The Living Dull: I Kissed A Vampire Review, Part Two

13 Jun

Oh god, WHY. Why am I reviewing this?! Why is this happening?! Why the hell did I decide, hey, you know what I need in my life, some teenage wangst, only, you know, make it freaking auto-tuned!

You know, for a movie that says “I”, Sara isn’t really the focus. SO I GUESS THE TITLE IS FUCKING STUPID IN MULTIPLE WAYS.

Previously, on I Kissed A Vampire: Dylan is a vampire, who was apparently so goddamn whiny, that another vampire named Trey has shown up to try and get him to be… just as whiny! But, you know, in a mildly different way.


After punching Trey in the face, Dylan finally kisses Sara- wait, what?! He takes advantage of a girl under mind control?!


Anyway, we cut to Dylan talking to his psychologist again, explaining how he still hasn’t explained the whole “vampire” thing to his girlfriend, despite the fact that she’s already been bitten! Which, apparently, makes her… enjoy eating meat and using enough eyeliner to drown in. Jesus, I think I’ve dated girls like that.

At a restaurant, Sara explains how she’s feeling so bad and dangerous all of a sudden- wait, I’m sorry, did I say “explain”? I meant she fucking sings about it! I think I’ve finally nailed down the inherent problem with this movie, it’s like somebody made the goth version of High School Cocksucking Musical!

Anyway, they dance around for a while and sing about Sara’s sudden cravings for blood, which… all of the restaurant patrons sing along with, presumably because when somebody starts hollering about wanting to eat you for dinner, you either join in or start marinading yourself. And now that THAT’S done, Dylan finally tells her… they’re both vampires now!



She deals with it well, I guess, and we cut to them at home, talking about Trey. And… apparently he’s also the fucking Dream Warrior, because he’s been hanging out with Sara while she sleeps! Like… like in her dreams, not hovering over her and sketching. That’d be weirder. Mildly.

Oh, look, it’s been about ten seconds since the last musical number, time for another. And you can just hear my goddamn enthusiasm. They sing about how they feel about being vampires, with Dylan hating it and Sara being in to it. Well, um, yes, I guess she would, when she’s UNDER FUCKING MIND CONTROL. Seriously, are we just trying to forget that happened?

They start wondering about a cure, and Dylan brings up that “anti-being-a-vampire” ad, and after having to sit through it… again, they drive out to his venomology lab! Which I assume is just a fancy name for sex dungeon.

So they say hi to… Dr. Dan Hellsing (… Fuck everything), and he decides to try and help them find a cure! You know, once he’s finished with his life long goal of CONSUMING EVERY SINGLE COMMUNITY THEATRE ACTOR EVER AND BECOMING THE EARTHLY AVATAR OF HUMAN OVER-ACTING.

Apparently, the vampire who bit Dylan was weak, so he’ll be stuck being a pansy for the rest of his unlife, but because Trey is so strong, Sara will forever be under his control! Wait, Trey?! Strong?! Have you SEEN this guy, he looks like a llama that went crashing through a Hot Topic!

Or possible gave a leather jacket to a noodle.

Anyway, because Trey and Sara are connected telepathically, they share an absolutely terrible duet that sounds like a chainsaw going through a Pac-Man machine, and then we’re back to the plot! Dr. Dan needs a DNA sample to come up with a cure, and sadly, that DOESN’T require killing Trey. But… but to be fair, I’m pretty sure you could kill that guy with a stiff breeze.

Annnnnnd another musical number! Argh! We just did this! AND THERE SHOULD BE SOME KIND OF FUCKING RULE AGAINST DR. DAN TRYING TO DANCE! They sing about “going to war” to get this blood sample, Dr. Dan breaks the fourth wall a bit, and then they’re off TO GO HUNT FOR A BLOOD SAMPLE TO SAVE SARA’S LIFE! And by that, I mean they take two steps out of the door, say his name, and he appears.

Well. Terrible movie, at least it was SHORT.

Wait, what’s that? It keeps going?



One Response to “The Living Dull: I Kissed A Vampire Review, Part Two”


  1. Fangs For The Memories: I Kissed A Vampire Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 14, 2014

    […] on I Kissed A Vampire: Now that Dylan AND his girlfriend, Sara, are both vampires, they have to go find Trey, the jackass […]

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