Fangs For The Memories: I Kissed A Vampire Review, Part Three

14 Jun

You know, people are going to look at me, months down the line, and ask, “so, do anything fun this summer?”. And I’m going to think back to watching a romantic rock opera about vampires.

And I am going to start crying.

This picture says so, so much about this movie. And I’m sorry for that fact.

Previously, on I Kissed A Vampire: Now that Dylan AND his girlfriend, Sara, are both vampires, they have to go find Trey, the jackass who turned her in to one, to get a blood sample and make the cure! And by “make” the cure, I mean they’ve hired odious comic relief to do the job. WHAT CAN GO WRONG?!

Ahem!

Now that Trey is here, his psychic link makes Sara all weak in the knees, and he teleports the duo out for partying! Oh, fuck me in the ass and call me pinky, if he goes to the vampire club again, I’m turning this movie off. At 50 miles an hour. With a chair.

Actually, he takes them home to his big CGI castle, filled with more goth women hissing at the camera, which is weird, because usually goth women just hiss at the sunlight. Dylan and Sara start… hanging out with the evil vampires? Um. Weren’t you here to get a blood sample and save Sara from a life of terrible eyeliner? Or do you just kind of forget about the plot when you haven’t sung about it for five fucking seconds?

Trey gives Sara a shiny necklace, which makes her all kinds of happy, because, you know, SHE’S UNDER FUCKING MIND CONTROL AND THE MOVIE JUST SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT FACT. And… wait, the necklace is a cross?

… Well, know you’re just trying to fucking piss me off.

Dylan and Sara start arguing about their plan for… some reason, and meanwhile, Trey is arguing with Luna. She’s all pissed off that Trey gave Sara a necklace, and… wait, she calls him “the Prince of Darkness”?! Trey is fucking SATAN?! Great, this is the second most pathetic representation of the Lord of all Evil of all time!

And there’s the first one.

Luna talks about how Trey is the most “evil being in the world” (look, unless you count whining and being the worst thing to happen to vampires since… ever, he’s done about as much evil as your average cosplayer), and we cut to Sara and Dylan arguing about what to do with Trey.

“I know! His one weakness is obviously… girls! I’ll do seduce him!”

STOP. LETTING. THE BRAINWASHED GIRL. TRY. AND. COME UP. WITH. PLANS.

YOU COCKWHISTLES.

The two start arguing, and suddenly Trey and Luna show up to spirit them away! Luna takes Sara in to a bedroom with her army of sexy goth back-up dancers, to give her new clothes and introduce her to sin. Well. Looks like this just got… DANGEROUSLY EROTIC!

Also, it is really depressing that I didn’t have to make up a single bit of that summary.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

Ugh. I should probably change this to “depressingly erotic.”

They have a whole makeover musical number, which… is about as horrible as it sounds, and we cut back to Trey and Dylan. For about ten seconds, mind, before Trey launches Dylan in to a room with one of his vampire groupies for hot vampire sex. In a room with… no bed! And paintings of stupid fucking faces all over the walls! Jesus, who did you hire for the interior decorating, a blind man striking back at a world who wronged him?

The groupie manages to land a kiss on Dylan’s neck before he pushes her away, which means that when he runs in to Sara a minute later, she freaks out and runs off. Of course, I don’t even know why I’m surprised. CUE SAD SONG! And of course, Trey shows up to sing along with her, which of course she’s fine with it, because, say it with me now, SHE’S UNDER FUCKING MIND CONTROL!

Just before they kiss, Dylan runs in and Trey just bamfs him and Sara away. So Dylan… calls his psychologist for advice?!

ARGH!

She is, understandably useless, because you know, SHE’S JUST A PSYCHOLOGIST AND NOT DOCTOR VAN HELSING YOU FUCKING MORON. Oh, and speaking of which, guess who shows up! Yes, it’s Dr. Dan, the lord of the dreadful comic relief. Because, yes, this movie hates me.

Dr. Dan shakes Dylan out of his moping, and by that, I mean it’s time for a motivational musical number! And by that, I mean it sounds like High School Musical with way more eyeliner! And by that, I mean it’s time to take your cyanide tablets and place them gently underneath your tongues!

