Radiation And Other Drugs: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Two

22 Jun

Welcome back to the Chernobyl Diaries review! WARNING: Residual background radiation through the movie may not kill you, but it will certainly bore you to death!

“Вы моя мать?”

Previously, on Chernobyl Diaries: Yuri the Wonder Russian is taking a group of bland and annoying tourists (who I think are supposed to be the main characters, be very afraid) through Pripyat and in to Chernobyl! But their first stop has led them to a still smouldering fire, despite the fact that nobody should be able to live in the Danger Zone for long, as well as-

“GRAAAAAAARGH!”

Oh, right, a radioactive fucking bear.

Ahem!

After everyone runs away from the bear, nobody is hurt (… Dammit.) and they all make it back to Yuri’s van. Annnnnd of course it doesn’t work. Fucking of course, because, you know, not being clichéd is so tiring!

Somebody has torn apart the wiring in Yuri’s van, and although Yuri tries to remain calm, it’s clear that this is kind of a big fucking deal. I mean, stranded in a radioactive wasteland by something that isn’t supposed to exist? With six annoying tourists?! THIS IS MY HELL!

(Actually, fun fact: I accidentally wrote “teenagers” instead of “tourists” the first time, because these people are so unlikeable, I actually thought they were teenagers!)

After we cut to night, we see Yuri still trying to call somebody for help, but getting nothing. And of course, after several hours, the tourists finally get around to bickering! Huh. Thought they would have done that a hell of a lot sooner. Anyway, Yuri lays down the facts, nobody knows that they’re out here, it’s too far to the security checkpoint to get there at night, and they’ll have to sleep in the van to avoid the roving gangs of radioactive bears outside.

*puts hand up slowly*

Um. Mr. Scary Russian? I don’t mean to step out of line, but… what about the fucking radiation?! You know, that stuff that you said wouldn’t be a danger because you’d only be here a couple of hours? And now you’re trying to spend the entire night?! Isn’t that a problem?!

You people are coming out of this with eyeballs comin’ out of places you didn’t even know you saw out of, huh.

Or maybe just plain ol’ yellow jerky.

Suddenly, one of the bland tourists hears something! Supposedly. I don’t hear anything, but it pisses of Yuri enough that he reaches for his gun. Because of course Yuri has a gun, he’s just cool like that, and he gets out of the van to go pop a cap in whatever is making all that noise. And one of the bland tourists follows right behind! Oh, I swear, if this ends with Yuri accidentally shooting him in the face, I am going to take back everything I said about this movie.

The two walk in to the woods, and after a couple of gunshots, everybody starts panicking and one of the other tourists, his brother, runs after them. But after some… tense (?) moments, the two tourists run back in, with the first one having a massive chunk taken out of his leg and talking about how “they” took Yuri. But who is “they”?!

Well…

Suddenly, the van is under siege from an army of radioactive hounds! Who… then just get bored and walk away, I guess. Okay, so, just to recap: The only interesting character is gone, we’re left with a bunch of terrible and unlikeable protagonists, and now the van’s lights have all gone off. And, wouldn’t you know it, each tourist has only one day left till retirement! 

One quick cut later, and it’s the following morning! The tourist with the hamburger for the leg isn’t doing so well, and they come up with a plan: Go find Yuri!

Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be fine, not as if he just got dragged away by radioactive hell hounds. And it’s not as if you have specifically been told that there are radioactive hotspots that are tremendously dangerous, AND IT’S NOT AS IF YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING GIGER COUNTER WITH YOU!

NOBODY IN THIS MOVIE KNOWS HOW RADIATION FUCKING WORKS!

Three of the tourists, the brother, the love interest, and miscellaneous all head out to search for Yuri, until they find his blood soaked walky talky leading to an underground tunnel! Well, that’s not even slightly ominous, go ahead in there! I mean, maybe that’s where they keep the radioactive cuddles and candy, and how would you live with yourself if you missed that?!

So, they head in to the… cafe? Park? Random atrium with the goddamn Yggdrasil hanging there? Anyway, they sneak around and whisper heatedly to each other (I really wish Netflix offered subtitles for this movie so I could know what the hell is going on) until they follow the trail of blood to Yuri’s mutilated corpse! Noooo, not Yuri! He was the only person in this movie with a personality!

As they gasp and wretch at the corpse, they turn around and see… somebody moving on the other side of a door.

Hrm. That’s worrisome.

The sexiest worrisome picture on the internet!

They grab the Giger Counter off Yuri’s mess, and while the two men run off to go catch whoever is on the other side, the love interest… goes and hides in the corner? Geez, that’s not sexist AT ALL! “You can’t help us fight the monster, you have a vagina! Go hide! In the corner of that kitchen!”

Anyway, while she hides, we see something indistinct moving behind her, so she starts crawling along and manages to get Yuri’s gun out from under a counter before running for the exit and meeting up with the men. Annnnnd they immediately grab the gun from her. “Oh, suuuure, take the gun that managed to risk my life for. I mean, not as if could use it at all, vaginas apparently have a fucking gunpowder dampening field.”

So, they shoot the door a couple times to make sure it knows it’s place, barricade the doors with some convenient cabinets, beat up a window, and engage in one of history’s most prestigious tactics!

There, but for the grace of god goes three morons.

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2 Responses to “Radiation And Other Drugs: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. From Russia With Radiation Poisoning: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 23, 2014

    […] on Chernobyl Diaries: Now that the only interesting character in the film is dead, we’re stuck with six annoying […]

  2. A Radiologist’s Wet Dream: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 24, 2014

    […] on Chernobyl Diaries: Okay, so, we have four tourists still up and accounted for, which with twenty […]

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