From Russia With Radiation Poisoning: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Three

23 Jun

… Wait a minute, if this isn’t a real found footage film, then what the hell is the Diaries in Chernobyl Diaries?! Do the roaming gangs of radioactive bears keep little pink journals, in between mauling tourists? “Dear diary; RAAAWR!”

“From the creators of Paranormal Activity“?! Well, THERE’S your fucking problem right there!

Previously, on Chernobyl Diaries: Now that the only interesting character in the film is dead, we’re stuck with six annoying tourists stranded in Pripyat, surrounded by assorted radioactive wildlife! And, of course, the dreaded “Monster-That’s-Slightly-Out-Of-Focus”, which I think means that it’s actually Bigfoot.

Ahem!

After riddling the door with bullets and sprinting for the hills, the brother, the lover, and miscellaneous make it to the van and are all hah hah hah guys everything is fine now lets get out of here in a completely non-suspicious fashion oh god Chernobyl is fun.

But with the one guy whose leg is now hamburger being completely incapable of walking, they can’t hike out of Pripyat, so hamburger guy and his girlfriend stay behind while the others try and find help. Oh, sure, splitting up is just the best fucking idea. Didn’t you ever hear the song?!

CASE CLOSED!

They start walking for about, oh, five seconds, and after changing directions a couple of times to avoid dogs and radiation, they walk right in to a massive car lot. Oh god, now they have to fight the horror of… radioactive used car salesmen! THE HORROR!

While the rest of the group look for cables to start up one of the cars, the brother finds a bus completely riddled with bullet holes, only they were being shot from the inside out. So he breaks the door down to find a gun, and instead finds a flashlight. Annnnnd some fresh blood.

Well, to be fair, it could just be that the effects department has no fucking idea how dried blood is supposed to look like. Incompetence, or terror? You make the call!

The rest of the tourists who actually ACCOMPLISHED things manage to find the cables they need, just in time to get chased across Pripyat by a pack of more radioactive hounds, until they find… a rope bridge across a river! I… wait, where the hell did THAT come from? Did the fucking radioactive wasteland betray Shiva?!

While the brother and the lover (you know, the characters that they’re trying to convince us we should care about) make it across just fine, the two miscellaneous ones take a plunge in the river. Um. You… you might want to avoid drinkin’ that, because, you know, I’m pretty sure it’s just liquid cancer at this point.

The guy miscellaneous takes a gash to the leg, and we cut to… night?! Wait, what the fuck? So, just to be clear, you made it to the car lot in about a minute, but it’s taking you several hours deep in to the night and you still haven’t made it back yet?! Holy hell, apparently radiation is actually magical plot convenience dust that turns time in to putty in an inept film-maker’s hands.

Anyway, enough about how space is warped and time is bendable, they’re walking around and talking about how there HAS to be somebody out here, this can’t all be a coincidence! And meanwhile, in the background… somebody sprints across the street in to the shadows. Aww, for a brief second, this movie is suddenly interesting! A shame it won’t last!

FINALLY, they make it back to the van- or, rather, where the van is supposed to be. All they find is some shattered class, and a ways away, they find the van… upside down.

Well, there’s your problem right there.

They find a phone camera in the wreck, which just shows your standard blurry jitter cam as a horde of something flips the van over, and the tourists set off to go find hamburger leg and his girlfriend! And they decide that they must be in this random building! Because fuck you, that’s why!

Well, to be fair, apparently the brother thinks he heard something, but after rummaging around in the dark, they don’t find anything, and try to leave. Well, at least until some random jackass in the corner just up and throws a goddamn chair at them! Oh, come on, who throws a chair?!

*wooosh*

*wooosh*

The tourists start running from this lame as hell jump scare, and accidentally run in to the girlfriend! Who is… screaming, that’s all she’s doing. Just… standin’ there. Screaming. My god, they turned her in to a scary-maze video on YouTube.

The miscellaneous guy finds a map, so now that they know where to go, it’s time for the hundred mutant dash out of the danger zone! Annnnnd is it even worth a minute of my time to wonder how a map left over from before the Chernobyl Incident happened to know the exact political boundaries that the Chernobyl Incident created? No? Moving on then.

After traipsing into a high radiation area, they stop… to argue over the map? Gee, nice, not as if radiation is a problem or anything. And while they bicker, behind them… a small child appears. And for once, they actually NOTICE the stupid background events! Oh, thank god, for a second I thought the casting director was just throwing those in because people were bribing him with blowjobs.

(Or bribing HER with blowjobs, you know, gonna be all inclusive.)

While they’re bothering with that, something snags the girlfriend and runs off with her, so they ignore the little brat and chase after her, which leads them past a corpse (which they don’t even question for a minute), until they find themselves in a big wide open atrium.

Surrounded by monsters.

And yet, somehow, I still can’t bring myself to care! Amazing!

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One Response to “From Russia With Radiation Poisoning: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Three”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Radiologist’s Wet Dream: Chernobyl Diaries Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 24, 2014

    […] on Chernobyl Diaries: Okay, so, we have four tourists still up and accounted for, which with twenty minutes to go, […]

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