Afterwards, Dylan is finally figuring out how to use his teleportation skills (vampires have those now, because fuck you, that’s why), despite some… learning curves, and meanwhile, Sara has realized that Trey is only romancing her because she resembles a postcard he owns. But, hey, she kisses him anyway! I mean, she is just so SEDUCED by the dark side, and it certainly isn’t because she’s under mind control or anything!

.,,

OH WAIT.

Finally, Dylan and Dr. Dan teleport in to save Sara, but it seems to be too late, because Trey’s kiss has completely erased her free will! Because… that’s how that works! Yep! Women are completely controlled by all men! All the time! And there certainly isn’t any incredibly misogynistic undertones running through this at all!

TABLE FLIP!

*wooosh*

*wooosh*

Trey and Dylan argue for a while, until Sara stops being mind controlled for… absolutely no reason, and bites Trey! Dr. Dan uses the blood to complete his serum, and while Trey wonders about why Dr. Dan Helsing is trying to cure a vampire, instead of killing them, they run for the door!

… Wait, can’t they just teleport? What, did they feel some cardio exercises were desperately needed?

They stop for to give Sara the serum, but because it’s untested, Dylan demands to go first. I… guess the blood didn’t need to come from Trey in specific, just… someone with pointy teeth? Wait, why didn’t they just use Dylan’s blood then? Oh, fuck it, the movie is almost over.

It works- well, at least, it doesn’t kill him instantly, so they go ahead and give it to Sara! And I assume it will instead give them a painful and lingering death, because I always like to imagine a happy ending. Now that everyone is normal, they go to leave- and run in to a horde of vampires!

… Oh. Guess we maybe should have TELEPORTED OUT OF THE FUCKING BUILDING YOU COCKWHISTLES.

All the women swarm Dr. Dan and start feeding on him, which he is… creepily enthusiastic for, and now it’s finally time for a show off between Trey and Dylan! And… now Dylan is a vampire again? And he casts a forcefield to stop Trey? And teleports the two of them to hell and then back again? I- guh- WHAT?!

Trey, happy that his life coaching has finally turned Dylan in to a real vampire, decides to let the duo leave, and Dr. Dan says that he really has no idea what the vampire serum will do, or whether or not they’re real vampires any more! Oh, and then the vampires drag him away. To slowly kill him. One drop at a time. A fitting end for the comic relief.

The movie finally ends with Dylan and Sara meeting together with the psychologist, and they say that they’re happy together! Um. You’re teenagers, you’re going to be “happy” together for about, say, ten more minutes! Seriously, 16 year olds are TERRIBLE people. Have fun spending eternity together!

Oh, and then the psychologist breaks the fourth wall and asks them how they’re dealing with the whole uncontrollable singing and dancing thing.

… Hah. Hah. Hah.

So! That was I Kissed A Vampire! How was it?

DREADFUL!

I think this is really the closest to High School Musical that I’m ever going to get, and as close as I ever WANT to get. It’s really just grating, with unlikeable characters, a cliché plot, nigh-unlistenable songs, and acting that makes me want to take up digging out my own eyes with a spork!

And… please. Can we please just give vampires a rest? Pretty please?

Of fucking course.

3 Responses to “Fangs For The Memories: I Kissed A Vampire Review, Part Three”

  1. Tim Hurley June 15, 2014 at 6:03 pm #

    At least you didn’t go for the obvious ‘I Kissed A Vampire (And I Liked It)’ title. Then again, with it being terrible (the movie, not the clever title) and all, you really couldn’t. Lesbian Vampire Killers seems…. nice.

    • averystrangeplace June 15, 2014 at 6:08 pm #

      Yeeeeah. That one was actually suggested by a friend of mine who LOVES bad horror movies too, but considering that the last movie she suggested featured a man turning in to a crocodile through the sheer power of incest, I think I can soundly say that she can go to hell!

    • Tim Hurley June 15, 2014 at 6:20 pm #

      Yeah, that’s not good for business. Like, at all.

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