturally), the old man turned zombie has a moment for a touching reunion before the pretty boy terrorist takes the time to tearfully blast his brains out. Aww, it’s so sad that… they had to kill the evil zombie terrorist?

… I’ll pencil in some time to feel badly about that.

The two remaining terrorists, Pretty Boy and American Fan Boy, head along to their Batcave, with Leon in hot pursuit. Eventually, he finds the Fan Boy hiding in the corner and urging him to hide. Annnnnd cue zombie attack! Quick, Leon, quip! Yes, yes, that’s the only way to defeat the power of UNDEAD SWEATER VEST!

More than a sweater, but less than alive!

Leon takes it out with some pruning sheers, because all terrorists carry those around their bunker, doncha know, and more of them show up. Zombies, not pruning sheers, I mean. And… none of them are wearing terrorist outfits, actually. Seriously, how did these people get in here? Is the front door to the evil hideout just wide open? Or do zombies just kind of follow Leon Kennedy around like a macabre marching band?

One of them grabs the Fan Boy and tries to swallow him with his mouth-vagina, but after Leon takes out his zombie with a knife, he kicks the other one in the head! In slow motion! 

Who told this movie it was suddenly allowed to kick ass?!

Leon and the Fan Boy, otherwise known as JD, team up and start trying to escape. They find a big scary metal door and try and get it open, but apparently that triggered the horde, because now it’s fucking raining zombies! They get it open, shove JD’s fat ass through (with great effort), and leave, but now before smashing open a zombie’s skull with a crowbar. Because, really, if you have a fucking crowbar, why WOULDN’T you?!

CROWBAR: The solution, and cause, of all life’s problems.

Leon and JD make it to the surface, and find the zombie apocalypse already well under-way. As they watch, a horde of zombies pin a soldier down, yank out a big wiggling wang out of one of their mouth-vaginas, and shove it down his throat.

Looks like this zombie apocalypse… just got Dangerously Erotic.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

YEEEEEEEEEEAH.

JD and Leon make it to a church, which is a handy time for Leon to explain just what the hell is going on! Which is helpful, for anyone in the audience who never made it past the first level of Resident Evil 4. The townsfolk are under control of the Plagas parasite, otherwise known as that wiggly wang, which attaches itself to the victim’s spinal cord and then just completely fucking makes up how genetics work!

Suddenly, Pretty Boy Terrorist, otherwise known as Buddy, shows up with his buddies (hah hah hah puns) and then punch Leon in the face, and… goddammit, take him hostage again! Oh for fuck’s sake, Leon, it’s been like ten minutes. Either you just have problems killing anything that isn’t already dead, or you have a surprisingly specific fetish!

Buddy gets to talking, and it seems like, despite everything that’s happened, he’s STILL planning on trying to overthrow the country! Um. Well, I guess it’s nice that you’re dedicated to your job, but when “zombie outbreak” enters any part of your day, I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to take the day off.

JD gets Leon all alone (no, not like that) and tells Leon that Buddy is off to get “it”, which is apparently the stuff that the terrorists have been injecting in to themselves to control those badass pink abominations! Oh, and those abominations? Apparently, they’re named “Lickers”.

Wait, “Lickers”?

Fucking “Lickers”?!

YOU NAMED YOUR BADASS SCARY MONSTER WITH THE POINTY TEETH AND EXPOSED BRAIN A FUCKING LICKER?!

BAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AH! AAAAHHHHH OH MY GOD HAH HAHA HAHAHAH AHHAH AHAHH HOLY HELL BWA HAH HEHE HEHEHE HEE HEE HEE BWA HAH HAH HAHAH AHAHAHHHA HHA HHAH!

Oh wait, you were serious! One second, lemme laugh even harder.

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2 Responses to “You Damn, Dirty Apes- Er, I Mean, Zombies: Resident Evil Damnation Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Aim For The Head, Or Maybe Just The Mouth-Vagina: Resident Evil Damnation Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 8, 2014

    […] on Resident Evil Damnation: Terrorists have been using “Lickers” (BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH) to try and take over […]

  2. Resident Evil Versus President Evil: Resident Evil Damnation Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 9, 2014

    […] on Resident Evil Damnation: The Super-President of Euroslavia has captured Ada Wong, Batwoman in […]

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