Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Six

19 Jun

Oh, horror movie trailers!


You just HAVE to love horror movie trailers! They give you a nice straight shot of flick instead of an hour long slug fest, like the difference between vodka shots and a bottle of whiskey, or like a boxing match that got REALLY confused somewhere down the line! And hey, been a while since I’ve looked at trailers, so lets try-lers the trailers!

[Editor’s Note: You’re going to hell for that pun.]

So are most of these trailers, so it’s a perfect fit!


Number Ten: The Purge: Anarchy

Oh, god, they gave The Purge a sequel?! Well, that’s so… actually, now that I think about it, nobody saw the first Purge, so I’m betting nobody even cares about this sequel either! Good call!

And I mean seriously? This is in HORROR? It’s people running around in clown masks and shooting things, you just remade The Dark Knight, only you forgot to give a damn! And besides, the idea of one time a year in which all crime is legal? DAMMIT THAT WAS MY IDEA FIRST I CAME UP WITH IT IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YOU COCKSICKLES GIVE IT BACK.

Actually, never mind, you can have it.

Number Nine: Silent Retreat

I assume a Silent Retreat is what happens when James Sunderland just says fuck you to his dead wife and leaves Silent Hill? 

On one hand, first trailer I’ve seen for 2015! On the other hand, gee, thanks for making the first trailer for 2015 the dullest and least inspired thing I’ve ever seen! Come on, cabin in the woods? Used to be a mental hospital? Drives people nuts? Creepy little kids? If you throw in a monster that looks like the director’s father issues, you’d have the triple horror movie word score!

Number Eight: Muck


That is all.

Number Seven: The Drownsman

The… the Drownsman?! The Motherfucking DROWNSMAN?!

Well, sir, I can clearly see that you are a man of distinguish and taste (named Drownsman), so I don’t think I need to review your trailer. Good day, sir.

(Weeell, except for that one shot of a woman begging a man’s crotch for help. Look, I know people say that that’s where our brains are, but they never meant it literally! Or do you plan to stick your hands down there and pilot the fucker manually?

Number Six: Mr. Jones

Oooooh, so THAT’S why Mrs. Jones left her husband!


Number Five: The Borderlands

W- wait, this DOESN’T have anything to do with the popular video game series? It’s just about a bunch of British people hanging around, being British? Wow, this is a LOT harder to masturbate to.

You really have just got to admire how much “found footage crew gets terrorized” has been ingrained in to popular culture, that they don’t even feel the need to explain WHY they’re getting terrorized. Just, eh, people with accents getting fucked over, get your tickets here!

… Note to self, write a found footage movie tomorrow.

Number Four: SX_Tape

An… an incredibly sexist found footage movie… about people making a sex tape… in a haunted asylum… and getting fucked over by ghosts… and it plays it completely straight.


Number Three: Beautiful People

I… okay, one second, I need to watch that again.

So, we have home invasions, zombies, mutant monsters, gore, and… and ninjas? And then fucking Baraka? You know, I really have to wonder under what level of self awareness horror movies operate under. Do they just not see how utterly batshit insane they get, or do they just not care? Or are they perhaps aiming for it, like a terrorist with a bomb of insanity?

Number Two: As Above, So Below

Is that an actually intriguing found footage movie with a scary and original concept?

Huh. Almost forgot those existed.

(No, seriously, when does this come out? Because I plan to watch it several times and form a small RELIGION around it.)

Number One: Rigor Mortis

I now know this thing you call love.

One Response to “Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Six”

  1. Tim Hurley June 20, 2014 at 9:00 am #

    Bah, more ‘found footage’ stuff. Must still be popular, but you’d think people would be getting a little tired of the same old stuff. That said, ‘As Above, So Below’ is kinda interesting to me too. More, psychological, at least. Not sure when I saw that trailer, if you covered it here previously, or I just went on a random walk around YouTube, but I was a bit intrigued. Even better, I’ve been to those catacombs, It IS that creepy.

    So, THAT was the ‘Purge’ sequel they were talking about? Hmm, I guess if the bodycount is high, people will watch it. Didn’t exactly love the first one, but without my man-crush (sounds worse when I write it out like that) Ethan Hawke, it’s not going to be the same.

    Oh, and congrats to Sarah Jones on getting some work with… ah… ‘Mr. Jones.’ Still peeved that ‘Alcatraz’ never took off. I liked that show. Also, she’s hot.

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