Aim For The Head, Or Maybe Just The Mouth-Vagina: Resident Evil Damnation Review, Part Three

8 Jun

Ah, yes, Resident Evil Damnation! No one is living anywhere, all the “evil” is actually just mind-controlling mouth-vaginas, and the only “damnation” is what we do to writers at Capcom. Clearly, somebody in the titling industry was really goddamn wasted.

And meanwhile, Ada Wong hides in the corner and hugs her breasts. “The first thing anyone does in the apocalypse is nipple twist the hell out of anyone in range!”

Previously, on Resident Evil Damnation: Terrorists have been using “Lickers” (BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH) to try and take over the country of Europeslavia. And of course, an infestation of zombies has broken out, because Leon Kennedy, Boy Hostage, is here, and they just kind of follow him around like a foul smelling cloud.

Ahem!

JD and Leon have a touching moment in a dark alley (no, not like THAT), explaining Buddy’s motives for causing a zombie apocalypse. Which, surprise surprise, turn out to be stupid! Seems he had a school teacher he liked once. Who then exploded. So now he takes over the country with zombies.

… Step four, profit.

JD asks Leon is he’s a bad enough dude to save the presiden- er, I mean, country, then hands him a gun and sends Leon on his way. And where does Leon end up? That exploded parking garage from earlier! Which, presumably, STILL has the world’s unluckiest federal agent, still bleeding out under a pile of rubble.

I- I’m still alive…”

“You’ll be stone dead in a minute.”

Leon is here to grab a big box of hypodermic plot points, but when he finds it empty, out pops Ada Wong! Wait, you’re still in this movie?!

Apparently so! And we have the fan art to prove it!

They smack each other around a bit and point guns at each other, before Ada claims she’s not responsible for this zombie outbreak, then pulls out a grappling hook and swings away! Um, okay, apparently she’s less “secret agent”, more “Batwoman in a gorgeous suit”!

Ada warns Leon that the city will be “purged” soon, and we cut to a bunch of zombies, attacking the church! Hmm. There’s only one way in to save the day now. Leon? Start quipping!

“Looks like I get to play Santa Claus.”

*puts on sunglasses”

“air guitar”

“slides across Mecha Shark*

Excellent, everything is according to plan.

Leon makes it inside, and finds everyone inside dead, except for JD. Um. That sounds… safe and normal. He hands Leon his bullet proof jacket, and makes sure to get a fist bump in, before he starts turning in to a zombie. Annnnd then Buddy walks in. Wow, this is REALLY awkward all of a sudden.

The now zombified JD gets shot by Leon, which is apparently the code word for “touching death speech”. He says that he only became a terrorist to “have fun with his friends” and- wait, what?!

Leon, please?

Thank you.

Leon tries to convince Buddy to give up the whole “zombie apocalypse” thing, but Buddy says, oh yeah, well, the military is trying to stop my zombie apocalypse, so take that!

Did everybody in this movie take stupid pills before coming on screen?!

The military starts blowing the church apart, and we cut to the president, who is informed by one of her lackies that Ada Wong actually doesn’t work for the government! Wait, nobody checked that beforehand? Jesus christ, apparently espionage is really easy when you have a great… suit.

And also a fine… tommy gun.

The next day, several trucks filled with… Lickers (BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH) start to attack the president’s compound, while inside, the president and her aide are confronting Ada. Annnnnd cue kung-fu catfight! And of course, the president ends up cutting a gash by Ada’s cleavage. Gee, can you tell this fight was directed by a man yet?

Once the terrorists breach the gate, the fight is put on hold as the president hits the switch and gets the entire cabinet room shuddered with solid steel and lowered by an elevator shaft in to an underground complex! Well, of course there’s a fucking underground complex, it wouldn’t be Resident Evil without one!

Leon makes it to the complex a little later, and finds the entire place massacred by… Lickers (BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH) who completely ignore him until a dying guard tries to talk to him. WELL THANKS FOR THE HELP YOU JACKASS.

So Leon runs, and ends up almost plummeting down the massive elevator shaft. The Lickers, meanwhile, are not so lucky, and one of them goes tumbling down the long, hard, shaft, and speaking of suggestive things, lets check back in with Ada!

She wakes up, hanging from the ceiling, and uses a combination of “sexy-fu” and high heels to cut herself down, and meanwhile, Leon… is suddenly at the complex! Wait, how the hell did he get down the massive fucking elevator? The stairs?!

… I retract the comment.

There’s no one else around, for… some reason, and Leon and Ada meet up at the giant honey comb of science! Which, considering all the bee metaphors thus far, definitely means that these things are filled with the zombie vaginas of science!

… Oh, that reminds me, didn’t there used to be zombies in this movie?

Suddenly, the president and her soldiers rush in, but Ada hits the big “distraction” button, and after the lights go off, the soldiers just… shoot each other! Well. Nice to know you hired your henchmen out of the fucking bargain bin.

Leon tries to hold the president at gunpoint, but she unleashes her president kung-fu and kicks his ass. Quick, Leon, cast “Summon Bigger Fish”!

“Madam President, the creatures have broken through the perimeter!”

Gets ’em every time.

When one of the… Lickers (BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH) gets through first, the soldiers gun them down with no problem, but hey, they wouldn’t have gotten on the poster if they were THAT easy to take down, so a veritable flood of them start pouring through! AND, to top it all off, Buddy is down here too!

Uh oh, Leon! Lickers to the left of you, presidents to the right, here you are! Stuck in the middle with you!

Advertisements

One Response to “Aim For The Head, Or Maybe Just The Mouth-Vagina: Resident Evil Damnation Review, Part Three”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Resident Evil Versus President Evil: Resident Evil Damnation Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 9, 2014

    […] on Resident Evil Damnation: The Super-President of Euroslavia has captured Ada Wong, Batwoman in training, and Leon Kennedy, […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: